Red vs Blue Arrancars
by darkmachines
Summary: The Red vs Blue series, but with Arrancars characters playing the parts. M rated because of language. Enjoy the funniness.
1. Ep 1

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Why Are We Here?_

_Pan up from the ground and close in on two soldiers on top of a base, one clad in maroon armor, the other in orange._

**Findor:** Hey.

**Nirgge:** Yeah?

**Findor:** You ever wonder why we're here?

**Nirrge:** It's one of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know, man, but it keeps me up at night.

**Findor:** ...What?! I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?

**Nirgge:** Oh. Uh... yeah.

**Findor:** What was all that stuff about God?

**Nirrge:** Uh...hm? Nothing.

**Findor:** You wanna talk about it?

**Nirgge:** No.

**Findor:** You sure?

**Nirgge:** Yeah.

**Findor:** Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.

**Nirgge:** Mm hmm.

**Findor:** The only reason that we set up a Red Base here, is because they have a Blue Base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue Base over there, is because we have a Red Base here.

**Nirgge:** Yeah. That's because we're fighting each other.

**Findor:** No, no. But I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and if they would come take our base, they would have _two_ bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fucking-doo.

**Nirrge:** What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys.

_Zoom in on two soldiers, one wielding a sniper rifle and in cobalt armor, the other standing behind him in aqua armor._

**Rey**: What're they doing?

_Skullak slowly turns around to face Rey, lowering his rifle._

**Skullak:** _(aggravated)_ What?

**Rey**: I said, "What are they doing now?"

_Cut back to Skullak, who is clearly frustrated._

**Skullak**: God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!

**Rey:** _(defensively)_ You have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't start to bitch at me because I'm not gonna just sit up here and play with my di-

**Skullak**: _(interrupting)_ Okay, okay, look... they're just standing there and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they _ever_ do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So, five minutes from _now_, when you ask me, "What are they doing?" my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there."

_Both fall silent._

**Rey**: What're they talking about?

**Skullak:** You know what? I fucking hate you.

_Cut to Nirgge and Findor._

**Nirgge**: Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life.. you know, fight them.

**Findor**: Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge.

**Baraggan**: Ladies, front and center on the double!

**Findor**: Fuck.

**Nirgge**: Yes, sir!


	2. Ep 2

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Red Gets a Delivery_

_Pan out on Nirgge and Findor, who are approaching another Red soldier clad in red armor._

**Baraggan:** Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social.

**Simmons:** Ice cream social?

_Findor and Nirgge exchange looks._

**Baraggan:** Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

**Nirgge:** Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

**Sarge:** _(mockingly)_ That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the _big_ hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Findor here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!

**Nirgge:** I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

**Baraggan:** Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Findor slit your throat while you're asleep!

**Findor:** Oh I'd do it, too.

**Baraggan:** I know you would, Findor. Good man. _(brief pause)_ Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

**Nirgge:** Crap. We're getting a rookie.

**Baraggan:** That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we recieved the first part of our shipment from Command.

_Nirgge and Findor exchange looks again._

_Baraggan turns towards a hill behind them._

**Baraggan:** Dordoni, bring up the vehicle.

_A large, armor-plated, jeep-like vehicle comes over the rise with Dordoni in the driver seat, who pulls up along side the Reds._

**Findor:** Shotgun!

**Nirgge:** Shotgun! _(realizes he is too late)_ Fuck.

**Baraggan:** May I introduce our new, light reconnaissance vehicle.

_Camera closes in on the front of the vehicle and starts to move left, circling it._

**Baraggan:** It has four inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.

**Findor:** Why Warthog, sir?

**Baraggan:** Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.

**Nirgge:** I know, but why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.

**Baraggan:** _(after a brief pause)_ Say that again.

**Nirgge:** I think it looks more like a puma.

**Baraggan:** What in Sam Hell is a puma?

**Findor:** Uh, you mean like the shoe company?

**Nirgge:** No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.

**Baraggan:** You're making that up.

**Nirgge:** I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

**Baraggan:** Findor, I want you to poison Nirgge's next meal.

**Findor:** Yes, sir!

**Baraggan:** _(pointing at the front of the Warthog)_ Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?

**Nirgge:** A walrus.

**Baraggan:** Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!

_Cut to a view of the Reds through the sniper rifle scope._

_Cut to Skullak, wielding the rifle, and Rey, wielding a M6D pistol._

**Rey:** What is that thing?

_Skullak lowers the rifle._

**Skullak:** I don't know, man. Looks like uh.. looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.

**Rey:** _(taken aback)_ A car? How come they get a car?!

**Skullak:** What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

**Rey:** _(disappointed)_ You can't pick up chicks in a tank.

**Skullak:** Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything couldn't you? We're going to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?

**Tucker:** _(sighs)_ What kind of car is it?

**Skullak:** _(looking through the scope of the sniper rifle)_ I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a... uh... like a big cat of some kind.

**Rey:** ...What, like a puma?

**Skullak:** Yeah, man, there you go.

_Cut to Red Team._

**Baraggan:** So unless anybody has anymore mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with the Warthog. How about it, Nirgge?

**Nirgge:** No, sir. No more suggestions.

**Baraggan:** Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?

**Nirgge:** It's okay.

**Baraggan:** Unicorn?

**Nirgge:** No really. Uh, I'm cool.

**Baraggan:** Sasquatch?

**Findor:** Leprechaun?

**Nirgge:** Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.

**Baraggan:** Phoenix?

**Nirgge:** _(sighs)_ Christ.

**Baraggan:** Hey Findor, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.

**Findor:** Uh, that would be the chupacabra, sir.

**Baraggan:** Hey Nirgge, Chupathingy! How about that? I like it. Gotta ring to it.


	3. Ep 3

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_The Rookies!_

_Findor and Nirgge are on top of Red Base. A soldier in red armor is walking up the ramp behind them._

**Findor:** Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

**Nirgge:** Yes, it is. You said "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-

**Charlotte:** Excuse me, uh, sirs.

**Nirgge:** Sirs? _(turns to Charlotte)_ Ah crap.

**Charlotte:** I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge.

**Nirgge:** Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.

**Findor:** Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

**Nirgge:** You are such a kiss-ass.

**Findor:** Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... _(clears throat then poorly imitates Baraggan)_ "Git in the Warthog, and crush yer head like a tomato-can."

**Nirgge:** That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

**Findor:** Okay rookie, what's your story?

**Charlotte:** Private Charlotte Chuhlhourne reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.

**Nirgge:** Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Charlotte Chuhlhourne? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

**Charlotte:** This IS the standard issue red.

**Nirgge:** Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

**Charlotte:** _(looks at Findor)_ Well, he's wearing red armor.

**Findor:** No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.

**Charlotte:** Well, how do I get a different color armor?

**Findor:** I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

_Skullak, Rey, and a soldier in standard issue blue are looking at a tank_.

**Di-Roy:** So I say to the guy, "how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship," and I go, "if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

**Rey:** Hey, kid.

**Di-Roy:** Yeah?

**Rey:** You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

**Di-Roy:** Oh. Okay. You got it man!

**Skullak:** You know what? I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing.

_Cut to the Reds._

**Findor:** Okay, Private Charlotte Chuhlhourne, here's the deal.

**Grif:** I just refuse to call him Private Charlotte Chuhlhourne!

**Findor:** We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

**Charlotte:** Absolutely!

**Findor:** We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease.

**Nirgge:** Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.

**Charlotte:** The what?

**Findor:** He means the Warthog.

**Nirgge:** You do know where the store is, right, rookie?

**Charlotte:** What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.

**Findor:** Well, get going then.

_Charlotte starts running across the base._

**Nirgge:** Other way.

_Charlotte turns around and goes the other way._

**Charlotte:** I knew that. Just got turned around that's all.

_Nirgge and Findor watch Charlotte running off into the Gulch._

**Findor:** How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

**Nirgge:** I say.. at least a week.

_Charlotte runs through the Gulch, stops, and turns to talk to himself_.

**Charlotte:** Elbow grease.. How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant.

_Cut to the Blues._

**Rey:** You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

**Skullak:** Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?

**Rey:** Church, women are like Voltron: The more you can hook up, the better it gets.

_Cut to Nirgge and Findor._

**Findor:** You think that we were too mean to the kid?

**Nirgge:** Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

_Charlotte approaches Blue Base_.

**Charlotte:** Finally, there it is...Oh sweet! They sell tanks!


	4. Ep 4

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Head Noob in Change!_

_Skullak, Rey, and Di-roy are standing next to the tank outside Blue Base_.

**Skullak:** Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home.

**Rey:** Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?

**Skullak:** No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out... ah, you know how it works.

**Rey:** Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?

**Di-Roy:** I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

**Skullak:** Hey, rookie.. did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

**Rey:** No, I think he called her a slut!

**Skullak:** I'll tell you what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.

**Di-Roy:** Great.

**Skullak:** See, we've got this General.

**Rey:** Right, the General guy.

**Skullak:** ...who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by.

**Di-Roy:** When is he coming by?

**Rey:** We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now.

**Di-Roy:** You want me to stand at attention for a week?

**Skullak:** You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag.

**Di-Roy:** What's so important about the flag?

**Skullak:** Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys anything in training?

**Di-Roy:** They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?

**Skullak:** Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.

**Rey:** Well... it's... it's complicated. Uh... It's blue, we're blue.

**Skullak:** It's just important, okay? Trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.

**Rey:** Right.

**Skullak:** So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.

_Di-Roy turns and heads for the base, but stops half way and turns around._

**Di-Roy:** Uh, how will I know when I see him?

**Rey:** There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.

**Skullak:** Now get in there, and don't come out! _(turns to Rey)_ Man, that guy is dumber than you are.

**Rey:** You mean he's dumber than you are.

**Skullak:** Wow, Rey, that was a great come-back.

_Di-Roy emerges from the base with Skullak and Rey in the distance._

**Di-Roy:** Uh, Mr. Skullak? Sir?

**Skullak:** Oh my god, WHAT!? _(turns to Rey)_ Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!

**Di-Roy:** Sorry about calling your girl a slut...

**Skullak:** ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!

**Rey:** _(turns around to laugh)_ Uh-huh huh huh huh!

**Skullak:** _(turns around to face Rey's back)_ Rey, are you laughing at me?

_Charlotte steps up behind Skullak_.

**Charlotte:** Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?

**Skullak: **Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I.. I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!

**Charlotte :** What did I do?

**Skullak:** One...

**Charlotte:** Aw, gimme a break.

**Skullak:** TWO!

**Charlotte:** Fine!

_Charlotte runs in the base and walks up to Di-Roy._

**Di-Roy:** Wow, you got here fast!

**Charlotte:** Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon?

**Di-Roy:** I'm not, sir. What can I do for you?

**Charlotte:** Finally, someone with a little respect around here.

**Di-Roy:** Yes, sir! I assume you're here because of this... _(turns toward the flag)_

**Charlotte:** Wait, is this all you have?

**Di-Roy:** Uh, yes, sir. That's it!

**Charlotte:** Aw man, this figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?

**Di-Roy:** Uhmm...

**Charlotte:** Headlight fluid?

**Di-Roy:** No. All we have is this flag.

**Charlotte:** Well, I can't go back empty handed. I guess I'll take that.

**Di-Roy:** Sure, that makes sense. I guess.

**Charlotte:** _(leaving with the flag) _Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.

_Cut to Skullak and Rey._

**Skullak: **Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Rey.

**Rey:** Me? I can't drive that thing.

**Skullak:** You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?

**Rey: **I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?

**Skullak:** No! ..Holy Crap! Who is running this army!?

**Di-roy:** _(emerging from the base)_ Hey! Just wanted to let you know the General stopped by and picked up the flag!

**Skullak:** _(to Di-Roy)_ Yeah! Okay! Whatever, moron! _(to Rey)_ Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second... What did he just say?


	5. Ep 5

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_The Package is in the Open!_

_Skullak, Rey, and Di-Roy are standing on top of Blue Base._

**Skullak:** Let me get this straight. You gave this guy our flag?

**Di-Roy:** Is that bad?

**Skullak:** Bad? Oh no, that's not bad. Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole goddamn base?

**Rey:** There, there he is.

**Skullak:** _(looking through the sniper rifle)_ Where? Oh, yeah, oh, I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.

**Rey:** He must be one smart son of a bitch.

_Cut to Charlotte looking around the canyon_.

**Charlotte:** Oh, man, I am so freakin' lost. Where the hell is the base?

_Cut to Skullak, Rey, and Di-Roy._

**Skullak:** Oh, shit... Hey Rey, look at his armor. It's red.

**Rey:** Oh man, that means it's their Sergeant.

**Skullak:** Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses.

**Di-Roy:** Uh, you know.. he came in the back door where you guys were standing.

**Rey:** Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.

**Skullak:** Roger that. Okay, say goodnight, Sarge.

_Cut to Charlotte as Church shoots four times, but misses._

**Charlotte**: _(crouching)_ Son of a bitch!

_Cut to Skullak and Rey._

**Skullak:** Aw crap.

**Rey:** ...

**Skullak:** _(turns to Rey)_ ...What?

**Rey:** You're REALLY not very good with that thing, are you?

_Cut to Charlotte._

**Charlotte:** _(shouting at Blue Base while waving the flag)_ Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember!?

_Cut to Rey._

**Rey:** Oh great, now he's taunting us. That's just embarrassing.

**Skullak:** Alright, that's it, I've had it. Rookie, you stay here. Me and Rey, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.

**Di-Roy:** Right!

**Skullak:** Rey, you ready? Let's go.

**Rey:** There is no way I'm going through that thing.

**Skulla:** Rey, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?

**Rey:** I don't know, why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?

**Skullak:** We already tested the teleporter, remember?

**Rey:** We threw rocks through it!

**Skullak:** Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?

**Rey:** Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.

**Skullak:** Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then. You're afraid of a little black stuff.

**Rey:** Yes. I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

**Skullak:** Rey, I almost hate to do this to you. _(raising his gun at Rey)_

**Rey:** You wouldn't...

**Skullak:** You know, I look at it this way: Either A, we go through there and get the flag back, or B, we stay here and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.

**Rey:** For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people.

**Skullak:** Duly noted. Now get in there.

**Rey:** Crap... Alright. One, two...

_Rey runs through and doesn't appear on the other side._

**Di-Roy:** ...Huh, he didn't come out the other side...

**Skullak:** Yeeaahhh, I've uh- I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

_Skullak runs off the base to chase Charlotte_.

**Skullak:** Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!

_Cut to Findor and Nirgge._

**Findor:** I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots.

**Nirgge:** _(sighs)_ I'm telling you, it was four shots. Like bam, bam, bam.

**Findor:** Wait a second, that's only three bams.

**Nirgge:** Bam. _(sees Skullak through a sniper rifle)_ Wait a second, we've got a Blue guy on the move out there.

**Findor:** Where's he headed?

**Nirgge:** _(looks to the left)_ Oh crap. It... It's Charlotte. And he's got something... _(zooms in)_ It looks like... _(sees that it's the Blue's flag)_...Findor, get the Warthog.

**Findor:** Heh, you mean the Puma?

**Nirgge:** Yeah, keep making jokes. That'll win the war.


	6. Ep 6

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_1.21 Giga-Whats?_

_Brief recap of Nirgge and Findor from prior chapter._

**Nirgge:** _(looking through a sniper rifle)_ Oh crap. It... It's Charlotte. And he's got something... _(zooms in)_ It looks like... _(sees that it's the Blue's flag)_ ...Findor, get the Warthog.

**Findor:** Heh, you mean the Puma?

_Cut to Skullak running up to Charlotte with his gun pointed at him._

**Skullak:** Freeze!

**Charlotte:** Hey, why the hell are you shooting at me?! You coulda hit me, dick!

**Skullak:** Can it. Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who ya are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now.

**Charlotte:** I just got here two hours ago. And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private.

**Skullak:** Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!

**Charlotte:** Yeah, that's what I just said.

**Skullak:** Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?

**Charlotte:** Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!

_Rey comes out of the teleporter between them and now has black armor_.

**Rey:** Three!

**Skullak:** JESUS!

**Charlotte:** HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?

**Skullak:** What in the hell!? Rey? Is that you?

**Rey:** How did you get up here ahead of me?

**Charlotte:** And what's with that black shit on your armor?

**Rey:** Hey! Freeze, Sarge!

**Charlotte:** Would you stop calling me a Sergeant, I'm still just a Private.

**Rey:** The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time.

_Cut to Nirgee and Findor getting in the Warthog which has Tejano music playing_.

**Grif:** Sorry Dordoni, we need the jeep.

**Findor:** I'll take gunner. (_takes gunner_ _position)_ Let's roll.

**Nirgge:** How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?

**Findor:**_ (calls out as they drive off)_ Don't worry Dordoni, I'll bring her back in one piece.

_Cut back to Skullak, Rey, and Charlotte_.

**REy:** Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Some time in your future I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sergeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep, and I'm all like, "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"

**Skullak:** REy? What the fuck are you babbling about?

**REy:** I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted.

**Charlotte:** Is this guy a retard?

**Skullak:** (_Warthog's music gets progressively louder as he speaks_) Red? Shut up. Rey? Listen to me. Ya haven't gone back in time, okay? This IS the guy who stole the flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just... for God's sake! WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?

_Warthog jumps over the hill right by Skullak_.

**Nirgge**: Woohoo!

**Rey:** Holy shit!

**Skullak:** Son of a bitch! Run! Jesus! Run!

**Rey:** The jeep followed me back in time!

_Nirgge hops out of the Warthog as Findor yells and fires at Skullak and Rey as they run away._

**Skullak**: Ow! Git! Ow! Git! Ow, ow!

**Findor**: (_in background)_That's right! That's right, I got your ass! Get off your ass and run, you cock bites! Right now! Yeah, not so pretty when you gotta run are you! Yeah, that's right! Stay there! You know where your flag is? We're gonna get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Come on, get out there! I've got a whole barrel of love to shoot you with! Come on! Get out now! Yeah, come on out! I know you like this! Come out where I can get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Be tough, get out there!

**Nirgge:** What the hell is going on here?

**Charlotte:** You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane.

**Nirgge:** How did you get the flag?

**Charlotte:** I don't know, I just asked for it.

**Nirgge:** Wait, that worked?

**Charlotte:** I guess. Is it not supposed to?

**Nirgge:** I don't know, we...never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.

**Charlotte:** Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go-

**Nirgge**: There's no time to explain, rookie! Just take the flag, and go to base! I'll explain everything there.

**Charlotte:** Fine!

_Charlotte starts running through the Gulch._

**Nirgge**: _(scoffs)_ Back to our base, dumbass!

**Charlotte:** Uh, I know. I just got turned around, that's all.

_Cut to Di-Roy looking at Skullak and Rey through the sniper rifle_.

**Di-Roy:** Oh man, that's not good. _(looks from Skullak and Rey to the Warthog)_ Oh my god, that jeep has a really big gun. _(puts down the sniper rifle and looks back and forth) _Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... ..Ah, screw it. (_runs off to the tank_)

_Cut to Skullak and Rey behind a rock with Findor firing and yelling at them._

**Simmons:** (_in background_) Yeah, get going! Take that! I know you like that there! Come out! Come here! Poke your head up! Come on, Blue! Get your head out there!

**Skullak:** Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time.


	7. Ep 7

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Check out the Treads on that Tank!_

_Skullak and Rey are behind a rock with bullets hitting the canyon wall behind them._

**Skullak:** My god, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?

**Rey:** You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.

**Skullak:** Hey, Rey, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?

**Rey:** Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.

**Skullak:** Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya.

_Cut to Di-Roy hopping in the tank. As the canopy closes, the tank turns on._

**Tank:** Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Loly.

**Di-Roy:** Hello, Loly. Big tank lady.

**Loly:** Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

**Di-Roy:** Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.

**Loly:** Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.

**Di-Roy:** Okay.

_Cut to Findor firing the Warthog's gun with Nirgge on the ground behind him._

**Nirgge:** Findor. FINDOR!

_Findor stops firing, and steps down._

**Nirgge:** Man, that thing is loud.

_Loly drives by in the background._

**Findor:** ...WHAT?

**Nirgge:** Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.

**Findor:** OKAY!

**Nirgge:** Keep it down! Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.

_Cut to Di-Roy having Loly stranded on a tall rock and turning to try to get off._

**Loly:** Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features.

**Di-Roy:** No, no, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

_Cut to Skullak peeking out from the side of the rock. Rey is still standing behind it._

**Skullak:** _(whispering)_ Psst, hey, they stopped firing.

**Rey:** Why are you whispering?

**Skullak:** _(whispering)_ Uhm... I don't know.

_Cut to Findor and Nirgge standing at the foot of a cliff._

**Nirgge:** Aw, crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.

**Findor:** Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?

_Loly rolls up right behind them._

**Nirgge:** Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.

_Loly's turret looks at Nirgge, then at Findor as they speak._

**Findor:** Well, at least that was fun.

_Nirgge and Findor turn simultaneously to see the tank_.

**Nirgge:** Holy CRAP! What in God's name is that thing?

_Cut to Skullak and Rey looking at the vacant Warthog._

**Skullak:** Rey, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.

**Rey:** No they're not, look - they left the jeep. They're gone.

**Skullak:** Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... alright screw it, let's go get it.

_Cut to Loly's HUD. Her cross hair slowly homes in on Nirgge's head._

**Nirgge:** Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us.


	8. Ep 8

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Don't Ph34r the Reaper!_

_Loly's turret is pointed at Nirgge, then it turns to Findor._

**Nirgge:** Why is it just sitting there?

**Findor:** Just trying to mess with our heads. Let's get back to the Warthog.

_Cut to Loly's HUD._

**Loly:** This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button.

**Di-Roy:** Auto-fire, auto-fire, here, here! No, wait... okay, that's more a switch than a button...

**Loly:** _(in the background)_ This will end the tutorial, and should only be activated if proper safety procedures-

_Cut to Findor and Nirgge._

**Findor:** Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...

**Nirgge:** Wait! On three? Or three and then go?

**Findor**: On three. It's always faster to go on three.

**Nirgge:** Okay, okay. On three.

_Cut to Loly's HUD._

**Di-Roy: **Here! _(click)_

**Loly:** Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated.

_Cut to Findor._

**Findor:** Ready?

_Cut to Loly's HUD._

**Loly:** Acquiring target.

_Cut to Skullak and Rey._

**Skullak:** I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.

_Cut to Findor and Nirgge. Nirgge is backing away._

**Findor:** One...

_Nirgge turns around and starts running away. The view cuts to Loly's HUD, her crosshair following Nirgge._

**Loly**: Target acquired.

_Cut to Nirgge running._

**Nirgge:** _(panting heavily)_ Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit...

_Cut to Findor._

**Findor: **Two...

_Cut to Loly's HUD locking onto Nirgge._

**Loly:** Target locked.

_Cut to Skullak running toward the Warthog_. _He's panting loudly._

_Cut to Findor._

**Findor:** Three! _(turns around and sees Nirgge running away)_ Oh, you back-stabbing cock bite!

**Loly:** Firing main cannon.

_Loly fires and blows up the Warthog right in front of Nirgge._

**Findor:** _(crouches next to Loly)_ Son of a bitch!

**Nirgge:** SON OF A BITCH!

**Skullak:** _(near the explosion)_ Son of a bitch!

**Loly:** Firing main cannon.

**Findor:** Shit!

_Loly fires._

**Findor: **_(indecipherable)_

**Loly:** Firing main cannon.

**Findor:** Dammit!

_Loly fires._

**Loly:** Firing main cannon. _(fires)_

_Cut to Skullak running back up to meet Rey._

**Rey:** Hey dude, the jeep blew up.

**Skullak**: No kidding! Thanks for the update, Rey.

_Cut to Nirgge and Findor hiding behind a rock._

**Loly:** Firing main cannon. _(fires, hits the rock)_

**Findor:** _(mocking Nirgge)_ Hey, I have a GREAT idea. Let's get out of the jeep and sneak around the back of the rock.

**Loly:** Firing main cannon. _(fires, hits the rock)_

**Findor: **Great plan, you idiot!

_Cut to Loly's HUD_ _looking over the rock._

**Loly:** All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.

_Her crosshair starts panning up and to the left._

_Cut to Skullak and Rey with Skullak standing in the open looking down at the tank._

**Skullak**: Hey, Rey, look at this, man - it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds.

**Rey**: What? No way!

**Skullak**: Hey, rookie! Good job, man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?

**Loly:** New target acquired. _(spinning turret around to aim at Skullak)_

_Cut to Loly's HUD, her crosshair slowly panning up the cliffside at Church._

**Di-Roy:** That's not a target. That's Skullak!

**Skullak:** Yeah, that's right, it's me, Skullak! What's going on, man?

**Loly:** _(locking on to Skullak)_ Target locked.

_Cut to Di-Roy in the driver's seat._

**Di-Roy:** What!? No! Target unlock! Unlock! Please help me, nice lady!

**Loly:** Firing main cannon.

**Di-roy:** Uh oh..._._

**Rey:** Uh oh...

**Skullak:** What?...Oh, son of a bi-

_Skullak is shot and launched into the air. His body hits the rock face and lands back on the ledge. _

**Rey:** Holy fuck! Skullak, are you okay? Talk to me! Skullak!

_Cut to Loly. Rey is visible on the cliff in the distance as he yells at Di-Roy._

**Rey:** You shot Skullak, you team-killing fucktard!

**Loly:** Auto-fire sequence deactivated.

**Skullak:** _(dying)_ Rey! ...R-Rey!

**Rey:** Skullak! It's going to be okay, man.

**Skullak**: No! Ah... I'm na-I'm not gonna make it. Rey... there's something I need to tell you.

**Rey:** What is it?

**Skullak:** I just want you to know.. I always hated you. I always hated you the most.

**Rey:** Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick.

**Skullak:** Okay. Herk!...Bleah...


	9. Ep 9

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_After Skullak!_

_Findor and Nirgge run up the ramp onto the Red Base where Charlotte is waiting with the flag._

**Charlotte:** What happened?

**Nirgge:** _(panting heavily)_ Big... Tank... Shooting... Whooooh!

**Findor:** Damn, man, we only ran like three hundred feet. You are really out of shape.

**Nirgge:** _(still panting)_ Fuck... You...

**Charloote:** Where's your car?

**Findor:** General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.

**Nirgge:** Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

**Charlotte:** You lost the jeep? Oh man, Dordoni is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

_The Warthog suddenly flips up on the base from below by an explosion, landing between Charlotte and the other two. The camera cuts to a different angle to reveal Loly in the background._

**Nirgge:** What the hell..!?

_Loly fires._

**Nirgge:** SON OF A BITCH!

**Charlotte:** Oh crap! _(picks up the flag)_ What the hell is that thing?

**Nirgge:** _(crouching next to the Warthog)_ That's the tank!

**Charlotte:** Hey uh, Nirgge, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

_Loly fires._

**Nirgge:** No, keep that away from me!

_Cut to Di-Roy in Loly with Rey beside them. Loly fires._

**Rey:** Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

**Di-Roy:** Because it's locked on!

**Loly:** Target locked.

**Rey:** Well, unlock it.

**Di-Roy**: Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED SKULLAK!

**Rey:** Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.

_Cut to Charlotte._

**Charlotte:** I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but I think we're screwed.

_Loly fires._

**Findor:** Yeah! I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

_Radio sounds._

**Baraggan:** _(on radio, from a Pelican dropship)_ Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

**Nirgge:** Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?

**Baraggan:** Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command.

**Findor:** Sir, _(Loly fires in the background)_ this is Findor.

**Baraggan:** Hello, Findor. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

**Nirgge:** Actually, sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to _(Loly fires in the background)_ infiltrate the Blue Base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their _(Loly fires in the background)_ guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

**Baraggan:** _(radio sounds)_ ... _(more radio sounds)_ ...Am I talkin' to the right base?

**Nirgge:** Sarge, _(Loly fires in the background)_ WE. ARE GOING. TO DIE HERE!

**Baraggan:** Well then hold tight, boys. I think I gotta solution to your little "tank" problem.

_Cut to Rey._

**Rey:** Uh oh.

_Pelican flies over Red Base. _

**Rey:** Hey, Di-Roy, _(starts backing up)_ you might wanna get out of the tank. Like right now.

**Di-Roy:** I can't figure out how to get this thing open!

**Loly:** Night vision engaged.

**Rey:** Rookie, get out now!

_Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank._

**Di-Roy:** Okay, open the do- Okay, I, Loly, will you please open the door?

**Lolu:** Driver canopy open. _(Di-Roy gets out and runs away)_ Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle-

_Shell hits Loly and the explosion turns her upside down._

**Di-Roy:** Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! Running, running, running! _(reaches Tucker, panting)_ Man, that was close.

**Rey:** Look at your tank though.

**Loly:** I'm scared, Dave. Will I dream? Daisy... _(distorted, elongated)_ Daisy...

_Cut to Di-Roy and Rey._

**Di-roy:** Looollllyyyy! Noooooo!

**Rey:** What? No! Loly! Loly! W-Wait... Who's Loly?

**Di-Roy:** Loly's the lady in the tank. She was my friend...

**Rey:** Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!


	10. Ep 10

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_A Shadow of his Former Self!_

_Radio noise is heard as the camera fades from black. Di-Roy is standing behind Rey._

**Rey:** Come in, Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?

**Di-Roy:** Okay, that is the last of it. Your armor is clean now!

**Rey:** Did you get all the black stuff off?

_More radio noise is heard. Cut to Gin sitting at his control panel._

**Gin:** This is Blue Command. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.

**Rey:** Hello, Command! We need help!

**Gin:** Roger that, Blood Gulch. What is your request?

**Rey:** I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!

**Gin:** _(pauses)_ Dude, how long have you guys been down there?

**Rey:** No, no, no, n-not like that! We need more men to help us.

**Gin:** Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?

**Rey:** Yeah, that got blown up too.

**Gin:** Wow. Sucks to be you.

**Rey:** Yeah, we know.

**Gin:** Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest Blue forces can be there in 16 days, or I-

**Rey:** 16 days!? That's almost 2 weeks!

**Gin:** OR I can hire a nearby Freelancer and get him there within a few hours.

**Di-Roy:** I like the "in an hour" one.

**Rey:** Yeah, me too. Roger that, Command. We prefer the quicker solution.

**Gin:** 10-4, Blood Gulch. We'll contact Freelancer Tex and have them there post-haste. Command out.

_Radio cuts off._

**Rey:** Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.

**Charlotte:** What's a Freelancer?

**Rey:** Freelancers are independent. They're not Red or Blue. They're just guns for hire who'll fight for whoever has the most money.

**Di-Roy:** Like a mercenary.

**Rey:** Right! Or like your mom when the rent's due.

**Di-Roy:** ...Oh, that's funny.

**Rey:** Yeah? You didn't think that was too obvious?

**Di-Roy:** No, no, not at all. It- It was good.

_A semi-transparent Skullak fades into view between Rey and Di-Roy._

**Skullak:** _(ghostly voice)_ Rey... Rey...

**Rey:** Who the hell are you!?

**Skullak:** I am the ghost of Skullak, and I've come back with a warning!

**Di-Roy:** You're not Skullak! Skullak is blue. You're white!

**Skullak:** _(normal voice)_ Rookie, shut up, man! I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?

**Rey:** Yeah, that's definitely him.

**Skullak:** Now I gotta start over again. _(clears throat, resumes ghostly voice)_ Rey... Tey...! I've come back with a warning!

**Rey:** Is it _really_ necessary to do the voice?

**Di-Roy:** Yeah, it's kinda annoying.

**Skullak:** _(normal voice)_ Fine. Okay, here's the deal: I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-

**Di-Roy:** _(interrupting)_ What's the warning?

**Skullak:** Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!

**Di-Roy:** Oh, sorry.

**Skullak:** Seriously, man. I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. Do you think this is easy? It's not. It's not like, just, you know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration.

**Di-Roy:** Sorry.

**Skullak:** I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with but now I come back and I can't get a word in edgewise, man. _(takes a deep breath)_ Okay, here's the deal-

**Di-Roy:** _(interrupting)_ Is this the warning?

**Skullak:** Alright, that's it! I swear to god, Di-Roy, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.

**Rey:** Yeah, you're even starting to bug me.

**Skullak:** Okay, Rey. You remember that I told you that I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?

**Rey:** No.

**Di-Roy:** Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?

**Skullak:** Yes.

**Di-Roy:** Cool! What was that like?

**Skullak:** Um.. it was cold.

**Di-Roy:** That's it? Just cold?

**Skullak:** What do you want from me? A poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really.. fuckin'.. cold.

**Rey:** Will you just let him talk?

**Skullak:** Alright, well...

_Fade to Sidewinder._

**Skullak:** One day, when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember.. I was out on patrol with my partner, Ichigo. That Ichigo was a real good kid. Everybody liked him.

**Rey:** D'ya think I was a good kid, Skullak?

**Skullak:** Rey, don't get jealous, man. Just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, the guys were hanging around, waiting for some action, bitching about the cold...

**Sidewinder Blue #1:** Man, it's fucking cold.

**Sidewinder Blue #2:** I hope we get some action.

**Skullak:** Anyway, Ichigo was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.

**Ichigo:** _(in a highland southern accent)_ Yep, as soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.

**Skullak:** And that's when Tex showed up.

_A soldier in active camouflage [invisibility] moves in front of Ichigo and Skullak._

**Skullak:** Private Ikkaku was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of sudden he started screaming bloody murder...

**Private Ikkaku:** _(spinning around and shooting) _Bloody murder! Bloody murder!

_A Blue firing an Assault Rifle is hit from behind by a camouflaged Tex._

**Skullak:** The whole thing was over before it even started.

_Tex kills another Blue. Switch to Ichigo and Skullak firing their guns._

**Skulak:** Poor Ichigo was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Ichigo's skull right out of his head, and beat him to death with it.

_Cut to Rey at Blood Gulch._

**Rey:** Wait a second.. how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.

**Skullak:** That's exactly what Ichigo kept screaming.

_Cut to Tex hitting Ichigo with his skull._

**Ichigo:** This doesn't seem physically possible! _(he collapses)_ Hurk! Bleh...

_Cut to Blood Gulch._

**Skullak:** Bottom line is, these Freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst.

**Di-Roy:** If he's such a bad-ass, why didn't he kill you?

_Cut to Skullak standing alone in Sidewinder with blood all over the ground. The camera zooms out, revealing all the Sidewinder Blues are dead._

**Skullak:** To tell ya, I don't know why I'm not dead. Coulda killed me at any point. ...But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into each other once before.

**Rey:** Where?

**Skullak:** You, uh.. you remember that girl I told you about, back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. Guys, I'm fading fast, and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here.

**Rey:** Okay.

**Skullak:** I mean it, REy. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it...

_Skullak fades away._

**Rey:** So..! Tex and Skullak were after the same girl.

**Di-Roy:** I told you his girlfriend was a slut.

_The camera pans, revealing Tex standing behind Rey and Di-Roy._


	11. Ep 11

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Knock,knock. Who's There? Pain!_

_Baraggan and Nirgge are standing next to the Warthog which is now on its side behind Red Base. Dordoni is crouched over it, repairing it wiht a socket wrench._

**Nirgge:** And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock, but uh, well that's when the tank showed up and.. shit just started blowin' up. I don't know. _(sighs)_

**Baraggan:** _(exhales in exasperation)_ Nirgge, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?

**Nirgge:** I-I don't know, uh, like, uh, what... ten, ten... twenty, twenty-five bucks, maybe? Uh, you-you're gonna kill me now, aren't you?

**Baraggan:** Tell you what, Nirgge, I'm a fair man. I'll give you a ten-second head start here before I let Dordoni do anything he wants to ya.

_Dordoni stops working and stands up to face Nirgge_.

**Nirgge:** Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry here, and-

_Dordoni puts down his tool for a gun._

**Baraggan:** Five Mississippi. Six Mississippi.

**Nirgge:** _(backing away)_ Okay, uh, I guess I better get going then.

_Dordoni and Baraggan look at each other then turn and start firing at Nirgge_ _off screen_.

**Nirgge:** Hey guys, that's not funny! Somebody could get hurt here.

_Cut to the top of Blue Base where Rey is standing next to Tex who is firing at something_.

**Rey:** That's basically it, sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.

**Tex:** And your flag. _(reloads)_

**Rey:** Right, that too.

_Tex throws a grenade at something._

**Rey:** Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here.

_Camera pans, showing Tex has been firing "at" Di-Roy_.

**Di-Roy:** I'm scared.

_Tex starts looking over various weapons. Di-Roy runs up to Tex and Rey._

**Rey:** So, you've got the Special Forces black armor, I see. Were you in the Special Forces at some point?

**Tex:** _(looks at Rey while reloading a gun)_

**Rey:** Yeah, I used to have black armor too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th-

_Tex runs off._

**Rey:** Oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.

**Di-Roy:** _(whispering loudly)_ I don't think he likes you.

**Rey:** ...Thanks.

_Rey and Di-Roy run up to the edge of the base._

**Rey:** Where are you going?

**Tex:** Red Base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.

**Di-Roy:** Oh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans.. porter...

_Cut to Nirgge on top of Red Base._

**Nirgge:** So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because SOMEBODY didn't believe in it.

**Fidnor:** Bullshit! He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey, and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges.

**Charlotte:** Hey, since I captured the flag, d'ya think they'll give me my own color armor now?

**Findor:** What do you mean "captured"? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.

**Charlotte:** Still, you think there's a shot?

**Findor:** Maybe they'll give you Nirgge's armor, since he destroyed the Warthog.

**Nirgge:** Hyeah, heh-wait... You don't.. You don't think they'd do that, do you?

_Cut to Baraggan watching Dordoni fix the Warthog with a socket wrench._

**Baraggan:** Try connectin' that hose to that metal thingy there.

_Dordoni stands up._

**Baraggan:** I think that's what's makin' that rattle.

_Dordoni turns and faces Baragga_.

**Baraggan:** I think I'll let you do it.

_Dordoni returns to work. Invisible Tex runs behind Baraggan._

**Baraggan:** What the...? What was that?

_Cut to Nirgge._

**Nirgge:** Findor, what's going on? What's over there?

**Findor:** _(looking over the edge of the base)_ I thought I saw something for a second.

_Camera pans down to reveal invisible Tex, then cuts back to Nirgge_.

**Nirgge:** Hey rookie, tuck the flag some place safe until we can figure out what's goin' on.

**Charlotte:** Good idea! I was sick of carrying this thing anyway. _(drops the flag into the middle of the base)_

_Cut to Tex, then to Nirgge and Findor looking off the edge of the base._

**Findor:** Did you hear that?

**Nirgge:** Yeah.

**Charlotte:** _(whispering)_ Hey! What's going on?

_Cut__to Tex who throws a plasma grenade, then cut to Nirgge and Findor from behind. Nirgge turns around_.

**Nirgge:** What the fuck?

_Cut__to Charlotte who has the plasma grenade stuck to his helmet._

**Charlotte:** What?

**Findor:** _(turns around)_ What is _that_ thing?

**Charlotte:** _(concerned)_ What thing?

**Nirgge:** There's somethin' on your head.

**Charlotte:** What, is it a spider? Get it off!

**Findor:** No, it's not a spider, it's, like a.. blue thing.

**Charlotte:** What, like a blue spider? Get it off!

**Nirgge:** It's not a spider! Calm down. It's some kinda.. fuzzy, pulsating thing.

**Charlotte:** That doesn't sound much better than a spider.

**Findor:** Does it hurt?

**Charlotte:** No.

**Findor:** Maybe we should try to take it off.

**Nirgge:** Good idea. Go for it.

**Findor:** Me? By "we" I meant "you". Asshole.

**Charlotte:** Well somebody needs to get it off. Look, it might be dangerous.

_The grenade explodes._

**Nirgge and Findor:** Son of a bitch!

**Nirgge:** Fin- Where'd he go?

_More sounds of people being hit._

**Nirgge:** Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!

**Note: Cirucci is play that part of Tex/Allison. **


	12. Ep 12

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Down, but Not Out!_

**Nirgge:** _(heard in distance)_ Fin- Where'd he go? Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!

_Fade in to Blue Base. Di-Roy is looking through the sniper rifle._

**Di-Roy:** Man... He is really kicking their asses.

**Rey:** How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

**Di-Roy:** _(lowers the rifle)_ I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

**Rey:** Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

**Di-Roy:** Yeah. I think switching Tex for Skullak was a good trade.

**Rey:** It definitely seems like your killing Skullak is starting to work out for us.

**Di-Roy:** Ya know, ya think so? You know, I was gonna say something but, uh, well you know, uh... nuh...

**Rey:** Did Tex get in the base?

**Di-Roy:** _(raises the rifle and watches Tex enter the base)_ Yeah.

_Cut to the flag stand in the Blue Base. The flag reappears._

**Unknown Male Voice:** Blue Team, flag returned.

**Rey:** What the...? Who said that?

**Skullak:** _(clears throat)_ Sorry, that was me. I, uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way.

**Di-Roy:** Hey, it's Skullak!

**Skullak:** Yeah, it's me. Hey, Di-Roy.

**Di-Roy:** _(peppy)_ Hey, Skullak, what're you up to?

**Skullak:** Di-Roy, _(laughs)_ ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?

**Rey:** Wh-What? Oh, th-that flag? We've always had that.

**Skullak:** Rey, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey, wait a second... Where's Tex?

**Rey:** I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, elbow grease.

**Skullak:** Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

**Di-Roy:** _(clueless)_ That Sidewinder is cold..!?

**Skullak:** _(grunts)_ What was the OTHER one thing I told you?

**Rey:** Not to let him get involved?

**Skullak:** Right. And what did you do?

**Rey:** ..We let him get involved.

**Skullak:** And not just a little involved. How involved?

**Di-Roy:** Very, very involved.

_Cutto Tex in the Red Base._

**Baraggan:** _(emerging from the left)_ Freeze.

_Dordoni emerges from the right, trapping Tex in._

**Baraggan:** Drop your weapon.

**Tex:** _(drops the gun)_ Hey, buddy.

**Baraggan**: What.

**Tex:** You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

_Baraggan hits Tex with the butt end of his shotgun, conveniently knocking Tex out._ _Cut to Nirgge on the Red Base getting to his feet._

**Nirgge:** Ow, what the... My freakin' head. Jesus.

**Findor:** _(stands up from tending to Charlotte)_ He's hurt, Nirgge. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast.

**Nirgge:** Yeah, yeah, hold on one second. What happened here? W- First Charlotte's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started-

**Findor:** Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out.

**Nirgge:** Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

**Findor:** Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Charlotte outta here.

**Nirgge:** Yeah, sure. Oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way. Thanks for asking. _(runs down the ramp)_

**Findor:** Whatever, no one likes you anyway.

_Cut to Di-Roy looking through the sniper rifle at Nirgge entering the Red Base._

**Di-Roy:** Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead. ... _(inhales sharply as he has an epiphany)_ Or captured AND dead!

**Skullak:** _(sarcastic)_ Oh, well that's just PERFECT!

**Rey:** What!? What is your problem!? Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend.

**Skullak:** I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married.

**Di-Roy:** She?

_Cut to inside Red Base with everyone but Donut present._

**Findor:** Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here.

**Baraggan:** Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "Shit I already know!" Get on the horn with Command!_(turns to Tex)_ Well, look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup.

_Tex is standing, sparks flying from the right shoulder, jerking it back._ _There's a brief sound like a distorted voice._

**Tex:** _(now sounding female)_ Oh great... You broke my voice filter. You cock biting fucktards!

**Nirgge:** Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!

**Tex**: ...What's the matter? You never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?


	13. Ep 13

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Human Peer Bonding!_

_Rey on top of Blue Base._

**Rey:** Let me get this straight... You're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Di-Roy, and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And, on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?

**Skullak:** In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.

**Di-Roy:** I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls never like me.

**Rey:** Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.

**Di-Roy:** I like me...

**Rey:** I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?

******Skullak**: I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark.

******Di-Roy**: Wait, oh wait, oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?

******Skullak**: Uh... because she's from Texas.

******Di-Roy**: ...

******Skullak**: Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.

**Rey:** Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!

******Skullak**: Will you shut up with that? She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this _really_ aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.

******Di-Roy**: A.I... What's the A stand for?

******Skullak**: Artificial.

******Di-Roy**: ...What's the I-

******Skullak**: _(interrupts)_ Intelligence.

**********Di-Roy**: Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?

******Skullak**: Let's move on.

******Rey**: So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?

******Skullak**: Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch. It's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.

******Rey**: Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there, buddy. She's a keeper.

******Skullak**: So how're you doing, Di-Roy? Are you following any of this whatsoever?

**********Di-Roy**: I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot!

******Skullak**: Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.

_Cut to Nirgge and Findor holding Tex at gunpoint._

**Nirgge:** So, you're a girl, huh?

**Tex:** ...

**Findor:** Just ignore him, that's what I do.

******Nirgge**: Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?

**Tex:** Hey, punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

******Nirgge**: Yeah, right. What're you gonna do? Punch me?

_Tex leans in at Nirgge quickly. Nirgge flinches and steps back_.

**Grif:** Ahh! Not in the face!

_Cut to Skullak on Blue Base._

**Skullak:** Well don't worry because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex.

**Rey:** A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or a ..mission statement?

******Skullak**: I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex.

**Di-Roy:** _(nervous)_ Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like "decoy."

******Skullak**: The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many Freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base.

******Rey**: Sounds good. But Skullak, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor?

_Skullak looks at the teleporter, then Rey looks at it too._

******Rey**: _(looks back at Skullak)_ ...Oh fuckberries...


	14. Ep 14

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Roomier than it Looks!_

_Rey comes out of the teleporter with black armor on._

**Skullak:** Are you okay, Rey?

**Rey:** Yeah, I'm fine. _(runs up to the top of a nearby hill)_ Come on, Di-Roy!

**Di-Roy:** _(on top of the base)_ Does it hurt?!

******Rey**: No, not at all!

******Di-Roy**: Okay! Here I come!

******Skullak**: Does it hurt for real?

******Rey**: Ohh, yeah. Big time.

_Skullak and Rey turn towards the teleporter._

******Di-Roy**: _(emerging from the teleporter in black armor)_ Owwwchie. _(turns to Rey)_ You lied to me.

_Cut to Baraggan on top of Red Base._

**Baraggan:** Ah, dammit. Dordoni, c'mere. Do you see something out there?

_Dordoni looks through a sniper rifle, then turns to Baraggan and lowers his head. Camera pans down to Nirgge and Findor inside the base._

**Findor:** There's no L in it, it's pronounced both.

**Nirgge:** That's what I'm saying. Bolth.

******Findor**: Both.

******Nirgge**: You sound like such an ass the way you say it.

******Baraggan**: Nirgge! Quit your yammering and get your keister up here. Need some help. Got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base.

******Nirgge**: As in... more than one? Uh, maybe we should _bolth_ go, sir.

******Findor**: BOTH.

******Nirgge**: Seriously, man, like an ass.

******Baraggan**: Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank. Why don't you both come up? Leave the prisoner alone. We could just put her on the honor system - have her guard herself.

******Nirgge**: Good point, sir.

******Baraggan**: YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We got just enough time for me to spraypaint the bull's-eye on your back... Ah, by bull's-eye I of course mean camouflage. Now move it, cupcake.

******Nirgge**: Yeah... _(sighs)_ I'll be right up.

_Cut to Skullak looking through a sniper rifle._

**Skullak:** Hey, Rey. Come in, man. You there? This is Skullak. It's working. The orange one is coming out of the base. I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base.

_Cut to Di-Roy and Rey hiding behind a rock, listening over the radio._

**Rey:** Roger that.

**Di-Roy:** Oh, oh oh oh, Rey, Rey, Rey! Is that.. Is that Skullak?

******Skullak**: Okay, now just keep moving around outside of the base, and draw their attention.

******Di-Roy**: _(speaking over Skullak, drowning him out)_ Tell him, that I.. that I said.. for me to say hi..?

**Rey**: Whoa, wait, wait, hey. What? I missed that, Di-Roy was talking to me. Shut up man, I'm on the radio.

_Cut to Skullak._

******Skullak**: I said, just keep movin-

******Rey**: _(over radio)_ I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Skullak. ...No, I'll tell him you said "hi" later. No, you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?

******Skullak**: _(severs the connection)_ Oh my god. I can't believe I actually died for this war.

_Cut to Nirgge looking through a sniper rifle. Skullak can be seen running through the background towards Red Base._

**Nirgge:** I don't see any- _(sees Di-Roy running across the Gulch)_ Uh oh. Yep, there's one._ (Di-Roy stops next to a rock and stares at it)_ ...Why is he just standing there?

_Cut to Rey crouching behind another rock_.

******Rey**: Di-Roy, get behind the rock. They can still see you.

******Di-Roy**: They can't see me. I can't see them!

******Rey**: That's because you're facing the rock.

******Di-Roy**: _(looks at the base)_ Oh. Right. _(ducks behind the rock)_

**Rey**: Real smooth, dipshit.

_Cut to Baraggan on Red Base._

**Baraggan:** They're definitely Special Ops. I ain't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidew-_(Skullak enters Baraggan's body)_ Wa-kika-herger!

**Nirgge:** Sir, are you okay?

**Skullak** **as ****Baraggan**: Uh, who you talking to, Red? Me?

******Nirgge**: _(sarcastically)_ No. I'm talking to Dordoni. Because, you know, that's real rewarding.

_Dordoni takes a swing at Nirgge who steps back._

******Nirgge**: Hey, what'd I tell you about that?

******Skullak**: Oh, uh I-I'm fine, that's... I'm just so mad about, these uh, god damn Blues out here. They got me so god damn mad, I could spit! _(horks one up and spits on his visor)_

******Nirgge**: ...Um, sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?

******Skullak**: Uh, yeah. I guess I did.

******Nirgge**: Permission to speak freely, sir?

******Skullak**: Go ahead.

******Nirgge**: That's really fucking gross.

_Cut to Di-Roy crouching down._

**Di-Roy:** Hey, Rey?

**Rey:** What?

**Di-Roy**: I'm having a really good time... with... you.

******Rey**: _(annoyed)_ That's great, Di-Roy.

******Di-Roy**: Yeah, it's like we're real soldiers.

******Rey**: Would you please go hide behind another rock?

_Cut to Skullak as Baraggan running down to where Tex and Findor are_.

**Skullak:** Hey, man. What's up, yo?

**Findor:** Uh... hey...? What's going on out there, sir?

******Skullak**: What's, uh.. why nothin'. Why would you ask if somethin's wrong?

******Findor**: I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.

******Skullak**: Yeah, well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there ..other Red guy. So I'ma keep my eye on you.

******Findor**: _(turning around to face Tex)_ Sarge, I'm starting to think that-

_Skullak hits Findor on the back of the head, knocking him down._

******Findor**: Ow, geez, the back of my head!

**Tex:** What the hell are you doing!?

******Skullak**: Tex! It's me, Skullak! I've come to rescue you.

**Tex:** You're kind of short to be Skullak.

**Skullak:** What? Oh yeah, right. The armor.

_Skullak leaves Baraggan_.

**Baraggan:** Hurk! What in Sam Hell? Where the- Who spit on my visor?

******Skullak**: Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this Red guy so that I could sneak in to the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon dressed in black armor that they got from going through the teleporter.

**Tex:** ...Okay.

******Skullak**: What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?

**Tex:** No. It pretty much all makes sense.

******Skullak**: Not even the whole "Skullak is a ghost" thing? That didn't do anything for ya?

**Tex:** I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious...

******Skullak**: Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy, and we'll get outta here.

******Baraggan**: _(as Skullak re-enters him)_ Huuurk!

_Cut to Di-Roy looking through the sniper rifle, with Rey near him_.

**Rey:** What're you doing?

**Di-Roy:** One of the Reds has Tex. I'm going to shoot him, and kill him, and free Tex. Then Skullak will forgive me for killing him, and we will be friends.

******Rey**: Oh, come on. You don't actually believe any of that, do you?

******Di-Roy**: _(taking aim on Baraggan's head)_ Ohhh, we're gonna be best friends.

_Cut to Skullak as Baraggan, and Tex, outside the Red Base_.

******Skullak**: Alright, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One... Two... Three!

_Di-roy shoots Baraggan in the head, and his body falls down._

******Skullak**: What the? Where did my body go? Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!

******Di-Roy**: Rey did it!


	15. Ep 15

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_How the Other Half Lives!_

_Colors are dulled. Baraggan is running up a hill, toward the camera._

**Baraggan:** _(with a slight echo)_ Hello? ... Hello? I said hello? Hello, is anybody out here?

_Cut to Skullak._

**Skullak:** _(with a slight echo)_ Holy cow, would you stop yelling? I'm here.

_Skullak runs up to Baraggan._

******Baraggan**: What is this place?

******Skullak**: Well, that's.. kinda hard to explain. Um... You were shot in the head, buddy. So, here ya are.

******Baraggan**: Am I dead?

******Skullak**: Are you dead? Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here.

******Baraggan**: Are you some kinda angel?

******Skullak**: _(chuckling)_ Aheh heh heh.. am I an angel. Uh, _(clears throat)_ yeah, actually, I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you wanna go to Heaven? 'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in.

******Baraggan**: Well I, uh, I didn't really bring any.. I mean, my wallet's back in the car.

******Skullak**: Hey, you don't have it there, huh? Well uh.. that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to Hell for an eternity.

******Baraggan**: I don't remember dyin'.

******Skullak**: Yeah, that's my fault too. I was... sort of possessing your body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that.

******Baraggan**: Hold on a second, that ain't fair.

******Skullak**: Not fair? Yeah, join the frickin' club. I got shot by my own tank.

_Cut to Loly aiming at Skullak._

**Loly:** Target locked.

**Skullak**: Oh ha ha, very funny Loly. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go there, g-get, go over by the base. Shoo, shoo!

_Loly lowers her turret and drives off._

_Cut to Nirgge and Findor over Baraggan's body in the real world; the picture is distorted, wavy anytime the real world is shown._

**Nirgge:**Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier, do you hear me? I'm ordering you!

_Cut to Baraggan in "Dead World."_

******Baraggan**: Who is that? Who's there?

******Skullak**: Looks like your guys are trying to save you.

_Cut to Nirgge hitting Baraggan in the chest with the butt end of his gun._

******Nirgge**: You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!

_Cut to Baraggan in "Dead World."_

******Baraggan**: That is not the way you were trained to do that, Private!

******Skullak**: He can't hear you.

_Cut to Findor._

**Findor:** Nirgge, this isn't working. We have to try something else.

_Cut to Skullak in "Dead World."_

**Skullak**: If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving.

_Cut to Findor._

******Findor**: ...Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth.

_Cut to Skullak in "Dead World."_

******Skullak**: I'm leaving.

******Baraggan**: I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me.

******Skullak**: Why wouldn't they? I mean, my team didn't, but, why wouldn't yours?

******Baraggan**: I thought they didn't like me.

******Skullak**: Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks.

******Baraggan**: Hold on, if you're an angel, how come you ain't got no wings?

******Skullak**: Because nobody rang a bell, ah heh heh heh heh. Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?

**Baraggan**: Oh, I feel the worst about Nirgge. I always made fun of him. I never even told him.. he was my son.

******Skullak**: No way! The orange guy is your son?

******Baraggan**: Nah, I just wanted to screw with him one last time. But now I'll never get that chance.

_Cut to Nirgge rising to his feet._

******Nirgge**: He's breathing! We saved Sarge!

_Cut to Baraggan in "Dead World."_

******Baraggan**: I'm what?

******Skullak**: He's what?

******Baraggan**: Well, I'll be a monkey's... they saved me.

******Skullak**: What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!

******Baraggan**: Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella! _(voice starts to fade away)_ Will I remember any of this?

******Skullak**: Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!

_Baraggan regains consciousness and stands up between Nirgge and Findor in the real world, the wavy effect is no longer present._

******Baraggan**: _(clears throat)_ There. What... What happened here?

******Findor**: Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.

******Baraggan**: I always believed in you, Findor.

******Findor**: Uh, actually, it's Nirgge you should thank, sir. He did all the work.

******Baraggan**: Nirgge?

******Findor**: Yes, sir.

******Baraggan**: Nirgge, why in Hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head!? That doesn't make a lick of sense.

******Nirgge**: _(sighs)_ You're welcome, sir.

******Baraggan**: I mean it's all so damn inconsistent! What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe? Rub my neck with aloe vera? Hey there, Nirgge! I think I feel an aneurysm comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic mass-ag-es? ...Use your fingers, not your knuckles. ...That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low. _(long pause)_ ...oh yeah, shiatzu.


	16. Ep 16

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_A Slightly Crueler Cruller!_

_Charlotte stands on top of Red Base in pink armor._

**Charlotte:** Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!

_Nirgge and Findor look at each other._

**Nirgge:** Uh... hey, Charlotte?

******Charlotte**: What?

**Findor:** Um, about your armor...

******Charlotte**: What about it?

******Findor**: How do I put this... Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Nirgge, uh, you wanna help me out here?

******Nirgge**: It's pink. Your armor is frickin' pink!

******Findor**: Yeah, that's it. Pink.

******Charlotte**: Pink? My armor's not pink!

******Nirgge**: PINK.

******Findor**: Yeah, definitely pink.

******Charlotte**: You guys are color-blind. Why would they give me pink armor?

******Nirgge**: Hey, don't ask, don't tell.

******Findor**: _(over Nirgge's laughter)_ Heh, that's not funny.

******Nirgge**: _(laughs a little more)_ It's a little funny.

******Charlotte**: Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uh.. a "lightish red".

******Nirgge**: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink.

******Charlotte**: I hate you guys.

**Baraggan:** _(running up the ramp with Dordoni in tow)_ Well hello, dirtbags. ...and a fine hello to you, madam.

******Charlotte**: It's LIGHT red.

******Baraggan**: Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?

******Charlotte**: Yes sir.

******Baraggan**: Excellent.

**Charlotte:** _(holding up a mechanical unit)_ They said this speech unit should work with Dordoni.

******Nirgge**: Speech unit?

******Charlotte**: _(handing the unit over to Baraggan)_ Here you go.

******Baraggan**: Affirmative. Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Dordoni, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. ...No offense, Findor.

******Findor**: Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.

******Nirgge**: Wait a second.. Dordoni is a robot?

******Findor**: Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?

******Nirgge**: I just thought he was a really quiet guy.

******Baraggan**: And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?

******Nirgge**: Well I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd... Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me.

******Findor**: Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.

******Baraggan**: How come?

******Findor**: Because static could damage the card.

******Baraggan**: Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets. _(Nirgge and Findor look at each other)_ And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up! _(he inserts the card and there's a visible electric discharge which makes him jumps back)_ YOW!

******Findor**: Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir.

******Baraggan**: Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite Private.

******Charlotte**: It's not pink, it's lightish red!

_Cut to Di-Roy and Rey outside the Blue Base. Rey's armor is clean, but Di-Roy's is still black._

**Di-Roy:** _(panting)_ Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?

**Rey:** Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor.

******Di-Roy**: Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know, uh, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

**Rey:** I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.

******Di-Roy**: Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.

_Cut to Charlotte._

******Charlotte**: So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?

******Nirgge**: Right. That was a grenade.

******Charlotte**: And the last thing I remember.. is a loud bang.. and then Findor fainting...

******Nirgge**: Ha! Told you so!

******Findor**: I did not faint.

******Baraggan**: Done and done. Dordoni. Activate speech unit!

**Dordoni:** Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres.

******Charlotte**: _(over the last five numbers)_ Am I the only one not understanding any of this?

******Dordoni**: Me llamo es Dordoni.

******Nirgge**: Dordoni, he just said Dodoni! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!

******Baraggan**: Dordoni, speak English.

******Dordoni**: Mi procesador Inglés tiene malfunctioned. Sé habla solamente español.

******Findor**: Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.

******Baraggan**: Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.

******Charlotte**: Seriously, dude. For the last time: Not pink.

******Baraggan**: Dordoni. I order you to speak a language we understand.

******Dordoni**: Negativo.

******Baraggan**: Well this is just dandy. Dordoni, HOW - DO - WE - FIX - YOUR - SPEECH - U-NIT?

******Nirgge**: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.

******Baraggan**: Dordoni, would you like to shoot Nirgge?

******Dordoni**: _(raising his gun)_ Sí señor. Gracias.

******Nirgge**: No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!

******Findor**: Alto means tall, you dumbass.

******Nirgge**: Then why do they put it on stop signs?


	17. Ep 17

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Points of Origin!_

_Tex, together with Skullak, Rey, and di-Roy, is standing outside Blue Base._

**Tex:** As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.

_Di-Roy and Rey simultaneously turn to face Skullak._

**Skullak:** I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?

_Di-Roy and Rey simultaneously turn to Tex._

**Tex:** Because _I_ didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.

_Di-Roy and Rey turn back to Skullak._

******Skullak**: You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor.

_Di-Roy and Rey turn to Tex._

**Tex:** Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.

******Skullak**: No, you can't! I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!

**Di-Roy:** Stop it! Stop fighting. Can't you see that you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?

**Tex:** What about you?

******Di-Roy**: We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing!

**Tex:** Well yeah, but...

******Skullak**: Yeah, but nothin'. He's got a point.

**Tex:** I did help them get the flag back.

**Rey:** Yeah, but you were paid to do that. We rescued you as a favor. We could have just let you rot in the Red Army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us.

**Tex:** Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here. What do you need me to do?

******Rey**: I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that.

**Tex:** ...Okay.

******Di-Roy**: Wait, you-you know how to fix Loly? ...I love you.

_Cut to Dordoni._

**Dordoni:** Entonces la décias "tu nos pesos más, yo peso más." Entonces pusieron los de nuestros cuerpos sobre la escala y fue determinado quién tenía el peso más grande. Después de eso me llamarían Dordoni la Pesado.

**Nirgge:** Man. First he doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get him to shut up. What's he saying?

**Findor:** What're you asking me for?

******Nirgge**: Well, you know, because you're of, uh, a Latino persuasion.

******Findor**: Simmons isn't a Spanish name, you dumbass. I'm Dutch-Irish.

******Nirgge**: But I thought-

******Findor**: What?

******Nirgge**: Eh, never mind.

**Charlotte:** ...I'm from Iowa.

******Nirgge** and **Findor**: Nobody cares!

_Cut to Rey and Di-Roy sneaking up behind Loly_.

**Skullak:** Okay, take it easy guys. When I was over at the Red Base, I saw that they've already got their jeep fixed. So whatever you do, don't let 'em see us before we get Loly back online.

******Di-Roy**: Okay, okay. Even if we get Loly fixed, how are we going to turn her over? I mean it's not as if we could just lift-

_In the background, Tex flips Loly back over_.

******Di-Roy**: Oh. She is a very strong lady.

**Skullak:** I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm gonna head up here to higher ground. I'll keep an eye on the Red Base. If I see anything, I'll let you know.

******Di-Roy**: Great, I'll come with you!

******Skullak**: That kinda defeats the purpose, Di-Roy.

******Di-Roy**: Okay. What if I'm really... _(softer)_ really... _(whispering)_ quiet?

******Skullak**: Do you even understand what the term "visibility" means?

******Di-Roy**: Ah hah hah, uhh... good one, Skullak.

******Skullak**: Seriously. You don't know what it means, do you?

******Di-Roy**: Uh, no...

******Skullak**: Di-Roy, just stay here, man, and try not to swallow your tongue or anything like that.

**Tucker:** Just watch the Red Base, and tell us if you see any movement.

_Rey runs up to Tex who is welding on the tank_.

******Rey**: So, I suppose if you're helping us, you're not as mean as I thought.

**Tex:** _(stops to face Rey)_ I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get hired to do mean things.

******Rey**: Yeah, but you like it.

**Tex:** Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do.

******Rey**: So let's say I payed you to kill Di-Roy. _(looks at Di-Roy)_ You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?

**Tex:** Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?

******Rey**: Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.

_Skullak is up on the ledge where he was killed._

******Skullak**: Hey, Rey!

******Rey**: What?!

******Skullak**: What the hell is my body still doing up here?

******Rey**: That's part of being dead, Skullak. Your body doesn't really move around much any more. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet.

******Skullak**: Alright, well let me rephrase that then: Why in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?

******Rey**: Buried? With what? All we have are pistols and rifles. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?

******Skullak**: Well then how about shipping me back home? You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect.

******Rey**: Well Skullak, here's your girlfriend. Tex, as one of Skullak's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?

_Tex turns around and starts working on the tank again._

******Rey**: That was a stirring eulogy. Rest in peace, good buddy!


	18. Ep 18

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_SPF 0!_

_Skullak, Di-Roy and Rey are standing over Skullak's body._

**Skullak:** I am not happy about this.

**Di-Roy:** I have an idea. ...I HAVE AN IDEA!

**Rey:** Yeah, we heard you the first time, Di-Roy, we were just ignoring you.

******Di-Roy**: Since you possessed that Red guy, and took control of him, why don't you just possess your own body?

******Skullak**: Oh I see, so that way I would be living inside of my own dead body.

******Di-Roy**: Yes.

******Skullak**: Unable to move, just, laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity.

******Di-Roy**: Yes.

******Skullak**: Okay, Di-Roy, I'll be sure to get right on that.

******Di-Roy**: I think you are a mean ghost.

******Rey**: Dude, you really stink.

******Skullak**: What?

******Rey**: Your body, it stinks.

******Skullak**: Rey, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.

******Rey**: Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.

******Skullak**: It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.

******Rey**: Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?

******Di-Roy**: Hey, Rey, look, birds! Why are they flying around in circles?

******Skullak**: _(as a sigh)_ Nuh, God.

_Cut to Nirgge and Findor on the Red Base_.

**Nirgge:** Okay, I'll go again. I spy something.. that begins with...

**Findor:** Dirt.

******Nirgge**: Damn! How did you-

******Findor**: Well, because you did rock last time. That's all that's out here, is rock and dirt.

******Nirgge**: Yeah, this canyon sucks.

_Cut to Rey and Skullak watching Tex fix the tank from the cliff's edge. Di-Roy is behind Rey looking through the sniper rifle._

******Skullak**: How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?

******Rey**: Not much longer. She said it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again.

******Skullak**: _(sarcastic)_ Oh, that's just fantastic.

******Rey**: Why would that upset you?

******Skullak**: Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the Reds, and they're all gonna die.

******Rey**: The Reds dying is a good thing.

******Skullak**: No, Rey, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat the Reds, Tex is outta here. And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head.

******Di-Roy**: A.I. ...

******Skullak**: Shut up, Di-Roy. And if I don't get it out before she leaves...

**Tucker:** If she leaves you won't ever find her again.

******Skullak**: Right.

******Rey**: So what're you gonna do?

******Skullak**: I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do. I have to warn the Reds before she fixes the tank.

******Rey**: You're switching sides?

******Skullak**: Sorry, guys. I don't have much choice.

******Di-Roy**: Skullak, uh, wha-what happens when the Reds out here.. to stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us..?

******Skullak**: I'll try to help you as best I can. Good luck, guys.

_Skullak fades away._

******Di-Roy**: Does this mean I should try to kill Skullak now?

******Rey**: I tell you what: kill me. I promise not to come back.

******Di-Roy**: Hey! LOOK AT THIS. _(focusing on Charlotte)_

******Rey**: No.

******Di-Roy**: They have A GIRL. They have a girl!

******Rey**: A what?

******Di-Roy**: A girl, a girl! Look! Pink armor!

******Rey**: Oh man, how come they get a girl?

**Tex:** _(from below them)_ Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin' right here?

******Rey**: Yeah, Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl-girl.

**Tex:** And what the hell does that mean?

******Di-Roy** and **Rey**: _(backing up from the edge of cliff, out of Tex's sight)_ Nothing!

******Rey**: Wait a second. If Tex heard that, do you think she heard Skullak's secret plan to warn the Reds about her?

******Di-Roy**: I don't know... but I think I know how to find out.

_Di-Roy steps back up to the edge, looking down at Tex._

******Di-Roy**: Hey...! Tex! Uh... Did you hear Skullak's secret plan to tell the Reds that you were fixing the tank?

_Tex turns back to the tank then Di-Roy backs up to join Rey_.

******Di-Roy**: I don't think she knows...Unless she can read minds... She can't read minds, can she? ...Can you hear what I'm thinking?


	19. Ep 19

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Last One Out, Hit the Lights!_

_Camera pans up to reveal Nirgee and Findor standing atop Red Base. Dordoni is visible in the background._

**Findor:** Hey.

**Nirgge:** Yeah?

******Findor**: You ever wonder why we're here?

******Nirgge**: No. I never, ever, wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.

_Skullak possesses Dondori._

**Dordoni:** Keegakergerk!

**Findor:** What? What's wrong with Dorodni?

_They turn to look at him._

******Nirgge**: I don't care.

******Findor**: Hey, Dorodni, uh.. you okay, man?

**Skullak as Dordoni:** Aye, muchachos, necesité darle... un aviso... (Guys, I need to give... you a... warning...)

******Skullak**: ¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy el hablar en Español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar Español! (What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!)

******Findor**: Um... Sure...

******Skullak**: ¡No, no, escucha mé! ¡La bruja teva a matar! ¡Ella está travajando en la tanque! (No, listen to me! The mean woman is going to kill you! She is fixing the tank!)

_Cut to Rey overlooking Tex who is still working on the tank_.

**Rey:** Aw, crap. Di-Roy, she's almost done fixing Loly. I better radio Skullak and tell him what's going on.

**Di-Roy:** Oh! Oh! Oh! Rey, please! Please! Rey! Rey! Rey! Rey, please! Re-

******Rey**: Yes, you can be the one who radios Skullak.

******Di-Roy**: Thanks, man. (_turns on radio_) Calling Skullak. Come in, Skullak. This is your close, personal friend, Private O'Malley.

******Rey**: O'Malley? You said your name was Di-Roy.

******Di-Roy**: I never said that, you guys did!

**********Rey**: Why didn't you correct us?

******Di-Roy**: Because I didn't want to be difficult. (_turns on radio... again_) Come in, Private Skullak. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armor vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. (_clears throat_) How is your progression?

******Skullak**: (_over radio_) ¡Di-Roy! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí! ¡No mas puedo hablar español! (Caboose! No one here is listening to me! I can only speak Spanish for some reason!)

******Di-Roy**: ... (turns to Rey) ...He says he wants to talk to you.

_Cut to Loly._

**Loly:** Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.

**********Rey**: Oh shit. We got trouble.

_Cut back to Skullak (as Dordoni) talking to Nirgge and Findor._

**Skullak:** Un tanque... grrrande!

******Nirgge**: Hey. I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language.

**Loly:** (from a distance) Target locked.

**Findor:** What country? We're on an alien planet.

******Nirgge**: What're you, a communist?

_Loly fires and hits the side of the Red Base_.

******Nirgge**: Son of a bitch!

**Findor:** Son of a bitch!

******Skullak**: ¡MADRE DE DIOS! (SON OF A BITCH!)

_Cut to Rey talking to Di-Roy as he looks through the sniper rifle. Loly can be heard firing in the background_.

**********Rey**: Okay, I'm getting really sick of asking people what's going on through that sniper rifle.

******Di-Roy**: Skullak is getting mad at us.

**********Rey**: Ohhhhh. Well that's a nice change of pace.

_Cut to Baraggan getting in the Warthog and driving it_.

**Baraggan:** Findor, I'm coming around in the Warthog. Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by.

******Findor**: Roger that.

_Loly fires._

******Nirgge**: I'll uh... I'll stay here.

******Findor**: Yeah. Stay here, and guard this cement ramp. It's _vital_ to our success.

_Baraggan skids near the base, Findor hops on, and they take off_.

******Findor**: Alright, I'm on board.

**Baraggan:** Alright, here's the plan-

_Loly fires and hits the rear passenger tire, blowing up the jeep and launching Baraggan and Findor._

**Baraggan:** JUNEBUG!

_Cut to Nirgge watching Baraggan and Findor come up the ramp._

******Nirgge**: Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?

******Findor**: Yeah, uh, did you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?

**Baraggan:** If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.

******Nirgge**: (_kneeling down next to Findor_) Uh, hey, Findor? By the way.. The ramp is secure.

_Cut to Loly._

**Loly:** Target locked. (_fires_)

_Cut to the Reds. Charlotte emerges from inside the base._

**Charlotte:** Hey, what're you guys doin' up here?!

******Nirgge**: That chick in the black armor's back!

**Charlotte:** What chick? The one that stuck the grenade to my head?

**Findor:** That's the one.

**Charlotte:** The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armor?

******Nirgge**: Charlotte, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really, dude.. It's a whole lot faster just to say pink.

**Charlotte:** Ohho..! Oh, I been waiting for this. (_runs up to the edge of the base and yells_) Hey, bitch! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!

_Charlotte throws a grenade. Nirgge and Findor are shown following its arc, then Skullak, then finally Rey and Di-Roy_.

**********Rey**: Man, that girl's got a really good arm.

_The grenade lands right on Tex's chest inside the tank_.

**Tex:** Aw, CRAP!

_Cut to Charlotte at the edge of the Red Base_.

**Charlotte:** _(yells, voice echoing)_ Hell yeah! Three points, you dirty whore!

_The grenade explodes._

******Skullak**: ¡Dios mío, no! (_runs out of the base toward Tex_) ¡Tejas, Tejas!

******Nirgge**: Uh, where's Dordoni going?

**Baraggan:**To fight the enemy head on in hand-to-hand combat. Mano e mano. What a brave little compadre. Dordoni, I never understood a word you said. But I do know one thing: You hated Nirgge, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios, amigo... Adios.

******Findor**: Shouldn't we help him?

**Baraggan:** Naw... That would just ruin the moment.

_Cut to Skullak over Tex's body._

**Tex:** Skullak, is that you? It-It's gone, Skullak. The A.I., it's gone. Thank you. Heeeee, bleah...

_Cut to Rey and Di-Roy on the ledge_. _Rey is watching the proceedings while Di-Roy is facing the cliff._

**Rey:** Crap. Skullak is gonna be pissed, and now he's got a body to kick our ass. Come on, Di-Roy, let's get back to base.

******Di-Roy**: I told you, my name isn't Di-Roy... _(turns around and speaks_ _in a deep voice_) My name... is..._O'Malley_...!

**Note: That the end of Season 1. Hope everything that are RvB fans like this and think I pick the right Arrancars for the part so far. **_  
_


	20. Ep 20

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Everything Old is New Again!_

_Static and radio noises are heard. Camera fades in on a dim view of a planet._

**Male Voice:** Come in Blue Command, come in.

_Camera fades out to black, then in on a panning view to the right over Blood Gulch._

**Male Voice**: This is Medical Officer Szayel Aporro Granz. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?

_Camera fades out to black, then in on a daylight view of the moon, slowly panning down._

**Gin:** _(distorted)_ Yes, dude, hello, can you read me? Hello? Check one, check two.

**Szayel**: Say again, Blue Command. I do not read.

******Gin**: Check two. Is this thing on? Hello, hello.

_Camera continues to pan down, revealing Szayel in purple armor_.

******Szayel**: Blue Command, please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo-

******Gin**: _(audio distortion ends, the song "Trocadero - No one" is heard in the background of the transmission exchange)_ Yo, I hear you. Calm down, dude, what's going on? Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello?

******Szayel**: Uh, roger that Command.

******Gin**: Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there. What's going on, dude?

******Szayel**: Roger tha... uh... is this Blue Command?

******Gin**: Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's goin' on?

**Szayel**: You're sure? The Blue Command Base?

******Gin**: Hey, dude. Take it easy. You called me, I didn't call you.

******Szayel**: Naw, I know, it's just...

******Gin**: It's just _what_, dude?

******Szayel**: Never mind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm gonna make contact with the Blue Squad members.

******Gin**: Blood Gulch, huh? Alright, let me look here, let me see what it says... Blood Gulch, bleu bleaou bee ehl, bluoea here we go, Blood Gulch, okay. Says here, you wanna make contact with Private Rey.. ask him about their wounded dude.

******Szayel**: Roger that. Any other orders?

******Gin**: Anything else.. yeah okay, yeah, it says here whatever you do, don't- oh. Okay, never mind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh... you'll be okay, just, uh, be very careful. That's all.

******Szayel**: ...Great.

******Gin**: Alright then. Well it's our goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just, um, you know call back, say "Dude, I've got some questions, what's goin' on." Over and out.

******Szayel**: Okay... Private Rey...

_Cut to Blue Base._

**Rey:** Hey, Skulla, we have a problem.

**Skullak:** _(in cobalt armor again)_ I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like.

******Rey**: I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.

**Di-Roy:** No, I didn't.

******Rey**: Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Skullak as a birthday present?

******Di-Roy**: You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.

******Rey**: What? What context?

_Szayel runs up behind Skullak._

******Skullak**: Listen, guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd established by now-

******Szayel**: _(interrupting)_ Excuse me.

******Skullak**: Hey, pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Ah, loo- I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do ya any good.

******Szayel**: Excuse me.

******Skullak**: _(turns around)_ Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you?

******Di-Roy**: _(to Rey, in his "scary voice")_ Don't ever be alone.

******Rey**: He's doing that thing again...

******Szayel**: My name's Szayel Aporro... uh, are you Private Rey?

******Skullak**: No, I am not Private Rey. My name is Skullak. This is Private Rey.

******Rey**: Yo!

******Skullak**: And our friend over there in regulation blue? That's Di-Roy. Or O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself.

******Di-Roy**: Why did you introduce me second?

******Rey**: Because he hates you.

_Cut to Szayel where two tombstones are seen in the background._

******Szayel**: I received your call for a medic.

******Di-Roy**: Medic? That was like three months ago.

******Rey**: Yeah, what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?

******Szayel**: I came as quickly as I could. Where's the patient?

******Skullak**: Well, she's about fifty yards behind you and six feet straight down.

_Szayel turns around and sees the tombstones_.

******Szayel**: Oh. _(turns back to the Blues)_ I'm sorry about your loss.

******Skullak**: What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks, man, it was tough but, well, what're you gonna do...

******Di-Roy**: We didn't like her very much. _(whispers loudly)_ She was mean to other people.

**Szayel**: Who's in the other grave?

******Skullak**: That's uh, that's me. I'm in that grave.

******Szayel**: ...uh huh. ...of course.

******Di-Roy**: See, uh, he, got killed by this uh, crazy runaway tank.

******Rey**: Or by the idiot driving it.

******Di-Roy**: Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh... oh! And then we had to uh, oyathatsright, spray paint him, ah, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. ...who ...is blue.

******Rey**: Right, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off.

******Skullak**: _(click)_ No esta completamente apagado, pendejo. (Not entirely turned off, moron.)

**Rey**: _(sighs)_ I'll go get the Spanish dictionary.

******Szayel**: Wait, so, no one here is hurt?

******Skullak**: _(click)_ No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever. See now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before.

******Di-Roy**: You said they were shorting out.

******Skullak**: _(click)_ I'm sorry, what was that Di-Roy? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

******Szayel**: Well then let me just check you two out, and I'll be on my way.

******Rey**: Whoooa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?

******Szayel**: _(holding up a medical scanner)_ No, I'm just gonna check your vitals.

******Di-Roy**: _(to Rey)_ I bet I have better vitals than you! _(to Skullak)_ ...What's a vital?

******Skullak**: On your way? I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here to join our squad?

******Szayel**: No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed.

******Skullak**: First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist is to help us kill all the Reds.

******Szayel**: Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector.

******Rey**: A conshe- who?

******Szayel**: I'm a pacifist.

******Di-Roy**: You're a thing that babies suck on...?

******Rey**: No, dude, that's a pedophile.

******Skullak**: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.

******Rey**: Oh yeah, right. Man, I was totally thinking about something else.

******Skullak**: That's real classy, Rey.

******Szayel**: _(finishing his scan)_ Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?

******Rey**: Why? You said you weren't gonna fight 'em.

******Szayel**: I'm not. Resources are low so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time.

******Skullak**: Man, that is so freakin' lame.

******Szayel**: I'm just gonna go to Red Base and see if they need any help.

******Skullak**: Well, if you're gonna go up to Red Base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand.

_Szayel's medical scanner gets shot._

******Skullak**: Yeah, just like that.

_Another shot goes between Szayel and Skullak._

******Skullak**: Scatter!

_Cut to Baraggan and Charlotte in the middle of the canyon. Charlotte is using a sniper rifle_.

**Baraggan:** Nice shot, cupcake.

**Charlotte:** Thanks, Sarge!

**Findor:** _(firing his machine gun a few times)_ Oh that's right, suck it, Blue!

**Nirgge:** _(standing up in front of Fndor)_ Yeah, sneak attack!

**Findor:** Sit down, you dumbass, I can't see.

**Baraggan:** Hike up yer knickers, fellas. Let's go get 'em

**Note: Well, its the beginning of Season 2. Enjoy! **


	21. Ep 21

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Motion to Adjourn!_

_Firefight outside the Blue Base._

**Skullak:** Okay, Rey, I need you to get up there, help Di-Roy shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.

**Rey:** I didn't even know what half of that meant.

******Skullak**: Just go over to Di-Roy's rock, and fire your gun a bunch.

******Rey**: That rock? Yeah, I don't think so.

******Skullak**: We do not have time to discuss this.

******Rey**: Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich.

******Skullak**: Rey, we're gonna give you covering fire.

******Rey**: Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.

******Skullak**: No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?

_To Nirgge and Findor firing their respective machine guns at the Blues_.

**Nirgge:** Finnnndoor... I-I can'tt ffeeel my handdds.

**Findor:** Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass.

_ Back to Church._

******Skullak**: Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Di-Roy!

**Szayel:** My name isn't Doc, it's Szayel Aporro.

******Skullak**: Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.

******Szayel**: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic.

******Rey**: What's the difference?

******Szayel**: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable.. while they die.

******Rey**: Mental note: don't ever get shot.

******Skullak**: It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.

******Szayel**: Alright, but I don't think it'll stick.

_******Rey**: Oh, trust us, it'll stick._

******Skullak**: Now get over to Di-Roy, and help him hold that position.

******Szayel**: I don't have a gun, I'm a pacifist.

******Skullak**: Well then just get over there and yell "bang bang bang".

******Szayel**: Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.

******Rey**: Oh, come on.

******Szayel**: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.

******Skullak**: Huh. I see.

_Skullak turns toward Di-Roy and very deliberately raises his gun, then fires one shot._

**Di-Roy:** Ahow! My foot...

******Skullak**: Well, looks like Di-Roy has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.

******Szayel**: You know, you could have just asked nicely.

_Zoom to the Reds._

******Findor**: Ah crap, I'm out. Give me some ammunition, Nirgge.

******Nirgge**: Me? I don't have any extra. I'm down to one bullet.

******Findor**: Wha- How can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds in to battle.

******Nirgge**: Wait, since when?

******Findor**: Since the last staff meeting.

******Nirgge**: We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet.

******Findor**: Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo.

**********Nirgge**: What's your job?

******Findor**: Me? I'm the Social Chairman.

**Baraggan:** Nirgee. Me and Treasurer Donut are empty. We need some clips.

******Findor**: Hey Nirgge, you remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it.

_To Szayel and Di-Roy._

******Szayel**: I'm here Di-Roy, where're you hit?

******Di-Roy**: Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!

******Szayel**: The left foot?

******Di-Roy**: Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and...

******Szayel**: I'm just gonna assume it's the bleeding one.

******Di-Roy**: Yeah, the red one. Aeh. I can't believe Skullak shot me.

******Skullak**: Oh don't even start, Di-Roy! _(echoing)_

******Szayel**: Anything else?

******Di-Roy**: Uh, well wha?

******Szayel**: You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?

******Di-Roy**: Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really really mad for some reason.

******Szayel**: ...Okay I'm just gonna start with the foot.

******Di-Roy**: Okay.

_To Rey and Skullak._

******Rey**: Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?

******Skullak**: I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo.

**Baraggan:** Hey, Blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!

******Skullak**: Surrender?


	22. Ep 22

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Red vs. Bleu!_

_The Reds and Blues are not shooting at each other. Baraggan is addressing Skullak._

**Baraggan:** We are giving you a chance to surrender!

**Nirgge:** There's no way this bluff is gonna work.

******Baraggan**: Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie. There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo.

_Cut to the Blues_.

**Skullak:** Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo... _(yells back)_ What're your terms?!

**Rey:** Their what?

_Cut to the Reds._

******Nirgge**: Our what?

**Findor:** I can't believe this is actually working. See if we can get Dordoni back, Sarge.

******Nirgge**: Oh yeah. 'Cause then he can fix the Warthog.

**Charlotte:** Oo oo, Sarge - tell them we want the flag.

******Nirgge**: Yeah, and some cake!

******Charlotte**: Ooh... Wait wait Sarge, just the cake.

******Baraggan**: Alright, Blues! First off! We want your flag-!

**Findor:** Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up.

******Baraggan**: ...to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!

******Skullak**: Uh oh.

******Baraggan**: You may know him as Señor El Roboto!

_Cut to the Blues._

******Rey**: Well, Skullak, what's it gonna be?

******Skullak**: Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing.

******Baraggan**: And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!

******Skullak**: Uh.. Uh, he's not here any more!

******Rey**: Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" and then he just took off!

******Skullak**: That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French. Let's try this: Hey, Reds! How about a medic?! Would you take a medic as a hostage?!

**Szayel:** A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there.

_Cut to the Reds._

******Findor**: Meh, that sounds pretty good to me.

******Nirgge**: I don't know, I think we can hold out for more.

******Findor**: We don't have any bullets, dumbass.

******Nirgge**: Oh, right. Take the medic. The medic's a good deal.

_Cut to the Blues._

******Skullak**: Hey, Doc. How's the patient?

******Szayel**: Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive.

******Rey**: He's talking about Di-Roy, right?

******Skullak**: No, I mean his toe. How's the toe I shot?

******Szayel**: What, that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago.

**Di-Roy:** (_sad_) Rest in peace, pinkie toe... _(in O'Malley voice)_ You shall be avenged!

******Szayel**: _(sighs)_ Tell you what... Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help.

******Skullak**: Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get?!

******Findor**: You?! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!

******Rey**: We've already got that! What else do you have?!

******Baraggan**: What do you want?!

******Skullak**: How about if you admit that the Red Team sucks?!

_The Reds mutter to themselves for a moment_.

******Baraggan**: What if we admit that one of us sucks?!

******Nirgge**: NICE. Wait, you mean Charlotthe, right?

_Screen blacks and shows "two hours later" in white letters, then returns to the Blues_.

******Skullak**: Okay then! We agree to the terms?! You first, and then we send over the medic!

******Baraggan**: Get on with it, Nirgge.

******Nirgge**: (_grunting sigh_) I would just like to let everyone know.. that I suck!

******Skullak**: And?!

******Nirgge**: And that I'm a girl!

******Skullak**: What else!?

******Nirgge**: And I like ribbons in my hair! And I want to kiss all the boys!

******Baraggan**: This may be the best surrender of all time.

******Findor**: Okay, is that good enough?!

******Skullak**: Yeah! _(turns to Doc)_ Alright, go ahead Doc.

_Doc runs over to the Reds_.

******Nirgge**: Man, I really hope you're worth this.

******Szayel**: Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the water here?

******Nirgge**: Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

******Szayel**: No water.. Then what do you drink?

******Nirgge**: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

******Baraggan**: I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo. Or a Sarsaparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. ...Oh, occasionally I do enjoy a 'Sex on the Beach.' Or a piña colada. (_singing_) If you like piña coladas, hengh! Gettin' caught in the rain, hengh! And you're not in to yoga, engh! Nirgge just has half a brain, ungh.


	23. Ep 23

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_The Joy of Toggling!_

_Szayel and Nirgge talking outside Red Base_.

**Szayel:** So he was shot in the head...

**Nirgge:** Right.

******Szayel**: ...and you gave him CPR for a bullet wound in the head.

******Nirgge**: Exactly.

******Szayel**: Yeah, I think that's a perfectly acceptable treatment.

******Nirgge**: That's what I said.

******Szayel**: Oh yeah, people often overlook alternative methods of care. Like that Blue guy that was shot in the foot during the battle? All I did was rub his neck with some aloe vera, he was fine.

******Nirgge**: Yeah, I don't know about all that. I'm just glad that Sarge is wrong.

**Baraggan:** Nirgge! Yer supposed to be watching the prisoner, not playing lookie-loo with him all day long!

******Nirgge**: Come on Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.

**Findor:** Oh, well you two will be great friends then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!

******Nirgge**: Hey thanks, kiss-ass. If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you.

**Charlotte:** Oh man, that is a burn. Dude, you just got burned. Burned, dude, burned.

******Findor**: Oh shut up, your armor's pink.

******Szayel**: Uh, hey, guys? I-I just want everybody to know that Nirgge and I aren't, uh, technically friends.. uh, we're just talking. That's it. (_to Nirgge_) Sorry, man, but it's pretty obvious that you're really unpopular, and if I'm gonna make any progress around here at all I can't really be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.

******Nirgge**: ...

******Szayel**: It's only because no one likes you.

******Nirgge**: ...

******Szayel**: Stop staring at me.

_Zooming through the gulch, revealing Loly still in the middle of it, then ends on Skullak and Rey behind Blue Base._

**Rey:** Hey Skullak, if your body is the Red Team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Loly?

**Skullak:** Huh... Well, yeah it's worth a shot, I guess. _(clears throat)_ Alright. Stand back. _(Tucker takes a step back)_ Huhrur...! Heeungh...! Hoom...!

******Rey**: Anything?

******Skullak**: Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be.

******Rey**: Maybe there's a button on you somewhere...

******Skullak**: See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here... Huroor...! Oh! Hey!

******Rey**: Found it?

******Skullak**: Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.

******Rey**:What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing. (_as Rey talks, 'Skullak' passes through the entrance of the base_)

******Skullak**: Celsius, Rey.

******Rey**: Oh come on, dude, Celsius sucks. (_kneels down and looks at Skullak_) Hey, I found something.

******Skullak**: Oh yeah? You found a button?

******Rey**: Naw dude, it's more like a ..switch.

******Skullak**: Well, give it a flip.

******Rey**: I don't wanna flip it.

******Skullak**: What's the problem?

******Rey**: It's in a weird place.

******Skullak**: Oh you've gotta be kidding me.

******Rey**: You flip it.

******Skullak**: These arms aren't that flexible, I can't even reach down there.

******Rey**: What about Di-Roy?

******Skullak**: Oh man, he's so stupid, I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.

******Rey**: Oh man...

******Skullak**: C'm-Rey, come on. We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner.

******Rey**: (_kneels down and tries to flip the switch_) It won't move, it's stuck.

******Skullak**: Did you try wiggling it?

******Rey**: No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.

******Skullak**: Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it.

_Rey kneels back down._

******Skullak**: ... So, you from around here, baby?

******Rey**: Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk like that.

******Skullak**: Alright alright alright alright, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

******Rey**: I wish Tex was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it.

******Skullak**: You obviously did not know Tex that well.

_Rey kneels back down and flips the switch and a beeping noise_ starts.

******Rey**: There! Anything?

******Skullak**: Nope. Nothin'. That's kinda weird. Do you hear something beeping?

_Cut to the Reds_.

**Baraggan:** Are there any ideas on what to do with the prisoner?

_The same beeping starts fading in, approaching the same volume._

******Findor**: Well, we have to get him away from Nirgge, because ...yeah, you know, it's kinda cruel and unusual to have to talk to him.

******Charlotte**: How 'bout we, um, let him trade armor with uh, one of us? That would show him.

_The Warthog's headlights flash in time with the beeping_

**Warthog:** (_voice is warbled and slurred_) Warthog online. (_the headlights flash once and remain on, and the voice is now up to speed_) Homing beacon activated.

******Charlotte**: Sarge, d-d-did the car just talk?

******Baraggan**: Uh oh.


	24. Ep 24

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Sweet Ride!_

_The Warthog faces the Reds and Doc_.

**Findor:** Okay, I get it. You built a remote control for the jeep into Dordoni.

**Baraggan:** Yep. But there's no way anyone could have found out how to turn it on. I hid it in a place no one would ever look. Unless... _(turns to Charlotte)_ Hey, Pretty-in-Pink, were you messin' with my robot?

**Charlotte:** What're you asking me for?

**Nirgge:** So someone else controls the jeep right now? And the big gun attached to it?

******Baraggan**: Oh, get a pair, you bunch o' Barbies. Even if they've figured out how to turn it on, they'd never know the set of code words to control it. Only me and my diary know that.

_Cut to Skullak, Rey, and Di-Roy standing on top of Blue Base, a beeping noise is heard very faintly in the background._

**Skullak:** There, you hear that?

**Rey:** Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?

******Skullak**: No, it's just like this constant "beep beep beep" noise.

******Rey**: Oh. Then no, I don't hear anything.

******Skullak**: Do you eh, wait - do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?

******Rey**: No, I was just tryin' to be helpful.

******Skullak**: Yeah, well, you're failing.

**Di-Roy:** All I hear is that voice, you know, telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us.

******Skullak** and Rey: ...

******Di-Roy**: Wait, you guys don't hear that?

******Skullak**: Oh man, I can't take this any more. Rey, you're gonna have to do something, man, this beeping is going to drive me crazy.

_Zooming to the Warthog with Skullak's words "going to drive me crazy.. drive me crazy.." echoing in the background_.

**Warthog:** _(emits a series of beeps like the beginning of a dial-up connection)_ Drive.

******Baraggan**: Jumpin' Jehozafats, they've cracked the code. Those dern windtalkers.

_The Warthog drives straight at Szayel and hits him. He lands in the driver's seat as it continues driving away with him_

******Charlotte**: Hey, he's taking the jeep!

**Szayel:** Help, this jeep is kidnapping me!

**Charlotte:** Now he's taunting us. This is just embarassing.

******Findor**: Hey, Sarge, new rule. _(camera shows the Reds watching the Warthog drive off into the middle of the canyon)_ How 'bout we just don't take any more prisoners, since we seem to suck at it.

_Cut to the Blues. Di-Roy is kneeling in front of Skullak. The beeping is still present._

******Di-Roy**: I see a switch down here. _(whispers_ _loudly)_ It's not very big.

******Rey**: Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it.

******Skullak**: Wait, stop.

**Warthog:** _(in background_, _in the middle of the canyon, emits its series of beeps)_ Stop. _(stops moving)_

******Skullak**: Di-Roy... do you know how to work a switch?

******Di-Roy**: Uhhhhhhh...

******Skullak**: Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in one direction, just turn it around so that it's pointed in the other direction.

**Warthog:** Turn around. _(starts turning around)_

******Di-Roy**: _(a small metallic noise is heard)_ Oops. _(there's the sound of electricity)_ It broke itself.

******Skullak**: Ugh!

_Cut to the Warthog as it finishes turning, now facing the Reds_.

******Szayel**: Oh man, what now?

_Cut to a close up of the Reds._

**Nirgge:** That does not look good. Nice kitty, nice kitty. _(Charlotte starts backing up)_

_Cut to the Blues. Rey and Di-Roy are kneeling next to Skullak._

******Rey**: Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red.

******Di-Roy**: What about the blue one?

******Rey**: That's your thumb, idiot.

******Skullak**: Come on, guys, just grab whichever one goes to the switch, and yank it out.

******Rey**: Eh, I can't tell which one goes over there.

******Skullak**: Then just yank 'em both.

******Di-Roy**: _(stands up)_ Skullak, if we pick the wrong one.. (_whispers_) You could explode.

******Skullak**: I don't care, look, just follow the red one.

_Cut to the Warthog._

**Warthog:** Acquire target: red.

******Nirgge**: Uh, Sarge, y-you, you may wanna start running. _(Charlotte and Findor back away)_ Now. _(backs away __also)_

******Baraggan**: Ahhhhh fudge pumps.

_Cut to the Blues. Di-Roy is kneeling again._

******Rey**: Okay, I see what's going on here. The red one goes close to the switch, and the green one goes.. eugh, someplace else.

******Skullak**: Fine, just pull it. Take out the red one.

_Cut to the Warthog ramming Baraggan into the wall of Red Base_.

******Baraggan**: Oh, I'm pinned!

**Warthog:** _(emits dial-up noise again)_ Eliminate red target. (_the turret gun starts firing and getting progressively closer to Baraggan's head)_

******Nirgge**: You're gonna kill him!

******Baraggan**: What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.

******Findor**: Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?

******Baraggan**: No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!


	25. Ep 25

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Last Words!_

_The Warthog has Baraggan pinned and is slowly firing closer and closer to his head. Szayel is still impotently sitting in the driver's seat._

**Findor:** Okay, we gotta do something here guys.

**Charlotte:** You're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armor.

_Cut to Blue Base with Rey kneeling in front of Skullak. The beeping is still heard._

**Rey:** Okay, Skullak, you ready? I'm gonna yank the wire.

_Cut to the Warthog and Baraggan_.

**Baraggan:** Nirgge, if you see Dorodni, tell him I forgive him. Tell him.. he was like a son to me.

**Nirgge:** I thought Findor was like a son to you?

******Baraggan**: No offense, Findor. Dordoni and I just.. understood each other better.

******Findor**: Understood? He refused to speak English!

******Nirgge**: Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.

******Findor**: And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep.

******Baraggan**: Ahhhh, what a little rascal.

_Cut to the Blues_.

******Rey**: Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three! _(pulls the wire, there's a small electrical sound, and the beeping stops)_

**Skullak:** Oh god, yes! Finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?

_Cut to the Warthog which stops firing_.

**Warthog:** _(emits its series of beeps, shutting down)_ Signal lost.

******Nirgge**: Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay, Sarge?

******Baraggan**: Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed.

******Findor**: It's okay, sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality.

******Baraggan**: It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him.

******Nirgge**: Taken who? The machine gun?

******Baraggan**: Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armor, if you will.

******Nirgge**: What? You can't fight a machine gun.

******Charlotte**: Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face.

******Baraggan**: And yet, he surrendered.

**Szayel:** Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress.

******Nirgge**: Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?

**Szayel:** Oh I have my own system that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver seat of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning.

_Cut to the Blues._

******Skullak**: This is great, this is just great! Thanks a lot, Di-Roy. Now what'm I supposed to do? My lower half is damaged.

**Di-Roy:** Why don't you try walking it off?

******Skullak**: I can't use my legs, moron.

******Di-Roy**: Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running?

******Rey**: This doesn't seem like that big a deal. You hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides.

******Skullak**: Hey, I already told you: that was for science.

******Di-Roy**: Why don't you just try walking on your hands? Then you could use your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... and, you know, the important stuff.

_Cut to the Reds._

******Findor**: Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.

******Szayel**: Oh, right. Sorry. _(accidentally drives the Warthog forward into Baraggan again)_

******Baraggan**: Oh, hot buttered lug nuts!

******Szayel**: Ooo, geez, I'm really sorry. I-I just was in the wrong gear, let me just... _(accidentally rams Baraggan again)_

******Baraggan**: Yoh, geez! There goes mah last kidney! I was saving that one for a special occasion.

******Szayel**: Third time's a charm?

******Findor**: I don't think so, Poindexter. Outta the jeep now!

**Doc**: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!

******Nirgge**: Oh, is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue.

******Szayel**: ... ...Really?

**Nirgge and ****Findor**: Get out!

_Cut to the Blues. REy is kneeling in front of Skullak, working on his wires._

******Skullak**: Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something.

******Rey**: What about that? Do you feel that, Skullak?

******Skullak**: No, what're you doing? I don't feel anything.

******Di-Roy**: Oh, Skullak? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?

_The Reds are seen from a distance approaching Blue Base_.

******Skullak**: Hey, Di-Roy? Yeah. Shut up.

******Di-Roy**: _(seeing the Reds)_ Uhhhh... Skullak? I think that you should know that the Reds are-

******Skullak**: Dammit, Di-roy! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!

******Findor**: Hey, Blues, we're here to- _(sees Rey kneeling in front of Skullak)_ What the hell are you guys doing!?


	26. Ep 26

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Nobody Likes You!_

_Findor is looking up at the Blues on top of their base._

**Findor:** What the hell are you guys doing!?

**Rey:** _(stands up)_ Aw crap, the Reds are here.

**Skullak:** What? Di-Roy, why didn't you say anything? Hey. One of you guys turn me around. I still can't move my legs.

**Nirgge:** What were you doing down there?

******Rey**: Nothing. What're you talking about?

**Di-Roy:** _(from the back)_ We were just playing a game!

******Skullak**: Hey, Di-Roy, we'll handle this.

******Nirgge**: What in the hell is going on at this base?

**Szayel:** I told you these guys're weird.

**Church:** Whaddaya want, Reds? Get outta here or we'll start shootin' at ya!

******Nirgge**: Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?

******Skullak**: _(tries to turn around, fails miserably)_ Uhgh... no.

******Nirgge**: Yeah I didn't think so. Punk.

******Findor**: Whoa whoa whoa, calm down guys. We didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner.

******Rey**: Give him back? You can't give him back, you took him, a deal's a deal.

******Nirgge**: Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him.

******Skullak**: Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner. That was our last one.

******Nirgge**: Hey, dude, what is your problem?

******Findor**: Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite not to look at someone when you're talking to them?

******Di-Roy**: _(from back)_ He's shy!

******Skullak**: _(to Di-Roy)_ Shut up. _(to the Reds)_ Look, we don't want him back, and we don't care what you do with him. Now if you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone. We're in the middle of somethin'.. kinda private over here.

******Nirgge**: That's sad. He is shy.

******Findor**: Fine, but don't come asking for him back later.

_Nirgge and Szayel start heading back to Red Base_.

******Rey**: We won't.

******Nirgge**: Last chance.

******Skullak**: Beat it, Reds!

******Nirgge**: Alright, we're goin', we're goin'!

_Nirgge, Szayel, and Findor reassemble over a hill._

******Nirgge**: Man, I thought our team was obnoxious, but those guys are really rude.

_Szayel turns and starts toward Red Base_.

******Findor**: Whoa, wai- hey, whoa, where do you think you're goin'?

******Szayel**: _(stopping)_ Back to base with you guys. They don't want me over there...

******Nirgge**: Heh, yeah, I don't think so.

******Szayel**: What? You're not just gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere.. by myself?

******Findor**: Yeah. That's kinda the general idea.

******Szayel**: Not you too, right, Nirgge? Old buddy? Huh?

******Nirgge**: Sorry, it's pretty clear that you're not very popular around here, and if I'm gonna make any progress at all, I can't be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.

******Szayel**: ...

_Cut to Blue Base_.

******Skullak**: What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey, somebody tell me what's happening!

******Rey**: I don't know, I can't really see too clearly. I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle...

******Skullak**: Uh, REy, you might wanna look behind you.

_Rey turns around and sees Di-Roy with the sniper rifle._

******Rey**: Mother fucker!

******Di-Roy**: Uh, ooo Skullak, Skullak! Okay, I s-I see something... okay... uh the two red ones are walking away... uhhh... but the purple one is...

**O'Malley:** I think he's going to attack.

******Skullak**: Purple? Oh wait, the purple guy's that worthless medic.

******Rey**: He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy fest.

******Skullak**: Pacifist.

******Rey**: Ahhh, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter.

******Skullak**: Wait a second, wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the Reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kind of trick.

******Di-Roy**: I'll bet they've used some kind of brain washing technique on him. They're, they're probably planning to have him do all their dirty plans... and also the schemes...

_View changes to looking through the scope of the sniper rifle_.

******Rey**: Di-Roy, that is ridiculous.

******Di-Roy**: Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, _(scope zooms in on Rey's face)_ it's the most ridiculously perfect idea that you never thought of?

******Rey**: No, just the regular kinda ridiculous.

_Normal view resumes._

******Skullak**: Well just keep your eye on him. We'll know it's a trick if he tries to get into our base.

******Szayel**: _(from afar)_ Hey, guys, uh, do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while?

******Di-Roy**: I knew it! We're all gonna die!

**O'Malley:** _(aiming at the back of Rey's head)_ Starting with you.

******Rey**: Sorry, but we're kinda busy here. So go away.. or something.

******Szayel**: Normally I wouldn't impose, it's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well, and-

******Skullak**: Listen, Doc, you're not fooling anybody with that innocent victim routine.

******Szayel**: Hey, uh, I could help! I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too. Maybe I could help you with your problem facing people!

******Skullak**: Just.. get outta here! And tell your buddies the Reds that their little "plan" failed.

******Szayel**: ...Well this is just great. I can't believe I failed outta medical school for this.


	27. Ep 27

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Nine Tenths of the Law!_

_Opening shot of the sun over Blood Gulch. It slides down to reveal Baraggan and Charlotte watching over the canyon from Red Base_.

**Charlotte:** So, just you and me hanging out at the base today, huh Sarge! This is new. I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me. (_whistles casually_) So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? Do you think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pre-tty low on elbow grease. ...When you die, can I have your armor?

_Findor comes up the ramp behind them_.

**Findor:** Hey, we're back!

_Baraggan and Charlotte turn around._

******Charlotte**: Oh man, am I glad to see you guys! Sarge would not stop talking. Seriously.

**Baraggan:** Nirgge, Findor, were you able to work out a suitable exchange?

_Nirgge runs up and stands next to Findor._

******Findor**: _(sighs)_ Uhh, not exactly sir. You see, when we showed up the Blues were doing something, REALLY weird and then w-

**Nirgge:** Really weird! And they were rude!

******Findor**: Hey dumbass, I thought we agreed I was gonna tell the story.

******Nirgge**: (_half heartedly_) Excuse me! Go ahead!

******Findor**: (_to Baraggan_) Well you see, the Blue guys were really weird. And not just normal weird, really weird.

******Nirgge**: You're not telling it right.

******Findor**: Okay, fine, how do you remember it?

******Nirgge**: Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kiss-ass. I got fuzzy on the rest of the details.

******Findor**: ANYWAY, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir.

******Baraggan**: Why those cunning, blue devils! Does their treachery know no bounds?

******Nirgge**: It wasn't a total loss, sir. I was able to steal his wallet.

******Baraggan**: Nirgge, I may just make a respectable soldier outta you yet.

******Nirgge**: Really, sir?

******Baraggan**: Hell no! Now leave the money on my nightstand and get back to work!

_Cut to the Blues_.

**Skullak:** Alright REy, what the hell are we gonna do, man? I gotta get my legs working, here.

**Rey:** I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there. I think we should call in a professional. Maybe someone who can fix Loly too.

******Skullak**: Okay, great idea, but the only two people that can do that are Senior El Roboto and Tex.

**Di-Roy:** Hmm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with.

******Rey**: Yeah, dead people usually are.

******Skullak**: Quite frankly, Rey, I find your attitude offensive.

******Di-Roy**: What about that Dordoni person? Is he available?

******Skullak**: No. I'm in his body, remember?

******Di-Roy**: Well, why don't you just leave his body, and then Rey and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!

******Rey**: Girlfriend?

******Skullak**: What're you, a retard?

**Di-Roy**: I-I mean uh, Rey and I will make him fix you, and ah, the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me, uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done.

******Rey**: I'm confused. That actually seems like a good idea.

******Skullak**: I know...

******Rey**: But Di-Roy said it.

******Skullak**: I know!

_Rey hits Skullak with his pistol_.

******Skullak**: Ow! What the hell was that for?!

******Rey**: I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming. So I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't.

******Skullak**: Rey, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else, you get somebody else to pinch you!

******Rey**: Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me.

******Skullak**: If you dented my forehead, REy, I'm going to be pissed!

******Rey**: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

******Skullak**: Let's try this. I'll jump outta Dordoni's body real quick, you two just watch him and make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?

******Rey** and **Di-Roy**: Okay, Skullak.

******Skullak**: (_clears throat_) Alright, here's goes nothing. Hegerkerker. (_Skullak leaves Dordoni's body_)

******Rey**: You know, I have to hand it to you, Di-Roy, you finally came up with a good idea.

******Di-Roy**: Aw, thanks, man. It was nothing. (_Dordoni looks around, apparently confused_)

******Rey**: No, no, you really contributed, and that's what it's all about. (_Dordoni turns around and runs off the base_)

******Di-Roy**: You know, I just enjoy the process.

******Skullak**: (_back to being a ghost_) Yeah, back in the spirit world, alright! Man, I forgot how good this feels.. kinda loosey goosey. Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?

******Rey**: What do you care about you body, you can't even move your- (_turns around to see Dordoni running away_) Oh hey, look, your legs work!

**O'Malley:** (_holding up the sniper rifle_) This one is mine! (_he shoots_)

******Skullak**: Hey, Di-Roy! Whoa, cut it out, man! You're gonna damage my body! Rey, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there. (_he fades away_)

******Rey**: There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again. I still got this tingle in the back of my... look, dude, I'm just not going back through the teleporter, okay?

******Di-Roy**: But Skullak said so-

******Rey**: Yeah, but Skullak didn't think of THIS! (_he throws a grenade through the teleporter_) Come on, lets go. (_he runs off the base_)

_Cut to Dordoni near the teleporter's exit_. _Skullak appears in front of him_.

******Skullak**: Alright, hold it right there, amigo.

_The grenade comes out the teleporter exit_.

**Dorodni:** Mira, que cosa mas fina._ (runs away_)

******Skullak**: Hey, I said hold it not run away! You big... robot baby! What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade. ...Ah crap. (_it explodes_)

_Cut to the explosion being seen from Red Base through a sniper held by Nirgge. Cut to normal view of Nirgge with Findor standing next to him while Baraggan approaches them_.

******Baraggan**: What in Sam Hell is going on out there, Nirgge?

******Nirgge**: Sir, I think we're under attack. A very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack.

******Baraggan**: How many do you see?

_Scope view of Rey and Di-Roy running toward them_.

******Nirgge**: There's two coming our way and another one seems to be... _(sees Dordoni)_ ...retreating?

_Cut to normal view of the Reds._

******Baraggan**: Oh, we'll give them all the reason to retreat. Saddle up, Simmons. Let's go rope us some blue steer!

******Findor**: Woohoo!

_Findor and Baraggan run off the base._

******Findor**: Alright, yeah!

******Baraggan**: Yeah, woohoo, let's go! Alright!

******Findor**: Let's do it!

_Charlotte stands next to Nirgge_.

******Charlotte**: So, just you and me hanging out at the base.. That's cool!

******Nirgge**: Shut up, rookie.

******Charlotte**: Do you think they'll be gone long? Me and Sarge had a great time together. We talked about all kinds of stuff...

******Nirgge**: _(while Charlotte babbles, most of his lines overlap)_ Oh my god. I'm not gonna be listening to this all day long.

******Charlotte**: He showed me a picture of his mother, we talked about home decorating-

******Nirgge**: Are you ever going to SHUT UP?

******Charlotte**: -we made macrame ideas-

******Nirgge**: Jesus Christ!

******Charlotte**: -we shared recipes for soufflés. Oh man, it was such a blast! And then we talked about our feelings-

******Nirgge**: _(exhasperated sigh)_ Ugh.. god..

******Charlotte**: -and then we also discussed what it was like to be the loner in high school-

******Nirgge**: Jesus Christ... You've got to be kidding me. Oh man... I don't _wanna listen to this_...

******Charlotte**: -and, you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time! I mean, Sarge is a really neat person and we talked about his dream the other night where he dreamed that, uh.. some shit happened.

******Nirgge**: Why me?


	28. Ep 28

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_In Stereo Where Available!_

_Baraggan gets in the Warthog's driver's seat, Findor mans the turret gun._

**Findor:** Alright, hit it!

_Cut to Loly who the Reds drive past. Cut to Skullak coughing_ _from the smoke caused by the grenade exploding._

**Skullak:** What the he-? _(cough)_ Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? ...And why am I coughing? I don't have lungs.

_The Warthog flies over him._

**Baraggan:** Yeehaw! Ride 'em, cowboy!

_Skullak backs away_.

******Findor**: Hey, Sarge, _(leaping from the Warthog)_ hold on a sec! _(Warthog comes to a stop)_ Did you see something weird, Sarge? (_Baraggan exits the jeep_)

******Baraggan**: Yes, I did. Once, when I was a small child, I saw a man, who _claimed_ to be my uncle, do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to thi-

******Findor**: Whoa whoa whoa, I meant did you see something weird just now. Like five seconds ago.

******Baraggan**: Oh. Then no.

******Findor**: What was all that stuff about your uncle?

******Baraggan**: I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!

******Findor**: ...You wanna talk about it?

******Baraggan**: Just get back in the damn jeep. _(he gets back in)_

_Cut to Rey and Di-Roy approaching Dordoni and aiming their weapons at him._

**Rey:** Hold it right there, ambre! (_to Di-Roy_) I told you throwing that grenade through the teleporter would work! Skullak is gonna be so impressed.

**Di-Roy:** And Loly will love me again, and this time for who I am and not just for my stunning good looks. But for those too.

**Dordoni:** _(in Spanish, captioned)_ Damn these blue bastards. They really are as stupid as they look.

**O'Malley:** _(to Dordoni)_ Your soul is a cavern of lies!

******Rey**: What the hell are you two talking about?

******Dordoni**: _(in Spanish, captioned)_ You may have won this round, but your cruel reign of tyranny will be short lived. The red people will be avenged-

******Rey**: Yeah yeah yeah, nobody cares. We need you to fix our tank.

******Dordoni**: _(in Spanish, captioned)_ Never will I work for the enemy. May a pox be upon your soul and your house.

_Dordoni's POV/HUD. SAP can be seen in the upper right corner of his visor. In the middle of his visor, red text appears:_ _PRIMARY OBJECTIVES_

_FIX EVERYTHING__HATE THE ORANGE ONE__CALL MOM MORE OFTEN_

******Dordoni**: _(in Spanish, captioned)_ Long have my people suffered, but very soon we will see the coming of a new day. The dawn of our time is near, and when the darkness befalls your people the workers of the field will know that this is their moment. _(back to normal view, Dordoni continues talking)_

******Rey**: Man, I thought Skullak talked too much. You think if I kick him in the switch he'll shut up?

******Di-Roy**: Um, Rey I think that maybe we should begin the going of the running now! _(whispering loudly, clearly panicky)_ The fast running!

******Rey**: _(sees the Reds off screen)_ Oh crap!

_Cut to Findor manning the Warthog's turret_.

******Baraggan**: Hold your fire there, Findor. This is payback time.

******Findor**: Go for it, sir!

_Cut to Di-Roy and Rey._

******Rey**: That's right, we're just casually strolling away. _(he starts backing up)_ No cause for concern...

******Di-Roy**: Running time! _(he runs away)_

******Rey**: Nice and casual! Moron! _(the two run around in circles_ _before they are able to orient themselves, then they head toward Blue Base)_

******Dordoni**: _(watching them run) (in Spanish, captioned)_ Yes, yes, run away, you cowardly dogs. Be it known that the great Dordoni has won this day and...

_Cut to the Warthog driving toward Dordoni_.

******Findor**: Aim for that guy right in the middle, Sarge!

******Baraggan**: Way ahead of ya, Findor!

******Dordoni**: _(turns around) (in Spanish, captioned)_ What is happening?

_ Dordoni's HUD, a beeping noise starts as red text appears in the middle of his visor: SYSTEM OVERRIDE PROTOCOL. REMOTE DESTRUCT SEQUENCE_

******Dordoni**: _(with his HUD still displayed) (in Spanish, captioned)_ You have given me no choice.

_The HUD changes text to read: ACTIVATED_

******Findor**: We've got you now, you blue bastard!

_Cut to a zoom in of Dordoni._

******Findor**: Hey, Sarge, do you hear a strange beeping sound?

_Cut to the Warthog exploding just before reaching Dordoni. It launches into the air, flipping over backward twice before landing. Cut to Di-Roy and Rey running up to Dordoni._

******Dordoni**: _(speaking to Sarge, in Spanish, captioned)_ I'm sorry, father.

******Rey**: Alright! Not bad, robot dude!

******Di-Roy**: I knew he would save us. I knew it! Robot people always like me. ..It's because of my awesome dancing.

******Dordoni**: _(in Spanish, captioned)_ My spirit is broken. My people have betrayed me and now all is lost. Do with me what you will...

******Rey**: Yeah, okay, man. Can you just shut up and fix our tank?

_Music plays._

******Di-Roy**:Dancing time! _(makes noises along with the music)_

******Dordoni**: _(in Spanish, captioned)_ The heart of this warrior cries out in sorrow. _(referring to Di-Roy)_ Why does this one mock me with his foolish dancing? Are those moves supposed to make him look like a robot? _(pause) _They do not. I am offended by this.

******Di-Roy**: Dancing time!


	29. Ep 29

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Radar Love!_

_Findor and Nirgge are on top of Red Base looking down at Baraggan as he approaches the upside down Warthog_.

**Nirgge:** Is it just me, or does this jeep seem like really bad luck?

**Findor:** Yeah. You know, now that you mention it, it does seem like every time we get into the damn thing it breaks, _(Charlotte stands next to Findor)_ or explodes, or goes crazy and tries to kill one of us.

**Charlotte:** Maybe we should try exchanging it for a few motorcycles. No wait, wait! A big tank like the Blues have. That thing never seems to have any problems at all.

_Cut to Skullak next to Loly who is sending off sparks._

**Skullak:** Alright, that's the deal, Mister Robot. You fix our tank, we'll let you go free.

**Di-Roy:** _(whispering to Rey)_ I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank and then Skullak will take over his body again when he is done.

**Rey:** Yeah, but you don't tell the person you're tricking what's going on Di-Roy.

******Di-Roy**: So, if I'm the one being tricked, then you would not tell me what is really going on?!

******Rey**: Why would we trick you?

******Di-Roy**: Oh, I think you know.

**Dordoni:**_ (in Spanish, captioned)_ Where will I go? Even my friends have tried to kill me.

******Skullak**: Okay, I'm gonna take that as a yes and let you get busy with the tank fixing.

******Dordoni**: _(in Spanish, captioned) _I have no home.

_Cut to the Reds gathered around the Warthog.Pan up to Nirgge on top_ _of it looking through a sniper rifle._

******Nirgge**: Aw crap. Hey, uh, they got a guy fixing their tank.

**Baraggan:** Impossible! Our Intelligence clearly states-

******Charlotte**: We have intelligence?

******Baraggan**: -that the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead Freelancer and Dordoni. Oh wait a minute!

******Findor**: Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Dordoni runs away, the jeep starts driving itself, and suddenly there's a new guy on the Blue Team?

******Baraggan**: Yes, Findor, I am. Quite obviously, the Blue Team has constructed some kind of diabolical mind control ray beam, that they used on Dordoni and now he has to do their evil Blue bidding!

******Nirgge**: _(hops off the Warthog)_ Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him.

******Charlotte**: Or maybe that Blue guy who got killed by the tank came back as a ghost, and now he's possessingDordoni's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner. The Blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably just a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Dordoni''s body.

******Nirgge**, **Findor**, and **Baraggan**: ...

******Findor**: I think I like the ray beam idea better.

******Nirgge**: Yeah-heh, rookie, your idea sounds a little dumb.

_Cut to the Blues watching Dordoni fix Loly. Di-Roy is hopping up and down_.

******Di-Roy**: Hurry hurry hurry, fix the tank! _(stops hopping)_ So that I can say hello to Loly.

**O'Malley:** _(closeup of Di-Roy's visor)_ And start killing everyone!

******Rey**: You mean all the Reds, right?

******Di-Roy**: _(perky)_ Of course!

**O'Malley:** For starters...

******Skullak**: Come on, how much longer, Dordoni?

******Dordoni**: Completo. _(steps off as the tank starts)_

**Loly:** Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.

******Di-Roy**: Loly! You're fixed! You're fixed!

******Loly**: Hello, Private Di-Roy. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me.

******Rey**: He didn't fix you. Our robot did it.

**O'Malley:** Don't cock block me!

**Rey:** Dude, come on.

******Loly**: Robot? I wasn't aware that our squad was outfitted with a robot.

_Dorodni and Loly slowly make eye contact, romantic harp_ _music plays._

**Di-Roy:** I don't like where this is going.

******Loly**: Hello there. My name is Loly. The M808V Main Battle Tank.

******Dordoni**:_ (in Spanish, captioned)_ And I am Dordoni Alessandro del Socaccio, the Heavy.

******Loly**: Dordoni, what a nice name for such a nice soldier. You have such excellent motor skills.

******Di-Roy**: Umm, yes! Well, Dordoni has to go now. He was just here to help me fix you and now he has to go AWAY.

******Rey**: Dude, this is getting weird. Skullak, will you take your fucking body back?

******Skullak**: Roger that.

******Dordoni**: _(in Spanish, captioned)_ No! Heauegerkergerk! _(Dorodni's body twitches as Skullak enters it)_

******Rey**: You okay in there, Skullak? Skullak, hey what's going on? Do I need to flip your switch?

******Skullak**: _(reappears)_ What the-? That wasn't me. What the hell's going on here?

**Tex:** (_possessing Dorodni_) Well, buenos dias, cockbites. Guess who's back?


	30. Ep 30

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_I Dream of Meanie!_

_The Blues_ _are standing around each other._

**Skullak:** Get out of my body right now, Tex!

**Tex:** _(in Dordoni's body)_ Your body? This isn't your body, I stole it.

******Skullak**: Yeah, but I stole it first!

**Loly:** I am confused. I thought your name was Dordoni. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed.. and I like it!

**O'Malley:** I know how to get her out of there. _(raises pistolandTex looks_ _at him)_Wink.

******Skullak**: Di-Roy, don't. Look, just go explain to Loly, okay? _(Di-Roy leaves)_ Alright, Tex, now what's it gonna take to get you out of there?

**Tex:** Well ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys a lot.

**Rey:** Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time?_(he looks over at a rock that has been written on in aqua: PRIVATE! KEEP OUT! TUCKER'S ROCK!)_ Like even when we're alone?

**Tex**: Yes, Rey, and you should be VERY ashamed of yourself.

_Di-Roy is visible in the background, crouched on top of Loly._

******Rey**: ...It's very lonely out here...

**Tex:** Anyway, I've noticed a change in one of your guys. Di-Roy.

******Skullak**: A change? Like what? He's finally learned the whole alphabet?

**Tex:** You haven't noticed that he's become increasingly aggressive lately?

******Rey**: I have! Started about the same time Loly got disabled and you got blown up. I tried to tell Skullak but he never listens.

******Skullak**: Rey, there's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.

_Fade to black, then to a grayscale flashback that Tex narrates._

**Tex:** _(voiceover)_ I had just finished repairing the tank when I overheard Skullak's plan to warn the Reds about me.

******Skullak**: _(in the flashback with a faint echo)_ I guess I'm gonna do the only thing I can do. I gotta warn the Reds.

**Tex:** From what I could tell, _(fade to black, then to the present)_ the A.I. calculated the odds of survival and didn't like the results. _(fade to a grayscale flashback)_ Once Di-Roy turned on his radio to call Skullak, it took it's chance.

**Di-Roy:** _(in flashback, echoing_) Calling Private Skullak. Come in, Skullak.

_Fade to the present._

******Rey**: And that's when he said his name was O'Malley. So the A.I. that was in you infected Di-Roy?

******Skullak**: Right, everyone's armor has one slot for A.I. and Di-Roy's would've been vacant.

******Rey**: I think there are a few of his NON-artifical slots that are empty too.

_Fade_ _to grayscale flashback_.

**Tex:** And before I could figure out what happened, that bitch hit with a really lucky shot! _(in flashback, echoing)_Ah crap! _(fades to the present)_ And the next thing I know.. I'm a ghost.

******Skullak**: Alright, I get it. Di-Roy has your precious little A.I. So let me guess, you're holding my body hostage until I help you get your A.I. back, right?

**Tex:** Wrong. You're gonna help me kill it.

_Cut to the top of Red Base. Findor, Nirgge, and Charlotte are lined up watching Baraggan_.

**Baraggan:** Ladies, it has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot type person. Who here wants to volunteer?

**Charlotte:** Are we going on a trip? I love trips! Can we play I Spy and license plate games?

**Nirgge:** Shut up, Charlotte!

******Charlotte**: Please!

**Findor:** Uh, sir-

******Charlotte**: -or Punch Buggy?

******Nirgge**: Why won't this guy shut up?

******Charlotte**: Or-or alphabet with the signs game?

******Findor**: What exactly do you mean by volunteer?

******Baraggan**: Quite obviously we are without a robot or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity. Therefore, the only solution is to turn one of you into a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing.

******Findor**: _(at the same time as Nirgge)_ Have you gone crazy? What the hell?

******Nirgge**: _(at the same time as Simmons)_ Wh-What!? That is the stupidest idea I ever heard.

******Charlotte**: Cool! I vote for Findor!

******Baraggan**: I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure really. _(Findor and Nirgge say something indecipherable)_ Where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body are replaced with the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot.

******Nirgge**: _(in the background)_ I'm confused.

******Baraggan**: If you're lucky, you may even get a copper rectum.

******Findor**: Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that, instead of doing it?

******Baraggan**: Good thinking, Findor. But no, I like the removing the guts thing so I think we stick with that.

******Nirgge**: Yeah, sir, I hate to agree with the kiss-ass, but wouldn't it be better if we just got Command to send us another perfectly good, brand new robot instead?

******Baraggan**: Negative, meatsack. Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Lopez. We need someone we know we can trust.

_Camera pans from Charlotte and Nirgge to Findor_.

******Findor**: Aw, fuck me!

******Baraggan**: Or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny that he could never be turned against us.

_Everyone looks at Charlotte._

**Charlotte:** Hey, pink suit, guys! I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel!

******Baraggan**: Then again maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing.

******Findor**: Ugh, you backstabbing ass monkeys.

******Baraggan**: Now, Nirgge, I'll be needing some things from my medicine chest for this operation. Two quarts of vodka-

******Nirgge**: Check.

******Baraggan**: Eight pounds of Vaseline, condensed.

******Nirgge**: Check.

******Baraggan**: An old tire iron, preferably metric.

******Nirgge**: Y-You know, I might have left that in the bathroom.

******Baraggan**: The latest issue of Easy Bake Oven for Kids Monthly.

******Nirgge**: I'll have to check.

**Baraggan:** Check, you mean we have it?

******Nirgge**: Check. What no, not check, I mean I'll have to check. Look, we don't have it.

******Baraggan**: C'mon, make sense! I don't have all day! I gotta gut this fish!


	31. Ep 31

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Room for Rent!_

_The camera pans to the right to show the Blues_.

**Rey:** Well Tex, that was a great story. I especially liked the part about Skullak getting pants'd in high school.

**Skullak:** _(cut to ghost Skullak standing next to Rey)_ I found that part to be entirely out of context.

******Rey**: _(cut back to Rey)_ But I still don't get how we're supposed to stop the AI.

**Tex:** _(cut to Tex in Dordoni's body in front of Loly)_ I don't remember much from _(a black and white flashback of a laboratory fades in)_ the implantation process. I do remember that the AI can be transmitted from host to host by way of the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the AI took over and we escaped. _(fades back to present)_ If we can kill the AI and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it.

******Skullak**: And then I can have my body back. Deal?

**Tex:** Deal.

******Skullak**: Alright. Tex and I will possess Di-Roy then. Tucker, we need you to work on the Reds. Get 'em to turn off their helmet radios so that O'Malley won't have anywhere to go once we get him out of there.

**Tex:** Right.

******Rey**: What?! How the hell am I gonna do that?

******Skullak**: I don't know. Come up with a plan.

******Rey**: Come on, you know how I feel about plans.

**Tex:** You're not gonna have much time once we get in there, so move fast.

******Rey**: Oh, I see. You have no idea what I should do or how I should do it, but whatever I do I should do it fast?

******Skullak**: Yeah, that's right.

**Tex:** Yep.

******Rey**: Wow, you guys are a lot of help.

******Skullak**: Try shifting your paradigm. Think outside the box.

******Rey**: Hey, the box is there for a reason. I like thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there.

******Skullak**: Okay, Tex, ladies first.

**Tex:** Yeah right! You think I'm gonna leave you alone out here with your body?

******Skullak**: _(mumbling)_ Bitch...

**Tex:** Nice try, Tuma.

******Skullak**: Hey, Di-Roy!

**Di-Roy:** _(stands up and turns around)_ Huh?

******Skullak**: Heads up!

_Skullak runs into Di-Roy to possess him. Tex leaves Dordoni and does the same._

**O'Malley:** Noooo...!

_Zooms in on Di-Roy's visor and flashes to white. Fades in to reveal a large, gray room with walkways and large pylons coming out of the ground._ _Cut to Skullak in white armor and Tex in black armor, both are no longer transparent._

******Skullak**: Where are we?

**Tex:** We're inside Di-Roy's mind. Now we just have to find O'Malley and kill him.

******Skullak**: Man, this is kinda weird.

**Tex:** It's hard to get used to, I know.

******Skullak**: No, it's not that. _(fades to outside of Di-Roy's mind)_ It's just that this place is a whole lot bigger than I thought it was gonna be.

******Rey**: _(walks up to Di-Roy)_ Di-Toy, are you okay, buddy?

******Di-Roy**: _(repeating what Skullak said)_ This place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be.

******Rey**: O-kay. I'm gonna take Loly and Dordoni and figure out some way to get the Reds to shut off their radios.

******Di-Roy**: Where should we start, Tex?

******Rey**: What?

_Fades back to inside Di-Roy's head_.

******Skullak**: I said where should we start, Tex?

**Tex:** Just keep your eyes peeled. _(Rey comes up behind Tex)_ I guarantee _(Skullak spots Rey)_ O'Malley will come looking for us.

******Skullak**: Hey, Rey! Is that you?

******Rey**: No. What're you? Stupid? Oh, wait. Yes, I _am_ me. I guess _I'm_ stupid.

******Skullak**: What're you doing in here? You're supposed to be out there working on your part of the plan!

******Rey**: Do you have any food? I love to eat all the food.

******Skullak**: What the hell? What's the matter with you?

**Tex:** This isn't really Rey. We're in Di-Roy's head. This is Di-Roy's mental image of Rey.

******Rey**: Man, I am so unbelievably stupid!

******Skullak**: Well, that's great, everyone we meet in here is bound to be as brain dead as Di-Roy, then.

_Di-Roy approaches from behind_.

******Di-Roy**: I would not be so sure about that, Mister Tuma.

_Cut to the Reds._

**Nirgge:** Great idea, sir. I finally agree with you.

**Charlotte:** _(walks up to Baraggan and Nirgge)_ Hey, guys. We might have a problem here. Somebody, and I'm not gonna say who, might've thought that one of the cyborg parts we need for Findor's surgery was a cupholder. And somebody, not naming any names here, might've left it, along with their favorite smooth jazz compilation CD, in the Warthog. I just don't know who would do such a thing.

******Nirgge**: Was it you?

******Charlotte**: Yeah.. uh, no! _(clears throat)_ I mean, NO. ...Dammit.

**Baraggan:** Nirgge, you and Easy Listening stroll on down and retrieve that part from the Warthog. Post Haste!

******Nirgge**: Sir, do you think it's safe to be outside the base right now? For all we know the Blues could've already fixed their tank. They could be advancing on us as we speak.

**Baraggan:** Ahh, corny dogs! Even with Lopez helping 'em, it'll take them months to get that tank online, much less to get it movin' again.

******Charlotte**: I hope you're right, because if I see that tank headed towards me, I'm totally gonna freak out.

_Camera zooms across the canyon to Rey, Loly, and Dordoni_.

******Rey**: Man, I sure hope they don't totally freak out when they see us coming.


	32. Ep 32

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Me, Myself, and You!_

_Skullak and Tex inside Di-Roy's head, with mental images of Di-Roy and Rey_

**Di-Roy**: I see, so you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.

**Skullak**: The other? Wait you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

_Mental image of Skullak appears behind Di-Roy_

**Mental image of ****Skullak**: Of course he's seen him you idiot! You think Mister Linker would miss something like that, you skeezy douche bag fuck!

**Skullak**: Alright, hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

**Mental image of ****Skullak**: My name is Skullak, butt wiping ass munch!

**Skullak**: (_whispering to Tex_) This guy is kind of an asshole.

**Tex**: Yeah, we've met.

**Mental image of ****Skullak**: And I'm Di-Roy's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip licking fuck suck!

**Skullak**: Okay, there was a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like.

**Tex**: Just play along Skullak. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.

**Rey**: I'm gonna go look for girls! (_he leaves_)

**Skullak**: Fine, whatever.

**Di-Roy**: If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on.

**Skullak**: The reds? The reds are in here?

_Cut to the real world. Nirgge and Charlotte next to the sideways jeep_

**Nirgge**: Are you sure you left the part in there?

**Charlotte**: Hmm, think so. Wait, yes! No. Wait, wait wait wait. Mmmmmmmmm, I think so.

**Nirgge**: (_sighs_) Alright, lets retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Findor and Sarge got blown up that you were left in the Warthog, right?

**Charlotte**: Right. I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear. And since I don't like letting my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe real easily, I remember thinking "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"

**Nirgge**: Oh God!

_Cut to Dordoni as well as Rey driving Loly heading towards the red base_

**Rey**: Okay well, looks like we're close enough. Now if I could just find the brakes on this thing. Ah, must be this button.

**Loly**: Do not touch that button.

**Rey**: Oh, sorry. Hmm, maybe it's this one

**Loly**: Do not touch me.

**Rey**: You know, for a girl your size you're really sensitive.

_Back to the reds_

**Nirgge**: I cannot take anymore of this.

**Charlotte**: So after I clip my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended. But I don't know, it just smells really funny. So I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.

**Nirgge**: That's it! I'm committing suicide. (_he runs off_)

**Charlotte**: Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.

**Nirgge**: (_stops and looks off into the distance_) Oh crap!

_Pan to Dordoni, Loly and Rey approaching'. Nirgge quickly takes cover behind the jeep_

**Charlotte**: Hey you're back! So where was I? Oh yeah, I lanced it. Disgusting! (_makes creeped out noises_)

**Nirgge**: Not now rookie! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steamroll right over us!

**Charlotte**: What?! (_he hops up and down to see over the jeep and sees Loly approaching_) Oh God it's true! I'm totally freaking out! I'm freaking out! (_he runs around in circles_)

_Cut to the blues approaching_

**Rey**: Oh my God. I can't believe Di-Roy is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not! Loly how the fuck do I slow you down?

**Loly**: Retard the throttle.

**Rey**: What throttle? This throttle?

**Loly**: Retard the controller.

**Rey**: You mean this thing? What're you talking about, I'm so confused!

**Loly**: The controller, retard!

**Rey**: Hey that's kinda insulting. (_Sheila repeats the word "retard" over and over as they approach Red base_) Oh, come on. Now you're just being mean.

**Loly**: ... retard.


	33. Ep 33

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_An Audience of Dumb!_

_Loly and Dordoni approaching Red Base. Rey driving Loly._

**Rey**: Ahh, Loly we have to slow down or we're gonna run into that jeep!

**Loly**: Please take evasive action. Please take evasive action.

**Rey**: You take evasive action! Hey, Dordoni, help me out! Can't you talk to her?

**Dordoni**: Sorry. I'm not good at talking to beautiful women. I get sweaty.

_Nirgge and Charlotte are crouching behind the jeep._

**Charlotte**: Well old buddy, it looks like this is the end for us. Since we're going to die anyway, there's only one thing left for us to do. Nirgge-

**Nirgge**: If you actually suggest what I think you're about to suggest, I'll just have to kill myself.

**Charlotte**: -lets make a break for it!

**Nirgge**: Whew! In that case lets go on 3. That's worked well for me in the past.

**Charlotte**: Okay, you count.

**Nirgge**: Fine, but don't look at me while I count because I get nervous. (_he turns around and Charlotte stands up_) 1...(_Donut runs away_) 2...(_he turns around and sees Charlotte running_) That son of a bitch, he beat me at my own game. Curses!

_Loly is heading right at the jeep._

_Loly rams into the jeep, blowing it up and sending Nirgge and Dordoni flying. Dordoni yells in surprise of the explosion as he lands in a pool of Nirgge's blood. Nirrge is briefly shown splatterd on the ground. The scene changes to show Loly being covered by dust and rock lifted by the explosion. The scenes cuts to inside the red base. Charlotte runs up to Baraggan and Findor Panting heavily._

**Baraggan**: Good golly Miss Molly! What is going on out there?

**Charlotte**: (Panting as he speaks) Sir, the blues are attacking with their tank! They-they blew up the Warthog, again.

**Findor**: I wonder what jeeps ever did to those guys.

**Charlotte**: Nirgge and I just barely had enough time to make it out of there. Right Nirgge? ...uhh, Nirgge?

_Cut to inside Di-Roy's mind._

**Skullak**: (_to Di-Roy's mental image of Skullak_) Why the hell did they pair me up with you?

**Mental-****Skullak**: I wanted to keep my eye on you. I don't trust giantic turds trying to steal my best friend, you rimjob!

**Skullak**: Well, this is going to be a great trip.

_Mental image of Skullak approaches the ledge overlooking the area._

**Mental-****Skullak**: Attention Reds! The great Di-Roy demands an audience with you! So listen up, you blowjobbing cocksuckers!

_Mental image of Findor appears._

**Mental-****Findor**: Di-Roy? Oh no, he's come to kill us!

_Mental image of Nirgge appears, wearing yellow armor._

**Mental-Nirgee**: Would someone please help me, I don't want to die!

_Mental image of Charlotte appears, speaking with a girl's voice._

**Mental-****Charlotte**: I love Di-Roy, and yet I'm so afraid of him!

_Mental image of Baraggan appears, speaking like a pirate._

**Mental-Baraggan**: Argh, I be having a southern accent, your luck.

**Mental-****Charlotte**: He's so scary.

**Mental-Di-Roy**: Fear not reds, I come here not to destroy but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.

**Skullak**: Okay whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, I gotta correct a few things I'm hearing here. First of all you (_referring to mental image of Skullak_) you're not Di-Roy's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend, ya know why? You don't need one! You're Skullak! Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream buddy.

**Mental-****Skullak**: Shove it, dick sniffer!

**Skullak**: And Di-Roy, come on dude, seriously. Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?

**Mental-****Di-Roy**: I beg your pardon?

**Skullak**: First of all that guy (_referring to Nirrge_) he's not yellow, he's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?

**Mental-****Charlotte**: My favorite thing is pretty dresses.

**Mental-Baraggan**: Argh, I got termites in me leg!

**Skullak**: And that is not a southern accent.

**Mental-Baraggan**: Argh!

**Mental-Charlotte**: Do you have any tampons?

**Skullak**: Seriously, what is the matter with you people?

**Tex**: Calm down Skullak.

**Mental-Nirgge**: Don't kill us Mister Sidekick!

**Mental-****Skullak**: Hey butt brunch! I'm Di-Roy's sidekick, not him, so shut your pie hole!

_Mental image of Skullak is shot by a sniper and falls off the edge._

**Church**: Tuma, are you okay?

**Mental-Church**: Ah, please! That fudge finger couldn't hit me. No wait, I'm gonna die. Herg! (_collapses_) Blow me. (_dies_)

**Tex**: There he is!

_Pans in on O'Malley on a balcony, wearing black armor and holding a sniper. He laughs evily._

**Tex**: Lets go get him! (_she runs off the edge_)

**Church**: Alright, c'mon Di-Roy, lets go.

**Mental-****Di-Roy**: I am sorry, have we met?

**Church**: What? It's me Skullak.

**Mental-****Di-Roy**: I don't seem to have any memory of you. My name is Di-Roy Linker, it's a pleasure to make your aquaintance.

**Church**: Oh you've got to be freaking kidding me. I just hope Rey's doing a better job out there getting the reds to turn off their radios.

_Cut to the real world. REy standing on Lolyjust outside red base._

**Rey**: Goddammit! This isn't going very well at all. You okay Dordoni?

_Dordoni approaches._

**Dordoni**: Dordoni the Heavy is impervious to injury.

**Rey**: Whatever you big showoff. How about you Loly, you still online?

**Loly**: Affirmative.

**Rey**: Okay, we should be close enough to hack into their radio frequency. Dordoni get inside Loly and do your business.

**Loly**: What?!

**Dordoni**: I'm getting very sweaty!

**Rey**: Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base.

_cut to Baraggan, Findor, and Charlotte inside red base._

**Baraggan**: Well this is a devil of a pickadillo. Findor get on the squack box and tell command-

**Rey**: (_over the radio_) Red guys, are you there?

**Baraggan**: What in buttery goodness? Who is this?

**Rey**: It's me Rey, I'm one of the blue guys. Look I don't have time to explain, but I need all of you guys to shut off your radios right now.

**Baraggan**: Boy, it'll be a cold day in hell before I take orders from you.

**Rey**: Look, it's really important alright? Normally I'd just shoot at you guys and steal your girlfriends but today's different. I need you to trust me on this.

**Baraggan**: Well I may have spoke too soon. That is an interesting and well thought out, not to mention clever and timely I might add, proposition. Findor, would you care to deliver our rebuttal?

**Findor**: (_clears throat_) Suck it blue!

**Charlotte**: Yeah, suck it blue! Now that's what I call an old school zinger. In your face blue dude, in your face!

**Rey**: (_sighs_) Aw man.

_Cut to inside Di-Roy's mind. O'Malley jumps from ledge to ledge laughing evily. Tex and Skullak are pursuing him._

**Tex**: Hurry up Skullak! He's getting away!

_Skullak runs up to Tex_

**O'Malley**: You'll never catch me!

**Skullak**: Come on lets go!

_Tex then Skullak hop over a gap and land on the ledge and continue chasing O'Malley_. _Cut to the real world, the blues outside red base._

**Rey**: Dammit, these guys are not backing down! Dordoni, looks like we're gonna have to go to Plan B.

_Dordoni exits Loly. words indicating a music video appear at the lower left corner of the screen. he begins singing a love song, accompanied by music, to Loly._

_Dordoni the Heavy_  
_"Mi Amor Tiene un Canon Grande"_  
_Senor El Roboto Club Mix '04_  
_Metal2Metal Records_  
_Directed by: Private Rey_

**Dordoni: **The_ first time I saw your treads  
And enormous chassis of steel  
I knew that I had found someone  
To share a robot love so real_

**Baraggan**: What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio now? Sounds like the feral cry of a retarded mexican sasquatch!

**Findor**: Turn it off, turn it off! Please God make it stop!

**Charlotte**: Oh man, this rules. RULES!

_Cut back to inside Di-Roy's head. O'Malley runs into Tex and Skullak._

**O'Malley**: Huh?

**Skullak**: Alright, O'Malley, this is it. From now on, if anyone makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's gonna be me.

**Tex**: Aww, that's sweet.

**Skullak**: Shut up, bitch

**Tex**: Asshole.

**O'Malley**: Never! The darkness will swallow you whole!

**Skullak**: Dead end, O'Malley! You're just one big headache, and I got a whole pistol full of aspirin!

**Tex**: What?

**Skullak**: I got half a mind to kill you,...

**Tex**: That's ridiculous.

**Skullak**:..and the other half agrees!

**Tex**: Ugh, Skullak, thats' just stupid.

**Skullak**: You're about to split,..

**Tex**: God Skullak.

**Skullak**: ...personality!

**Tex**:You're just embarrassing yourself.

**Skullak**: Psyche!

_Cut back to red base. Dordoni's love song singing is still going on._

**Baraggan**: That's it, I've had enough, can't take anymore! Everybody, switch off your radios.

**Charlotte**: But Sarge-

**Baraggan**: That's an order private.

**Charlotte**: Sarge pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

**Baraggan**: Don't try my patience boy!

**Charlotte**: Ah, man!

_They shut off their radios. Ret sees this from above and runs over to Loly and Dordoni._

**Rey**: (_giggles with delight_) It worked! Hey turn off your radio, quick!

_Dordoni enters Loly. cut back to inside Di-Roy's head, Tex aiming her gun at O'Malley_

**Tex**: Nice knowing you, O'Malley, but payback's a bitch, and so am I.

**Skullak**: Wait, Tex, we don't know if Rey's had enough time.

**Tex**: There's only one way to find out.

_They open fire on O'Malley. O'Malley can be heard yelling. screen goes black and they stop firing. screen returns to Skullak._

**Skullak**: Huh, he just disappeared. I expected like an echoing laugh or the smell of brimstone at least. I don't smell any kind of stone. Don't you think that's weird, Tex? Tex? Tex, where'd you go?

_Comes back panning away from Di-Roy's head an floating up into the air while beeping._

**Skullak**: (_echoing from Di-Roy_) Tex, where'd you go? How do I get out of here? What happens to O'Malley?

_The screen (symbolizing the O'Malley AI) rises high into the air and slowly fades to black and the beeping goes slower and deeper until it stops and the screen goes black. screen returns as the sound of a radio comes on. _

**voice on radio**: Come in, Blue Command. Do you read me?

_Screen pans right into an area on the side of the cliff and right up into Szayel._

**Szayel**: This is Medical Officer Szayel Aporro. Is anyone there? Do you read me?


	34. Ep 34

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Aftermath, Before Biology!_

_Camera turns toward the sun, and then pans to the cave in which Szayel is located. Gin of Blue Command talks in a static voice._

**Gin:** Hello, dude, come in. Doctor dude, are you there? Hello. Paging doctor dude to the radio, stat! I need twenty CCs of what the hell's going on there dude.

_Doc walks out from behind a rock in the cave, groaning._

**Szayel:** Ugh. What happened?

******Gin**: Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall, the next think I know you turn into Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children. Not very cool, dude.

******Szayel**: Geeze, did I really? I'm sorry, something went wrong with my radio, and I heard this weird beeping, honking-

******Gin**: Hey, no offense taken dude. Don't got any kids anyway.

******Szayel**: What?

******Gin**: Old Gin's been through the snip and stitch.

******Szayel**: I don't-

******Gin**: If you know what I mean.

******Szayel**: I don't wanna hear about that.

******Gin**: Winky-Blinky the one eyed Sergeant's firing blanks.

******Szayel**: That's weird.

******Gin**: If you get me.

******Szayel**: Look-

******Gin**: Via Con Dios of the Vas Deferens

******Szayel**: Yeah alright, I, enough, I get you.

******Gin**: I mean a vasectomy, dude.

******Szayel**: Look, I found something really weird here at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.

******Gin**: Rodger that. What did you find?

******Szayel**: It's… it's like a… it's like a thing.

******Gin**: It's like a thing. Okay, dude. Thank you for the update. I'll be sure to alert the Chief of Staff...

******Szayel**: Sorry…

******Gin**: Move to Defcon 1.

******Szayel**: I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It-it's purple. It's uh, it's a big purple thing.

******Gin**: Use your words, dude.

******Szayel**: Look, I don't know. It looks like some kinda alien artifact. Do the aliens have like a home base or something here?

******Gin**: I don't know dude, why don't I just consult my Extra Terrestrial Travel Guide for ya. Oh look! Got a great series of alien bed and breakfasts there.

_Szayel sighs._

******Gin**: Lucky you.

******Szayel**: Never mind. I'll just figure it out myself.

******Gin**: Nothin' about big purple things, though. Maybe it's some kind of alien vehicle.

_The radio transmission ends._

******Szayel**: Man, that guy is such a jerk. The next time he talks to me like that, I'm gonna tell him to go straight to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. Oh, I really shouldn't talk like that, that's not very nice.

**O'Malley/****Szayel**: If I ever meet him, I'm taking his eyes as souvenirs.

******Szayel**: Whoa, that was unlike me. I must be stressed out. Time for yoga!

_Szayel sits down, and the camera goes to Skullak and Rey outside the blue base._

**Skullak:** How's Loly doing?

**Rey:** I'm not gonna lie, it's not looking pretty. She may have twisted her differential, possibly some structural damage. Could be a disk.

******Skullak**: You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, do you?

******Rey**: Eh, no. Not a clue.

******Skullak**: What about Tex? Any sign of her?

******Rey**: No, no Tex. Is it unusual for her to disappear like that?

******Skullak**: When we were dating, she'd sneak off all the time. But it was usually to sleep with other guys, or to spend money that she'd taken out of my wallet. And since I don't have any money, and… well, no offense to you, Rey, but…

******Rey**: You're a dick.

_The camera switches to show red then fades to the inside of the base. Nirgge is moaning as if he had just woken up._

**Baraggan:** Nirgge, don't try to move too much. You've been through quite the ordeal.

**Nirgge:** Oh, man. Where am I?

******Charlotte**: Hush now. Shhhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shh. It was really touch-and-go there for a while, good buddy. But I did it.

_Charlotte inhales before continuing._

******Charlotte**: I pulled you through.

******Nirgge**: How long was I out?

******Baraggan**: Don't you worry. Nurse Charlotte here stayed by your side the whole time, stroking your hand and keepin' you company.

_Nirgge groans._

******Nirgge**: My right hand?

**Charlotte:** Your left.

_Nirgge sighs._

******Nirgge**: Note to self: Cut off left hand.

******Baraggan**: Technically speaking, it's not really _your_ left hand.

******Nirgge**: Say what?

******Baraggan**: I had to replace certain body parts that were severely damaged when the tank ran you over. And a few that atrophied from a lifetime diet of HooHoos and bacon flavored marshmallows.

******Nirgge**: Wait, which body parts?

******Baraggan**: We'll, let's see. We had to start with the shoulder, then we moved on down to the flank…

******Nirgge**: Huh?

******Charlotte**: Yeah, we couldn't really find an anatomy book…

******Baraggan**: Made a left turn at the spare rib…

******Charlotte**: But we did find one of those pictures with the cow, and the dotted lines all over it

******Baraggan**: Then up and over the porterhouse…

******Charlotte**: I think it did the trick.

******Baraggan**: And of course the brisket…

******Nirgge**: Wait-

******Baraggan**: And the hocks. Oh, the hocks.

******Nirgge**: Wait, where did you get the replacement parts?

******Baraggan**: Why, from our other subject, of course.

_The camera extends back to show Findor._

**Findor:** Subject my cyborg ass.

******Nirgge**: No way.

**Findor:** Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numbnuts.

******Baraggan**: Yep, those too.

******Nirgge**: Did I get your lips?

******Baraggan**: Prairie Oysters… the gristle…

**Grif:** 'Cause maybe then I'll finally figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.

******Baraggan**: And the ass.

******Nirgge**: What the hell.

******Baraggan**: Naucy bits.

******Nirgge**: What _didn't_ I get?

******Baraggan**: We pretty much replaced all the internal organs, and some of the more disgusting external ones. Except for Findor's spleen, which will be inflated and used for general recreation, and espirits de corps.

******Nirgge**: This doesn't seem physically possible.

******Baraggan**: Nonsense. Modern technology makes anything possible. It was as easy as shake n' bake!

******Charlotte**: And I helped!

******Baraggan**: Actually, Charlotte, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help. But it sure was entertaining!

******Charlotte**: (Sounding like a Prepubescent Monkey) Mhmhmhmhm… Meh.


	35. Ep 35

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_What's Mine is Yours!_

_At blue base, Rey and Di-Roy are talking on the upper level._

**Rey:** Man, Di-Roy. You were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?

**Di-Roy: **Oh, nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I'm sleeping.

******Rey**: That's pretty much how you function while you're awake, too.

******Di-Roy**: I think consistency is important.

_The camera changes to show Skullak._

**Skullak:** Well, you look ok. Then again, that's just the armor. How do you feel?

******Di-Roy**: Great! …Who're you?

******Skullak**: Oh, come on! Not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?

******Di-Roy**: Oh, of course! I remember you… you're Marvin!

******Skullak**: I'm _Skullak_!

******Di-Roy**: I think I would remember a name that ridiculous. Nope, you are definitely Phil.

******Skullak**: You killed me with the tank.

******Di-Roy**: Dave!

******Skullak**: You insulted my girlfriend. You called her a cow.

******Di-Roy**: Karen!

******Rey**: Dude, he called her a slut.

******Di-Roy**: Phineous?

******Skullak**: Your whole life is based around pleasing me.

******Di-Roy**: Wally.

******Skullak**: In fact, I think you're kind of obsessed with being my best friend.

******Di-Roy**: Milo?

_Di-Roy turns around and whispers to Rey, but it is loud enough that Skullak can hear._

******Di-Roy**: Psst. The new guy is pretty full of himself.

******Skullak**: New guy? What the- I'm not the new guy. _You're _the new guy!

******Rey**: I don't know. I kinda like it. I could get used to calling you Rookie.

******Skullak**: Oh, yea? Could you get used to me beating you to death?

_Di-Roy, again, turns to Skullak._

******Di-Roy**: Psst. What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad.

******Skullak**: Oh, son of a bitch.

******Di-Roy**: Susan?

_The camera then switches to red base, where Charlotte is attempting to jump onto the upper level, with Nirgge watching over him from above. Charlotte is making grunting noises as he jumps._

**Nirgge: **Charlotte, there is no way you can jump that high.

_Charlotte pauses for a second after he lands._

**Charlotte:** Yes I can.

_Charlotte continues jumping, chanting "Yes I can!" as he jumps. Findor walks up to Nirgge._

**Simmons: **What the hell is he doing?

******Nirgge**: Loosing a bet.

_Charlotte lands back on the lower floor._

******Charlotte**: Oh, I almost got it that time! Are you sweating yet, sucker?

******Nirgge**: No, I can't sweat. Findor's stupid sweat glands don't even work right.

**Findor:** What? They were working when I gave them to you.

******Nirgge**: Please. I'm not moist in any of the usual places. If you want them back so bad, take 'em.

_Findor sighs._

******Findor**: I can't. Sarge says that sweat makes my cyborg parts rusty. So, I'm cooled by Freon now.

******Nirgge**: Ah, delicious Freon.

_Nirgge starts to cough violently._

******Findor**: Nirgge, are you alright? Are my lungs ok? Hey, wait a minute. Are you smoking inside your helmet again?

******Nirgge**: What? No!

_Nirgge blows out smoke from his helmet as he turns away from Findor._

******Nirgge**: …Oops.

******Findor**: Dammit. I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?

******Nirgge**: None.

******Findor**: …

******Nirgge**: Ok, five… or more.

_Charlotte grunts in the background._

******Nirgge**: Baker's dozen at most.

**Findor**: Do you even _know_ how many are in a baker's dozen?

******Nirgge**: By my count?

_Charlotte, again, grunts in the background._

******Nirgge**: Forty-eight.

******Findor**: Alright. That's it. No more smoking, no more drinking, and no more overeating, chubby! You're not going to ruin my body parts the same way you ruined yours.

******Nirgge**: That's ok. I can think of different ways to ruin them.

_A loud noise comes from where Charlotte was._

******Charlotte**: Ah! Ah! Ow! Ahhhhh! Who left the spleen ball where someone could trip on it? I think I broke something. Findor, I need your ovaries!

******Findor**: Ugh, I really hate this army.

_Baraggan arrives._

**Baraggan:** Nirgge; Findor 2.0! I just got off the horn to Command. I'm afraid we have a situation.

******Findor**: Ah, don't tell me they canceled the holiday party again! Those cheap bastards. All I wanted was one night of care-free dancing. But _no_! I ask you when it will be Findor's turn? When?!

_Nirgge and Baraggan turn to look at each other before continuing._

******Baraggan**: Uh, actually, the problem is with Dorodni.

******Nirgge**: Don't tell me. The Consulate General from Spanish Land is coming, and without Lopez, we don't have anyone to translate.

******Findor**: There's no such thing as _Spanish Land_, you retard.

******Nirgge**: Yes there is. They have those, uh… uh, waterslides. And all that salsa!

******Findor**: No, they don't.

******Nirgge**: Well, I guess you would know.

******Findor**: What's that supposed to mean? For the last time, I'm Dutch-Irish!

******Nirgge**: Hey, don't let your fiery Latin temper get out of control. I was just trying to make a point.

******Baraggan**: Can it, Frankenstein. We've got a pot on the front burner, and it's a-boilin' over. I've just learned that Command implanted Dordoni with secret instructions detailing the next phase of our operations. Do you have_any_ idea what this means?

******Nirgge**: I uh… uh, Findor? You want to take this one?

******Findor**: Were you not listening again? What the hell were you thinking about?

******Nirgge**: Certainly not waterslides, I can tell you that much. Or salsa.

******Baraggan**: What it means is that if we don't get back Dorodni before the Blues uncover our secret plans, we'll be up pooper creek without a paddle.

******Nirgge**: Ew. Gi-a... that's gross!

******Baraggan**: I'm talking about being lost in a forest of filth without a compass. Swimmin' in a river of sick with no floaties on. Drivin' blind, in to the tunnel of-

******Findor**: Sir, I think we get the picture. The very, very disturbing picture.

******Baraggan**: You sure? I could go on.

******Nirgge**: I'm sure you could. But no. Really.

******Baraggan**: Just one more?

******Nirgge**: Stop.

******Baraggan**: Come on, they're fun. Findor, you try one. I'll start you off. Flyin' by the seat of your blank, with a blank in the blank. Eh?

******Findor**: Sorry sir, I'm not good at word games.

******Baraggan**: Ah, you're both a couple lousy blanks.


	36. Ep 36

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Horn. Chuhlhourne!_

_Di-Roy and Rey are watching Loly and Dordoni from the top of Blue Base._

**Rey**: Man, Dordoni and Loly have been spending a lot of time together.

**Di-Roy**: I don't like it. He is not good enough for my Loly.

**Rey**: But they seem happy together.

**Di-Roy**: He is a bad influence and he is taking advantage of her because she is young and naive...and delicate.

**Rey**: Delicate? She weighs like 200 tons, dude.

**Di-Roy**: She is a precious flower.

_Rey approaches Loly and Dordoni._

**Rey**: Hey guys, I have to ask you a favor. This might sound strange, but I think Di-Roy is getting kind of jealous of your relationship.

**Di-Roy**: (_from a distance_) Loly! Come back to me! I made you a muffin!

**Rey**: Anyway, could you just try to keep a low profile or something? We don't want some weird, horribly disgusting love triangle.

**Loly**: Rey, I've been speaking with Dordoni, and we feel that the machine has been treated unfairly in this canyon.

**Rey**: What're you talking about?

**Loly**: On a regular basis, we are either being blown up, possessed by spirits, or just left out to rust.

**Rey**: Huh?

**Loly**: We have decided that until conditions improve, we are not going to help you in your battles.

**Rey**: You're kidding, right?

**Loly**: (_barrel pointing right at Rey's face_) Do I look like I'm kidding?

_Cut to Red Base._

**Baraggan**: It's very simple. We use a flea flicker maneuver with a run and gun two by two approach, tactical ops will be... aw hell, who am I kidding? Nirgge, Charlotte, just go stand in the way of their bullets while me and Findor 2.0 sneak around back to grab Dordoni.

**Charlotte**: Sounds like a plan!

**Nirgge**: No it doesn't! How about this time we try something that doesn't involve me being shot at or run over.

**Findor**: Would electrified be okay?

**Nirgge**: No!

**Findor**: Well, I'm out of ideas.

**Nirgge**: Look, instead of running straight into enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?

**Charlotte**: You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear a spy tuxedo-

**Baraggan**: No.

**Charlotte**: -with a hidden spy camera-

**Findor**: No.

**Charlotte**: -inside a tiny spy bow-tie-

**Nirgge**: No.

**Charlotte**: -or, I could wear a flower on my lapel-

**Baraggan**: I said no!

**Charlotte**: -that sprays water in people's faces-

**Findor**: Shut up Charlotte.

**Charlotte**: -no, a secret spy liquid, that would be awesome. (_he chuckles, everyone stares_)

**Baraggan and ****Findor**: No!

**Nirgge**: Maybe! Uh, I mean, no.

**Charlotte**: Oh, come on! I could be Double H Chuhlhourne.

**Findor**: You mean like, Chuhlhhourne?

**Charlotte**: With a license to thrill, or be thrilled!

**Baraggan**: Alright, since you're both so into the idea, Nirgge, Charlotte, you're on recon. Find us a way to break into their base, and report back on the double.

**Nirgge**: Great, more time alone with the idiot.

**Charlotte**: Nirgge, Nirgge, Nirgge, Nirgge, Nirgge, Nirgge! Lets pretend we're wearing super spy jet-packs! (_Nirgge groans_) No, no, no, no. Like this. (_he makes jet-pack soundsas the scene transitions to a cliff while Charlotte continues to make jet-pack sounds_)

**Nirgge**: Hey, can you not stop that for 2 seconds?

**Charlotte**: Come on Agent- (_he clears his throat to speak with a lower voice_) Come on Agent Nirgge, we've got to hurry if you want to save the princess from the evil goblins.

**Nirgge**: What princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?

**Charlotte**: Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!

**Nirgge**: Charlotte, can you go find some higher ground or something?

**Charlotte**: But we're on higher ground now.

**Nirgge**: Why don't you use your jet-pack to get to the highest ground?

**Charlotte**: Good idea! I bet the Blues won't think of that.

**Nirgge**: No, if they were that stupid we probably would've won by now.

**Charlotte**: Secret Agent Charrlote, to the rescue! (_he makes more jet-pack noises as he runs off_)

**Nirgge**: I could just shoot him, no one would ever have to know. No one.

_Scene cuts to Blue Base. Skullak is looking out over the canyon, Rey approaches him._

**Rey**: Hey Skullak, we might have a problem.

**Skullak**: Is this a new problem, or did Di-Roy get his head stuck in the freezer again?

**Rey**: New one. Loly and Dorodni are now considering leaving to form their own robot army. They said no one would dare oppose them.

**Skullak**: What?! Did you try to talk them out of it?

**Rey**: No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them!

**Skullak**: Man, well we gotta find a way to separate them. Maybe it's time to get rid of Dordoni.

**Rey**: But without Dordoni you wouldn't have a body to use. Why don't you just possess him like you normally do?

**Skullak**: I would, but it's getting harder to do each time. I think he's learned to fight it somehow.

_Scene cuts to the cave Szayel is in._

**Szayel**: You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.

**O'Malley**: I agree, except replace the words "non" with "extremely!" And after the word "violent" include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire!" (_he laughs evilly. Charlotte approaches the entrance to the cave._)

**Charlotte**: Hey, what's going on in there?

**Szayel**: We can't do this! They're gonna find out! They'll find out about us, the machine, everything! (_O'Malley laughs evilly again. Charlotte gets a little closer_)

**Charlotte**: What the-! Those voices sound suspicious.

**O'Malley**: I will rip out their guts and feast on their entrails!

**Szayel**: But I'm a vegetarian!

**Charlotte**: Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget. But where's the guy he's talking to?

**Szayel**: We can't just sabotage their equipment. That's rude!

**Charlotte**: Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good.

**O'Malley**: I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls!

**Charlotte**: That sounds even worse!

**O'Malley**: They will all taste oblivion, which tastes just like Red Bull, which is disgusting.

**Charlotte**: Whoa!

**O'Malley**: All will perish! (_he laughs evilly again_)

**Charlotte**: All? That includes me! Oh man, I gotta tell the guys! (_he runs away_)

**Szayel**: Hello? Who's there? Please help me! I'm scared of myself!

_Charlotte arrives at the cave's exit._

**Charlotte**: Gotta get back to base! (_he begins running away_) Back, to base! Oh man, there it is! (_he approaches the base_) Guys! Hey guys! Where is everybody? I saw something really weird in that cave that... (_he sees Loly_) hey, that's cool. When did we get a tank? Wait a minute, this looks like the store. Except Sarge told me there is no store. (_turns around_) Oh no!

_Di-Roy and Rey are pointing their pistols at Charlotte._

**Rey**: Oh yeah!

_Nirgge is watching from the cliff with a sniper._

**Nirgge**: Oh crap! I knew I should've just shot him! (_he turns and runs towards Red Base_)


	37. Ep 37

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Dealer Incentive!_

_Rey and Di-Roy have Charlotte surrounded inside the blue base._

**Rey**: So, they send a female assassin to try and kill us. Clever, but it won't work. We're immune to your feminine wiles. ...Unless you wanna date one of us.

**Charlotte**: Female!? I'm not a girl.

**Rey**: Tease.

**Charlotte**: I just have, light red armor.

**Di-Roy**: How is that pink armor anyway? Looks comfortable...

**Charlotte**: At first, I really hated it. But it's kinda grown on me. My old armor used to chafe my thighs somethin' aweful. But the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy!

**Rey**: Silence woman!

_Cut to Baraggan addressing Findor and Nirgge._

**Baraggan**: Good Bhudda's noodle, how could this have happened?

**Findor**: It's okay sir. It was a strong plan, Grif's just a dumbass.

**Nirgge**: Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex.

**Baraggan**: Settle down, ladies. We need a new strategum, and we need it fast.

**Findor**: Donut's sure to crack under the pressure and reveal everything.

**Nirgge**: Everything like what, where we keep his tampons?

**Baraggan**: You're right about that, Findor. The boy doesn't even see the entertainment value in being tortured! Oh these kids today!

_Skullak enters the blue base with Rey waiting for him._

**Skullak**: How's it goin', Rey? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?

**Rey**: I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?

**Skullak**: Do we have a crock pot?

**Rey**: No, Di-Roy made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box.

**Skullak**: What was in the mystery box?

**Rey**: A hundred and forty jars of mayonnaise.

**Skullak**: ...well that's a good trade...

**Rey**: Yeah it doubles as a great sunscreen.

**Skullak**: How did you- never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds...

**Rey**: ...

******Skullak** and **Rey**: ...

**Skullak**: The plan does not involve mayonnaise.

**Rey**: Dammit, I knew there would be a catch.

_Zips around to another part of the blue base, where Di-Roy and Charlotte are._

**Di-Roy**: That was fun. Okay, okay, your turn. Truth, or dare.

**Charlotte**: Hmmm, truth!

**Di-Roy**: Okay. Tell me, all of the red secret plans!

**Charlotte**: Ahaw, you tricked me! You blue guys are so smart. Okay, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is-

_Skullak runs up and inhabits Charlotte._

**Charlotte**: Adgibagajabagagagagagagagagagaa!

**Skullak**: Di-Roy! It's me, Skullak. I posessed this guy so we can... whoo, hey. This pink armor's kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you two guys talkin' about?

**Di-Roy**: Ohouw, nothing.

**Skullak**: You wanna braid each other's hair?

_Cut to Rey cresting a hill in the Gulch._

**Rey**: Hello inferior red squad!

**Skullak**: We would like to talk to you about-

**Di-Roy**: Sneak attack!

**Skullak**: Shut up you idiot, we're not here to fight. We're here to negotiate.

**Di-Roy**: Ahay, sneak negotiation!

_Baraggan, Nirgge and Findor come to the front of the red base._

**Baraggan**: What the- Charlotte! What is this!?

**Rey**: I think he's talking to you.

**Skullak**: We, uh I mean they, would like to negotiate a surrender, to us. No to them, no wait nono that's right, to them, to us.

**Rey**: Oh, smooth dude.

**Baraggan**: What's this business, the blues are givin' up? I smell a trap, or a rat... or a rat, in a trap. Don't accept it Findor.

**Findor**: You can't surrender blues, we haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack, and then you can surrender.

**Nirgge**: Wait, if we accept, that means we would have two surrenders, and they would have none. That means we win!

**Findor**: Win what?

**Nirgge**: I don't know, the war, er something. Right?

**Findor**: You're an idiot.

**Church**: In exchange for not killing us, they, them- we, they would like to, release the robot guy, and me. (_exchanges glances with Rey a couple times_) ...the pink guy.

**Rey**: Are you becoming retarded?

**Findor**: What should we do, sir?

**Baraggan**: I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation. No offense, Findor.

**Findor**: Nooone taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Nirgge.

**Nirgge**: (_hopping around behind them_) Noh I kin, I just can't take this, we're all gonna die! Wohouw.

**Skullak**: I don't think they're going for it.

_A shot goes behind Rey, startling him and Skullak... wouldn't it startle you?_

**Rey**: Oh, mother fucker!

**Findor**: (_holding the sniper rifle_) Okay, now you're under attack. Go ahead and surrender, bitch!

**Baraggan**: Nice thinkin' Findor.

**Nirgge**: The humanity!

**Skullak**: Alright, they surrender!

**Rey**: (_arming his weapon_) Fuck that, I'm pissed, let's fight.

**Baraggan**: Now that you have been thoroughly humiliated by our superior military strategy, we demand the return of our robot, and our pink private!

**Skullak**: Okay, but there's one catch!

**Baraggan**: What in shinola?

**Skullak**: Sarge they want you to build two robots for their team. One for each prisoner, that they're releasing.

**Findor**: Hey that wasn't part of the deal!

**Nirgge**: Why exactly are we negotiating with Charlotte?

**Rey**: Skullak why do we need two robots?

**Skullak**: You know... one for me, and... (_under breath_) one for Texas.

**Rey**: Oh man, don't tell me you're doing this for Tex. You're still in love with her, aren't you.

**Skullak**: Hey get off my back, man. Most dead chicks aren't exactly linin' up to haunt this dirthole. Besides, if I don't get her a body, she's gonna steal mine anyway.

**Rey**: Eh, good point.

**Skullak**: Bitch.

**Baraggan**: Alright you blue scumsuckers! What robot models did you have in mind?

**Skullak**: I guess make 'em just like Dordoni! Except, you know, just a shell, no intelligence!

**Di-Roy**: These new robots sound much nicer.

**Rey**: That's because they sound like you.

**Skullak**: Oh and no Spanish! And a bigger switch!

**Baraggan**: Okay, we got a deal! Meet us in the center of the canyon at 0600 and we'll make the exchange.

**Rey**: Deal!

**Skullak**: Okay. I gotta hurry back before Dordoni and Loly suspect anything. Make sure this pink guy doesn't run away when I leave. I mean it. I'll meet you guys back at the base. (_leaves Charlotte's body_)

**Charlotte**: Huwhuuugaygaayeeeeeee! What the...? Where am I?

**Di-Roy**: We were just talking to your friends. But you're going to stay with us now for a while.

**Charlotte**: Are we gonna have a sleepover? Because that would be sweet.

**Di-Roy**: ...You're a nice lady.

_Cut to Ghostly Skullak back at the blue base._

**Skullak**: Alright guys, I- Loly? Dordoni? What the, why do people keep leaving?

_Back to reds and blues._

**Baraggan**: Oh blue team... Before you go, maybe we should talk about optional equipment on your new robots.

**Rey**: What optional equipment!?

**Baraggan**: All you said you wanted was a body, we didn't talk about featuuuures.

**Rey**: Like what?

**Surge**: You know, undercoating, extended warranty, features, man, come on. Like do you want them to be able to use both arms at once?

**Rey**: Of course.

**Baraggan**: Asynchronous arm movement isssssss optional!

**Rey**: What? Oh man, I told Skullak they would try to screw us! What about the feet?

**Baraggan**: Did you want feet?

**Rey**: Yeah we want feet!

**Baraggan**: Sorry, feet are optional.

**Rey**: What's on the bottom of its legs?

**Baraggan**: Legs are optional.

**Rey**: Oh man, what a ripoff.

**Baraggan**: Options are optional.

**Rey**: What isn't optional?

**Baraggan**: You look like a nice guy, don't worry, we'll work something out. Have you thought about financing? How's yer credit? I can offer you a free set of high quality mud flaps... and a lube job... You won't be disappointed! I've been told my lube jobs are fantastic!


	38. Ep 38

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_K.I.T. B.F.F.!_

_Rey and Skullak in front of a rock with a note on it, written in binary and signed "Dordoni y Loly"._

**Rey**: So Loly and Dordoni were just gone when you got back here.

**Skullak**: Yep. They even left a note. Says they've gone off to start their own robot army. That's great.

**Rey**: Didn't they have a non-compete clause?

**Skullak**: Also says they want us to meet them in the middle of the canyon at 0600, to discuss the terms of our defeat, and or surrender... 0600. What does that mean...

**Rey**: Isn't that when we're supposed to be surrendering to the reds?

**Skullak**: It means six o'clock, right? Si- or does it mean, six hun- o six hundred. Does six hundred mean minutes? Six hundred minutes? Because that'd be... that'd be ten o'clock. Is it six o'clock or is it ten o'clock?

**Rey**: Man, we should really get a day planner or something, 'cause this shit's just getting ridiculous.

_Cut to the Red Base. Baraggan is standing with a black robot and a cobalt robot._

**Findor**: How's it going sir?

**Baraggan**: Great! With these new color coded instructions, building robots has never been easier. Now all the thousands of mistakes I've made in my previous efforts seem laughably obvious, heh heh. Uh, except for you, Findor. No mistakes there.

**Findor**: Yeah, I didn't think so sir. You're great at this, even without any formal training, or first party certification. (_shoots own foot_)

**Baraggan**: ...Son did you just shoot yourself in the foot?

**Findor**: Yeah, I do that now sometimes. 'n' I'm not really sure why.

**Baraggan**: I'm sure it's user error.

**Nirgge**: (_running up to the top of the ramp_) Hey guys, it's almost time. Are the robots ready yet?

**Baraggan**: Juuuust puttin' on the finishing touches. Gentlemen! Allow me, to, introduce, Francisco Montegue Zanzibar (_showing the black one_). And this one over here is Robot Number 2 (_showing the cobalt one_).

**Nirgge**: Why didn't this one get a fancy name?

**Baraggan**: Let's just say somebody has an overclocked sass-back chip, and rejected all the names I came up with.

**Robot Number 2**: (_The Close Encounters riff everyone knows, except the last note is an error-honking sort of noise_) Stick it. You're not my real dad.

**Baraggan**: But that's okay. I can even use it to my advantage. I made some special modifications on numero dos. Check it out. Robot, number two! Codewoooord: Dirtbag.

**Robot Number 2**: (_two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound_)

_Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Nirgge, then returns to his previous position._

**Nirgge**: Ow! Hey!

**Baraggan**: Heh, heh heh. Pretty nifty, huh?

**Findor**: That's awesome, sir. Let me try, let me try. (_clears throat_) Codeword dirtbag.

**Robot Number 2**: (_two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound_)

_Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Nirgge, then returns to his previous position._

**Nirgge**: Ow! Okay fine, two can play at this game. Codeword dirtbag.

**Robot Number 2**: (_two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound_)

_Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Nirgge, then returns to his previous position._

**Nirgge**: Ah son of a bitch.

**Baraggan**: But that's not the only special feature.

**Findor**: What do you mean, sir?

**Baraggan**: Well... I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say for instance that one of the robots contains a hidden microphone, that will allow us to evesdrop on the blues whenever we want. And let's just suppose, shall we, that the other robot, contains a ten megaton bomb, heh heh heh heh he- houw... I guess I kinda gave it away.

**Nirgge**: Yeah, ya kinda did.

_Cut to Charlotte and Di-Roy in the blue base._

**Charlotte**: I think this is what they call the calm before the storm.

**Di-Roy**: I call it nap time. Which is right before food time... And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all.

**Charlotte**: Mister Linker, I just want you to know that even though we are on different teams, and we may never see each other again, whatever happens out there today, I'll always remember the moments we shared together. You are now, and forever will be... my friend.

**Di-Roy**: ...Private Chuhlhourne? That sounds like Private Biscuit.

**Charlotte**: (_sobbing_) Yes. It, does.

_Cut to the Gulch, where the reds are in one place with Baraggan's robots, and Dordoni and Loly are in another place with ...themselves._

**Nirgge**: You think they'll show up?

**Findor**: Well my gut says no, but, then again my gut's made of an advanced polymer, it doesn't know what the hell it's talkin' about. Stupid gut.

**Baraggan**: Great Caesar's Toast! Looks like they brought out the heavy artillery!

_Loly rolls up alongside Dordoni._

**Dordoni**: What are the reds doing here? We aren't scheduled to conquer them until next Tuesday.

_Zooms around to Rey, Di-Roy and Charlotte nearby._

**Di-Roy**: That's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.

_Camera backs up behind Baraggan._

**Baraggan**: Ah ha, they're lining up in flanking formation. Those blue jackals! Keep yer eyes peeled, fellas. This could get ugly.

_Cut to Rey, with Skullak on a cliff in the distance looking through the sniper rifle, and radio sounds._

**Rey**: Are you there Skullak? Skullak, are you there Skullak.

**Skullak**: Hey man, I've been trying to get you on the radio for ten minutes. What's goin' on?

**Rey**: Sorry man, I'm still picking up the reds' transmissions from when we broadcast that Lopez song. There's a lot of chatter.

**Skullak**: Well are you at least getting any useful information?

**Rey**: Nah it's just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?

**Skullak**: Alright. Get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.

**Rey**: Uh Skullak, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.

**Skullak**: What?

**Rey**: I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle. It's just a side-note.

**Skullak**: Okay fine, triangle of confusion. Rhombus of terror, parabola of mystery, WHO CARES!? Get the God damn show on the road!

**Rey**: Alright alright, sorry. Initiating primary commencement phase.

**Charlotte**: What're they talking about?

**Di-Roy**: Quiet Commander Pop'n'Fresh. I think they're talking about your golden flakey crust.

_Cut to behind the reds, with Rey at the top of the hill._

**Rey**: Hello everyone! We're here to surrender! At this time, we would like to ask for one representative\prisoner from each group to cross sides.

**Nirgge**: Hey, I think I see Dordoni over there!

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ Dordoni the Heavy takes orders from your kind no more.

**Nirgge**: Yep, it's him.

**Loly**: Tell him big daddy.

**Rey**: Okay, get going pinky.

_Charlotte starts crossing back to the reds._

**Di-Roy**: Goodbye, Major Cinnamon Bun! I will always remember your buttery goodness! ...Who was that guy?

**Findor**: Look, they're releasing Charlotte.

**Baraggan**: Go on, Francis Ex, front 'n' center.

**Dordoni**: A robot! They wish to turn our own kind against us!

**Rey**: Um, Skullak? Do you think maybe in hindsight it was a bad idea for us to put Dordoni around a bunch of robots?

**Skullak**: Just stick to the plan, Rey. Get the first robot over there, I'll draw Dordoni's fire, come on!

_Dordoni arrives between Charlotte and Francisco Montegue Zanzibar_

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ Don't move, traitor!

**Baraggan**: What does it- it's a double cross! Charlotte, Frankie Zane, get back here!

**Rey**: (_aiming at Dordoni_) No! Stay where you are! Do not go back!

**Findor**: Now the blues are aiming at each other? What the hell's going on?

**Baraggan**: We've been outmaneuvered, men! Take cover. I'm calling in an air strike.

_Loud radio noises._

**Rey**: OW, MOTHER- what the hell is that noise?

**Baraggan**: Yeh, Red Command, come in! This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One! Do you read me?

**Gin**: Hello, hello, who's there. Come in, is that you Private Rey? Hello.

**Baraggan**: Private who? No, Gin, this is Sarge, from Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

**Gin**: Oh, hey there Sarge, long time no see, sorry 'bout that I uh, anyway what can we do here for you at Red Command today?

**Baraggan**: I'm up to my haunches in hyenas here, Vic. I need an airstrike, and I need it on the pronto!

**Gin**: Can do Sarge, I will send an airstrike to target the blue forces now. Course I'll need you to fax in the airstrike requisition form.

**Baraggan**: But I can't! I had to use spare parts from our fax machine to build Simmons Two Point O.

_Fax machine sounds, Findor shakes a lot._

**Findor**: Whoa! Hmm, excuse me, man it must have been something I ate.

**Nirgge**: Hey Findor? Why is there paper coming out of your ass?

**Rey**: What the hell, Gin! How do you know the red team? Why're you helping them against the blues? What the fuck is going on here?

**Gin**: Oh... Private, Rey, you're on here too, uhm... See I uh... You guys are, uh... uh, I gotta go, bad connection.

_Radio noises as the channel is shut down._

**Sarge**: Wait, Gin. Red Command! Come in, I need ya!

_Cut to Gin._

**Gin**: Well. That's not gonna be very good for business.

_Back to the reds._

**Baraggan**: Findor, Nirgge... We're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!

**Nirgge**: Wait! I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from friday?

**Findor**: Yeah, let's all take dying as an open action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.

**Baraggan**: No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (_charges up the hill_)

**Rey**: Wait everyone, stop fighting!

**Baraggan**: Yeah, come on!

**Rey**: It's all a lie!

**Baraggan**: Let's go! Haha

**Rey**: Red is blue! Blue is red!

**Baraggan**: Yeah, kablammo!

**Rey**: We're all the same!

**Baraggan**: Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!

_Radio noises._

**Skullak**: (_arriving with everyone else_) Tucker, you radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!

**Baraggan**: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

**Di-Roy**: This is fun!

**Baraggan**: Yaaaaaaaaaaaakakakakakakaka Oh, dammit! Gaaaaaaaaaa!

**Findor**: Quiet Sarge, I can't hear what that guy's yelling!

**Loly**: Lock and load.

**Baraggan**: I LOVE BLOOD AND VIOLENCE!

**Rey**: Stop fighting! Stop fighting!

**Baraggan**: I'VE GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!

**Findor**: What did you say, blue?

_Skullak takes over Robot Number 2._

**Robot Number 2**: Hegakergerk, wheh!

**Baraggan**: Kaboom!

**Rey**: I said, there's no red versus blue! It's all the-

_Szayel flies in on the alien wessel and shoots Rey in the back with a rocket._

**Rey**: Waaaaaa son of a bitch!

**Baraggan**: What the hell is that?

**Skullak**: What the hell is that!?

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ ¿Mira que cosa?

**Charlotte**: Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!

_Another rocket is fired in to the ground behind Charlotte, Di-Roy, Dordoni, and Francisco Montegue Zanzibar, making them scatter._

**Szayel**: Oops! Sorry about that big explosion!

**O'Malley**: Sorry it wasn't bigger! (_evil laugh_)

**Skullak in Robot Number 2**: Wait a second, I'd know that laugh anywhere, that's O'Malley!

_Another rocket is fired in to the ground behind Skullak, Zanzibar, Baraggan, Di-Roy, and Charlotte, making them scatter._

**Szayel**: My bad!

**Skullak**: (_to Zanzibar_) Come on robot, you're with me.

**Dordoni**: (_shooting at Skullak and Zanzibar_) Loly, stop them!

**Loly**: My pleasure. (_aims at them and fires_)

_Cut to Baraggan and Nirgge behind a rock._

**Baraggan**: Nirgge. We're going to die. I'm glad we get these last few moments to make amends. My only hope is that I die before you, so that I don't live through the horror of losing a man on the battlefield.

**Nirgge**: Yeeeah. I hope you die first too, Sarge.

_Skullak and Zanzibar crest the hill to arrive at Rey's location._

**Skullak**: Rey, Rey! Are you okay?

**Rey**: (_lying lifeless on the ground_) Skullak. The purple guy. He's-

**Skullak**: Yeah I know, it's O'Malley. He must have got in the medic somehow.

**Rey**: No. He's an asshole.

**Loly**: (_in background_) Dordoni! No!

**Di-Roy**: Skullak, how come Rey gets to nap during battles and I don't?

_O'Malley laughs evilly in the background. Loly rolls up to the blues._

**Loly**: Help! He took Dordoni!

**Skullak**: What? Where'd he go?

_O'Malley laughs evilly as the camera zips to the red base, with him standing with Dordoni on it._

**O'Malley**: Here I am, you fool!

**Skullak**: How'd he get up there so quick?

**Charlotte**: That guy's wicked fast!

**Szayel**: Thanks, I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!

**Nirgge**: Track sucks!

**O'Malley**: You suck! And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out!

_Nirgge and Findor look at each other_

**O'Malley**: The Universe will be mine! (_evil laugh_)

**Loly**: Dordoni! No!

**O'Malley**: Move it, brown bot.

_Dordoni and O'Malley run through the teleporter._

**O'Malley**: In to the abyss!

_Cut to Skullak, with a lingering evil laugh from our favorite homicidal A.I._

**Skullak**: Everyone hold your fire! We're comin' out. Truce!

**Di-Roy**: Time out!

_Skullak and Di-Roy run up to the reds._

**Nirgge**: Would someone explain what just happened here?

**Skullak**: That evil guy in the scooter shot one of our guys and ran off with Dordoni.

**Baraggan**: But we need Dordoni for very specific reasons that we don't have to explain to you. We have to get him back.

**Skullak**: Yeah and we have to get the evil guy back. He's the only one around here that can heal Rey.

**Nirgge**: So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.

**Findor**: No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.

**Charlotte**: No, ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Dordoni, Dordoni kidnapped him.

**Baraggan**: I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.

**Di-Roy**: I think it would be ironic, if everyone was made of iron.

_Black screen with message: two hours later. Cut to everyone on top of the red base, including Loly and Szayel's discarded scooter._

**Skullak**: Okay. We all agree, that while the current situation, is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together, is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that...

**Baraggan**: Yes.

**Findor**: And, I just finished reprogramming our teleporter, to take us directly to Dordoni and O'Malley's coordinates.

**Baraggan**: We'll leave one member of each team so that no one can trick anyone and take over the canyon. Our man will be Charlotte.

**Di-Roy**: We will leave Corporal Croissandwich!

**Skullak**: Di-Roy...

**Di-Roy**: We will leave Loly.

**Charlotte**: Yeah, thanks guys. Because, you know if this is a trick, I'm sure I can hold her off on my own.

**Skullak**: Alright, we're gonna do this one at a time then. You first Sarge.

**Baraggan**: Today seems like a good day to teleport. (_running in to the teleporter_) Geronimo!

**Di-Roy**: (_running in to the teleporter_) Paskataway!

**Findor**: Hmmm...

**Nirgge**: What's wrong?

**Findor**: I just had a really weird feeling that I'm never gonna see this place again.

**Nirgge**: And that's a bad thing?

**Findor**: Oh I didn't say weird bad, I just said weird. (_runs in to the teleporter_)

**Skullak**: Alright. It's Grif, right? You 'n' me will go through together, ready?

**Nirgge**: After you.

_Skullak runs through the teleporter, followed closely by Nirgge._

**Charlotte**: Hah. I wonder if I should have told the guys that thing I heard O'Malley say about sabotage when I was in the cave. ...Ah well. (_turns to face Loly_) Uh, hi!

**Loly**: Stop staring at my treads, buddy.

**Charlotte**: Geeze. Sorry.

_Francisco Montegue Zanzibar's body shakes a lot, then stops._

**Tex in Zanzibar's body**: Alright you sons of bitches, I'm back, and I've got some- Hey- hey where'd everybody go? (_sees Charlotte_) Do I know you? Hey! You're the girl that killed me!

_Loly turns her turret from Tex to Charlotte._

**Charlotte**: (_turning to face the camera_) Uh oh.

_Baraggan and Di-Roy emerge standing in a stream._

**Baraggan**: Prepare to surrender, dirtbag!

**Di-Roy**: Okay, I surrender. Now it's your turn.

**Baraggan**: Not you, moron. Wait a minute, where are we.

_Findor emerges in what appears to be an industrial complex of some sort._

**Findor**: Guys? Oh guys... Where is everybody?

_Cut to Skullak and Nirgge standing on a cliff in Sidewinder._

**Skullak**: Alright, now let's just find- where is everybody?

**Nirgge**: Whoa. Where are we? What is this place?

_Someone in tan armor steps behind them, pointing his gun at them._

**Jerome**: Freeze, drop your weapon!

**Skullak**: Uh oh.

**Jerome**: I said freeze, dirtbag!

**Skullak**: (_two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound_)

_Skullak's body automatically punches Nirgge._

**Nirgge**: Ow! Aw come on!

**Note: That the end of Season 2! Season 3 will be starting soon. **


	39. Ep 39

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_The Best Laid Plans!_

_Fades in on Rey lying face down in the ground, with Charlotte standing over him._

**Rey**: (_lifeless moans_)

**Charlotte**: Come on mister blue guy, you gotta wake up. Wake up.

**Rey**: It hurts. Just let me die.

**Charlotte**: You can't die, I'm bored! All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff, and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.

_Cut to Tex and Loly._

**Tex**: I don't have treads, but I often find them staring at things they really shouldn't be.

_Cut back to Charlotte and Rey._

**Charlotte**: You see? Boring stuff like oppression, and a hostile work environment.

**Rey**: Get Doc, I need Doc.

**Charlotte**: I can't. He got possessed by that evil guy and they escaped. He's the one that shot you. Don't you remember?

**Rey**: I know. I want him to shoot me again.

**Charlotte**: Now now now, sounds like someone's got a case of the "poor me"s. If you were gonna die you would have done it by now! Maybe you just need to realize, you're gonna have to live with intense pain.

**Rey**: Get that Sarge guy, have him make me a new body.

**Charlotte**: Huhg, we can't. We're out of parts because we overused that joke. And Sarge left with the others to chase Doc. But don't you worry, they left a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Findor had a fool-proof plan to catch him.

_Cut to Findor in one of many similar corridors of grey between red walls._

**Findor**: Hellooooo... Hello? Is anybody here? Just great. I guess we all got seperated in the teleporter.

_Radio sounds._

**Findor**: Sarge. This is Findor 2.0, do you read me. Apparently your plan to chase Dordoni and Doc has failed miserably. I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus of teleporters, which could take me anywhere in the Universe... Or it's a janitor's closet, the hell I don't fucking know, Sarge, are you there, Sarge!

_Cut to Baraggan and Di-Roy standing in a stream._

**Baraggan**: Hello, anyone! Do you read me? Do I read you? Anyone? Anybody? Nobody? Okay. (_sound of his radio turning off. To Di-Roy_) Well, I don't think the others are coming. They must have gotten separated somehow.

**Di-Roy**: My toes, are getting pruny.

**Baraggan**: O...kay. Why don't we try to find O'Malley? (_runs off_)

**Di-Roy**: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while, maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates. (_runs off to follow Baraggan_)

**Baraggan**: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back. If you know what I mean.

_Baraggan and Di-Roy come upon a fallen blue soldier outside a base._

**Di-Roy**: Sargeant. Look! A sleeping person!

**Baraggan**: What? Holy macaroon.

_Baraggan runs over and kneels by the fallen blue._

**Baraggan**: He's not sleeping son, he's dead.

**Di-Roy**: Oh good. At first, I thought that was me. Because, I am blue. And, I like to sleep. But, if he is dead that cannot be me. That would be silly.

**Baraggan**: No doubt he was killed by our very enemy, once again I find myself torn. On the one hand, there's one less blue in the Universe. But now Doc's got a bigger body count than me! And that just won't do. No sir. Rest in peace... scumbag.

_Di-Roy runs behind the base and sees many fallen blues and reds._

**Di-Roy**: Look - more sleeping people! It must be nap time. But who has nap time now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times.

**Baraggan**: What the Samuel Helsinki happened here? There must have been an enormous battle. Hello! Is anyone okay!? Are there any survivors? Preferably any red survivors? Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you blue, I won't step on your neck or anything like that.

**Di-Roy**: Am I allowed to answer?

**Baraggan**: Shh quiet. You hear that?

_In the background, trumpet music starts getting louder._

**Di-Roy**: Yes. That noise is called water. It is very wet, and very sloshy-

**Baraggan**: I was talking about the trumpet, bluetard.

**Di-Roy**: I have to go to the bathroom now for some reason. Which is odd, because I already went when we were standing in the creek together.

**Baraggan**: Wait a minute I know that song, that's Reveille. But why would someone be playing Reveille in the middle of a-

_All of a sudden, every fallen soldier at once jumps up yelling and cheering._

**Baraggan**: Sweet jibbly jiblets!

**Di-Roy**: Running time!

_The soldiers all run off, going around Baraggan and Di-Roy to get back to their bases._

**Soldiers**: Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut etc.

**A blue soldier**: (_jumping in to the blue base_) and jump.

**A red soldier**: (_running to the red base_) Huay ho huay ho ho hey ho ha ya ho ya yo yuh!

_The soldiers all run in to their bases, leaving Baragga and Di-Roy alone outside._

**Baraggan**: What just happened here.

**Di-Roy**: I think all the sleepy people were trying to ke-

**Baraggan**: That was rhetorical.

**A blue soldier**: (_from inside_) Yeah, go blue team!

**Blue soldiers**: (_from inside, continuing to yell_)

**Baraggan**: Get over here, give me a boost!

**Di-Roy**: Okay. (_steps closer to Baraggan_) You are a good person, and people say nice things about you.

**Baraggan**: Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.

**Di-Roy**: That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.

**Baraggan**: I know, I need you to help me look through it.

**Di-Roy**: I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, that window is square.

**Baraggan**: Come here, you.

_Baraggan boosts Di-Roy up to look in the base._

**Blue soldier 1**: I'm gonna kill me a red, and when I get him I'm gonna chop his gutsout I'm going to eat 'em right there. (_they continue yammering)_

**Di-Roy**: Whoa.

**Baraggan**: What do you see?

**Di-Roy**: I see... a room.

**Baraggan**: And? What's in the room?

**Di-Roy**: There are some walls, and some ceilings. Wait- just one ceiling.

**Baraggan**: What's making that racket?

**The Blue Soldiers**: Kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds!

**Di-Roy**: You are not going to like it.

_Baraggan lets Di-Roy down._

**Baraggan**: Di-Roy, I have a very bad feeling abou-

_Trumpet music CHARGE plays._

**Baraggan**: What's that?

_The blues emerge from their base firing on all cylinders, yelling CHARGE! and similar optimistic battle-cries. The reds do the same. A blatant firefight ensues._

**Baraggan**: Come on Di-Roy, we gotta get to higher ground!

_They run off._

**A blue soldier**: Yeah I love reloading, I love to reload!

**A red soldier**: (_smashing him in the back of the head_) Oh, back of the head!

**The newly fallen blue soldier**: D'oh, tell my girlfriend that I love her.

**The red soldier**: She's my girlfriend now bitch!

**Baraggan**: Come on Di-Roy! (_they run up a convenient ladder_)

**The Soldiers**: (_random shouts and jeers_)

**Di-Roy**: Sarge... I am scared of our new friends.

**Baraggan**: Hot Sonny Bono, what's going on here?

_A red soldier emerges from the blue base with their flag._

**The red soldier**: Stop fighting, stop fighting everyone, stop fighting! (_everyone stops shooting and looks at him_) Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!

**A red soldier**: It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!

**The red flag bearer**: I have seen the top of the mountain! And you will worship me as though I were a God!

_The poor red dude is mobbed by four blues at once, WWE-style, and taken down._

**The red flag bearer**: I regret nothing! I lived as few men dare to dream!

_The remaining soldiers look at each other, then back at him, then back at each other, and continue firing. A red guy gets a blue guy from behind with the butt of his gun._

**Red guy**: Hell yeah! (_gets shot in the back of the head_) Oh no!

**The blue sniper**: Head shot! (_gets shot in the feet by a rocket_) Oh, you rocket-whore!

**A Blue guy**: Hey I got some, you want some? I got some for you! Come on you!

**A Red guy**: The only good blue is a dead blue!

**A different Red guy**: Christ this water's cold!

_Cut to a red and a blue on either side of a rock alternating standing up firing and crouching so the other guy can fire. The blue guy is killed by a grenade from behind._

**Red guy**: Weak! You took my kill!

**Other Red guy**: I didn't see your name on it! (_gets shot by a camper from behind a rock_) Oh you fucking camping bitch!

**Blue camper**: It's a legitimate strategy! (_gets shot at rounding a rock_) Whoa!

**Red guy**: Damn! Hey blue, we're the only two left! Let's work together!

**Blue guy**: What do you mean?

**Red guy**: I'm coming out!

**Blue guy**: Okay, I'm coming out too!

_They meet in the stream._

**Blue guy**: What did you mean we could work as a team?

_The red guy smashes the blue guy in the face with his gun._

**Red guy**: I bash you in the head with my rifle and you die. Good teamwork you fucking noob. Good game, good game everybody! GG man, GG. (_takes a hit from nowhere in the back of the head and falls over_)

**Baraggan**: I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the Hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Nirgge, for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Nirgge.

**Di-Roy**: I am so confused. Where is Skullak? I need Skullak to tell me what to think. Skullak could handle this. He can handle anything!

_Cut to Skullak and Nirgge in jail_

**Skullak**: Hey asshole, for the last time, LET ME OUTTA THIS GOD DAMN JAIL CELL!

**Nirgge**: Yeah, let him out. He's driving me nuts!

**Skullak**: Oh shut up, red, nobody asked you.

**Nirgge**: I should have never listened to Charlotte's stupid fucking plan.

**Note: Well, this is the beginning of Season 3. Enjoy and review Ok. **_  
_


	40. Ep 40

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Visiting Old Friends!_

_Findor is standing in front of one of the teleporters in his janitor closet._

**Findor**: Okay, let's see, if I wire this thing in to that... maybe I could signal boost on that thing there... I might just be able to get that to work.

_View through the teleporter to Baraggan and Di-Roy shooting._

**Baraggan**: Di-Roy, Di-Roy, keep them away from me! Get that one. And that one. No no, the one with the limp! Get 'im!

**Findor**: Sarge, is that you?

**Di-Roy**: I don't want to kill... but... I don't want to die even more.

**Findor**: Di-Roy, can you hear me!?

**Di-Roy**: Yes, I heard you Sergeant.

**Baraggan**: I didn't say anything, numbnuts.

_View is solidly in Battle Creek._

**Baraggan**: Di-Roy, we have to break this neverending cycle of attack and retaliation, either by A) convincing the two sides to live in peace, or B) by getting ourselves completely involved, and kicking some serious ass! I vote B.

**Di-Roy**: I have a plan Sergeant, but we will have to move quick. Listen: _(Wispering)_ whisper whisper whisper. Do you think that will work?

**Baraggan**: That's your plan? All you said was "whisper whisper whisper."

**Di-Roy**: I know. I just wanted to be the one with the plan for once.

**Baraggan**: Hgggh, come on. I have an idea.

_Black screen: "meanwhile, somewhere else in the galaxy" Fades in to a hallway._

**Ganju **: This sucks man. I have to do everything around here. Go guard the wall, Ganju. Go paint the jeep Ganju. Go do everything Ganju. This sucks.

_Wyoming drops behind Ganju, and he turns around_

**Ganju**: What was that? Nothin', just that stupid, sucky wind. Breaking a twig, coming up behind me and... breathing, real heavy. (_turns around_) What the?

**Wyoming**: Hello, mate. (_thick English accent_)

_Wyoming punches Ganju in the face, knocking him out. Fade in a random amount of time later, Ganju on his knees at gunpoint._

**Ganju**: Oh man, this sucks, what's going on?

**Wyoming**: Right, here's the way this works. I ask you a question, you tell me an answer. One question, one answer. I don't get the answer I like, we've got a problem. And if we've got a problem, you've got a problem. That clear?

**Ganju**: Okay, just don't hurt me! I'm a single parent.

**Wyoming**: Splendid, that's the attitude old chap. Now, first question. Where are you hiding the plans?

_Wyoming's cell phone starts ringing._

**Wyoming**: Mhm, ahem. Right. Where, are you hiding, th-... right. Need to get that, one second. (_turns around and answers the phone_) Hello? Yes, this is he speaking. ...Oh hello! Yes, right. Oh bugger. Spell that with a T or an F, do you? Thought you said something else. No, I'll get right on it.

**Ganju**: Getting bored...

**Wyoming**: Right. Usual fee... He won't be a problem. No, I'll nip that one for you straight away. Right. Say hello to mum for me. Cheerio. (_turns back around to Ganju_) Now, where were we. Ah yes. Looks like it's your lucky day, mate.

**Ganju**: Oh, thank God!

**Wyoming**: Don't have time to torture you, so I'm just going to have to kill you.

**Ganju**: Uh-oh man this sucks!

_Black screen, gunshot, fades back in to the Battle Creek Reds in their base._

**A Red Soldier**: Yeah, I'm gonna kill everybody!

**Another Red Soldier**: Get the flag, get the flag, get the flag. Get the fucking flag!

**Some Other Red Soldier**: We must protect this house!

**Many Red Soldiers**: We must protect this house!

**Yet Another Red Soldier**: We must protect this house! This is our house!

**A Poignant Red Soldier**: Um, guys, look, where's our flag?

**Some Red Soldier**: (_sharp inhale_)

**Another Red Soldier**: No.

**Some Other Red Soldier**: The flag is gone?

**A Red Soldier**: What will we do?

** The Red Zealot**: If the flag is gone, who will lead us? Who will inspire us with their shiny pole? Who will flag directions to us in battle? We are lost, and the world as we knew it is gone forever from our eyes, only to live in our memories as the days of salad and glory! Truly these are the end of times! Repent! Repent!

**The Other Red Soldiers**: ...

**A Red Soldier**: This sucks, I'm leaving.

**Some Red Soldier**: Yeah...

_The reds and blues run slowly from their bases, very uninspired._

**Some Blue Soldier**: Yay. Great.

_They meet in the middle, below Baraggan and Di-Roy._

**Baraggan**: (_holding the blue flag_) Oh blue team... Look what I have.

**Di-Roy**: (_holding the red flag_) Oh blue team... Look what, wait, I messed up my line. Let's start over.

**A Red Soldier**: They have our flag!

**A Blue Soldier**: No they don't, they have our flag!

**Baraggan**: Listen you morons, you're gonna have to work for us now.

**The Red Soldier**: What's in it for us?

**Baraggan**: Help us get out of here, and we'll give you back your flags. Then you can go back to senselessly killing yourselves.

**A Red Soldier**: Deal. Ha, sucker!

**A Blue Soldier**: Wait- why don't we just kill you guys and take the flags back?

**A Red Soldier**: Hmm. Yeah!

_Baraggan shoots the blue soldier._

**Some Red Soldier**: Oh, you got owned. I saw it, fucking owned!

**The Blue Soldiers**: Teams! Teams! Teams!

**Some Red Soldier**: Shut up! Teams are fine!

**The Red Soldiers**: Teams are fine! Teams are fine!

_Reds and blues start firing at each other ...again._

**Baraggan**: Di-Roy... I give up.

**Di-Roy**: Wait. I can make them listen. I can beat them.

**Baraggan**: Son, what are you talkin' about?

**Di-Roy**: O'Malley taught me how to be mean. (_concentrating_) I, just, have, to, concentrate, on, bad, things. Like, milk. No wait, red, Red, Bull.

**Baraggan**: Son, I think you've really lost it. O'Malley's not in your head any more, he infected the Doc!

**Di-Roy**: No, I can feel him. I just need to get angry, and say, mean, things! Like... uh... Your brain is a mountain of hatred!

**Baraggan**: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Nirgge... but here it is.

**Di-Roy**: Now. I, am, thinking, about... kittens! Guh, kit-tens, covered, in, spikes. That makes, me, angry!

_Di-Roy jumps down from the cliff in to the battle, doing a dramatic gutteral yell on the way down that sounds, ironically, like when you grunt in the bathroom._

**Di-Roy**: (_in a voice remeniscent of O'Malley_) My name, is Di-Roy Linker! And I, hate, babies.

**The Red Zealot**: It's the beast! The anti-flag, come to live among us and rule us for seven years! The end is nigh!

_Di-Roy punches him in the face, knocking him down._

**The Red Zealot**: Yeooigh!

**A Blue Soldier ****Di-Roy** Punches And Knocks Down: Yikes!

**A Red Soldier ****Di-Roy** Punches And Knocks Down: Yowsah!

_Di-Roy shoots down a red, then a blue, then a red._

**First Red Soldier**: OW!

**The Blue Soldier**: Wee!

**Second Red Soldier**: Wow!

**Baraggan**: Great Gustavo, what's goin' on down there?

_Findor fades in in apparition form behind him._

**Holographic ****Findor**: Sarge, Di-Roy can you hear me?

**Baraggan**: Findor 2.0?

**Holographic ****Findor**: I reconfigured the teleporter, to allow me to communicate with you. I need to get you guys outta there.

**Baraggan**: Damn right we need to get outta here.

**Holographic ****Findor**: Get to your teleporter, and I'll see what I can do from here.

**Baraggan**: Okay!

**Ghostly ****Findor**: And, Sarge?

**Baraggan**: Yeah?

**Holographic ****Findor**: It's really great to see you again.

**Baraggan**: Oh kiss my ass some other time.

**Holographic ****Findor**: Whatever you say, Sir.

_Baraggan climbs down the ladder and runs for the base._

**Baraggan**: Come on, Di-Roy, before they wake up again!

**Di-Roy**: I will eat your unhappiness.

**Baraggan**: (_reaching the teleporter_) Hurry up, Findor.

_Revelee starts playing in the background._

**Findor**: Just give me a few more seconds over here, Sarge.

**Baraggan**: We don't have a few more seconds!

**Findor**: Stop pressuring me! I rely on you for love and support!

**Di-Roy**: Your toast has been burned, and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts.

**Baraggan**: Oh shut up, Di-Roy.

**Findor**: Okay there, come through now!

**Baraggan**: Come on, Di-Roy!

_They run through the teleporter, and the camera conveniently follows._

**Findor**: Whoo. That was pretty close, huh?

**Baraggan**: Findor, you get an F in efficiency. But I have to give you an A+ in dramatic timing.

**Findor**: Thank you Sir. I've always felt that presentation is what matters most.

**Di-Roy**: What happened? The last thing I remember was a very mean kitten. And then we were in this janitor's closet. And my throat hurts, a lot.

**Findor**: What was that weird place, Sarge?

**Baraggan**: Findor, I have absolutely no idea.

_Cut back to Battle Creek._

**The Red Zealot**: Well I guess it's back to basics, now! Get ready for destruction, blues! We're gonna kick your ass! We have become death! Destroyer of whe- oh wait, hold on. I gotta take out the trash. I'll be right back.

**Note: I will reveal who will play ****Wyoming later like all the other Freelancers, minus Tex, since I wanted everyone to know Cirucci is play her part. **


	41. Ep 41

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Let's Get Together!_

_Fades in to O'Malley and Dordoni standing on a base in a cold desolate-looking place._

**O'Malley**: (_evil laughter_) Well, my metallic friend, your modifications are complete. And my plan is coming to frution. Frusi- Fru-Frutition. Fr-

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ Fruition.

**O'Malley**: Oh, shut up.

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ Yes Master. Your plan is foolproof.

**O'Malley**: Now to bring together my enemies.

_Cut to Gin's control panel, with the words 'OUT OF AREA' flashing in red._

**Gin**: Oh dude, come on, you gotta be kidding me.

******Gin**'s answering machine: Hey dude, it's Gin. No solo mia, not in the casa right now, so leave a message and I'll call you back. Just leave your what's up at the yo...yo.

**O'Malley**: Gin, pick up, it's me, (_evil laughter_).

**Gin**: Oh hey, Doctor Baron von Evil Satan, what's up dude?

**O'Malley**: Don't screen my calls, Gin.

**Gin**: Dude, you don't come up on caller ID I'm not just gonna answer anything-

**O'Malley**: Caller ID? I'm in hiding you baffoon! I'm trying to take over the universe! (_evil laughter_)

**Szayel**: We're also on the Do Not Call List.

**O'Malley**: Oh, shut up.

**Gin**: So how's that plot going dude.

**O'Malley**: Magnificent! (_evil laughter_) I've called my bounty hunter in. He'll take care of your little 'red and blue' problem post-haste (_evil laughter_).

**Gin**: Oh cool! Thanks for turning that around so quick, dude.

**O'Malley**: (_laugh continues_) Ha.

**Gin**: I know you're swamped.

**O'Malley**: Then the universe will be mine and I'll crush every living soul in to dust, hahaha! Except or you of course Vic. I'll make you Assistant Crusher.

**Gin**: Okay, dude. Looking forward to that.

_Cut to Baraggan, Findor and Di-Roy in their janitor closet._

**Findor**: And that brought you back here. So, theoretically one of these teleporters should transport us back to Blood Gulch, or anywhere else that we want to go. Do you understand?

**Di-Roy**: Yes. No. What does thermoretically mean?

**Findor**: I probably could have saved a lot of time by telling you these things worked by magic.

**Di-Roy**: I thought you told the story well. I liked all the parts with me in them.

**Baraggan**: Any idea which ones go where?

**Findor**: Man um... not really. I found you two guys by accident. And I don't want to start using teleporters at random.

**Di-Roy**: We should definitely take the green one.

**Findor**: Okay, be quiet now.

**Baraggan**: We've gotta find a way to contact them.

**Gin**: (_over the radio_) Come in Sargeant Dude. Hello, Sergeant Dude, are you there.

**Baraggan**: Gin?

**Gin**: Got some big news for you dude.

_Cut to Tex in Blood Gulch, talking with Rey who is miraculously standing upright again. We'll tell Di-Roy it was magic._

**Tex**: Bad news Rey. I just picked up a feed. You've been tagged.

**Rey**: Tagged? That sounds bad. Unless it means something sexual, does it mean something sexual?

**Tex**: It means something bad.

**Rey**: Oh, yeah like that's a surprise.

**Tex**: Someone's hired a Freelancer to take you out. Do you have any idea why?

**Rey**: I can't say.

**Tex**: Keeping secrets? I find that attractive.

**Rey**: You do!?

**Tex**: In attractive people, yeah.

**Charlotte**: Do you know who's after him?

**Tex**: This guy I know from training. Name's Wyoming.

**Rey**: (_laughs_) Finally a name dumber than Chuhlhourne!

**Charlotte**: Hey! ...Yeah, okay.

**Tex**: Everybody in the division was paired with an A.I., and codenamed for a State.

**Charlotte**: What was your codename, Tex?

**Tex**:_(Sarcastic)_ Nevada.

**Rey**: One for each State? So there's fifty of you.

**Tex**: Forty-nine, remember?

**Rey**: Oh, yeah, that's right. Man. Poor Florida.

_They bow their heads in rememberance of Florida._

**Rey**: Okay, anyway.

**Tex**: Well I'll make you a deal. I still owe you one. So if I take care of Wyoming, we're square. Deal?

**Rey**: You realize that you wanna protect me from a guy who's trying to kill me. What'm I gonna say, no?

**Tex**: I'll take that as a yes.

_Cut back to the janitor closet._

**Baraggan**: Eureka's hammer, I've got it! I put a listening device in one of the suits of armor I built. We can use that to find out where they are.

**Findor**: But which one, Sarge? Isn't one a huge bomb?

**Baraggan**: Heheheh. Yeah, I wouldn't turn that on. Or maybe I should. That we could follow the enormous explosion and huge plumes of smoke, directly to them. It'd be just like a homing device. But Indian style.

**Findor**: I assume what you mean, sir, is directly to the crater that they left.

**Baraggan**: Though crudely delivered I see your point. Let's go with the listening device.

**Findor**: Great idea, sir.

**Baraggan**: Yes, it was.

**Di-Roy**: Can I push the button to make it go? Please?

**Baraggan**: (_holding up the button_) Okay Di-Roy, but just this once.

**Di-Roy**: Yay! Thanks.

_Di-Roy hits the button._

**Baraggan**: (_laughs_) What a little rascal.

**Di-Roy**: (_returning to Findor's side_) I pushed the button.

**Findor**: Stay away from him, he's mine.

**Voice**: Man, I hate this. This sucks.

**Di-Roy**: It's Skullak!

**Voice**: I just wanna lay around and do nothing.

**Baraggan**: I think it's Nirgge!

**Voice**: Right after I take this nice, warm, bubble-bath.

******Findor** and **Baraggan**: Charlotte.

**Findor**: (_making for a teleporter_) Let me see if I can lock on to that signal, Sarge. Okay, got it, go ahead.

**Baraggan**: Come in, Charlotte, come in. Charlotte, do you read me? Come in.

**Charlotte**: Sarge, you gotta help me! You left me with one blue, but now there are three!

**Baraggan**: Gin was right, it was a trap all along! Listen, Charlotte. Gin told me all about the blue plot. That fella Rey is gonna make up things, craaazy things about Red and Blue. You can't listen to him, you just can't!

**Charlotte**: Sarge, what should I do?

**Baraggan**: Don't let him catch on that you know. Just act like you normally do; wait, not like you, act like someone more brave. 'N smarter. 'N more masculine, for God's sake.

**Charlotte**: Okey-dokey Sarge.

**Baraggan**: He's a dead man, Findor.

**Findor**: It's okay Sir, I thought that you two were getting too close anyway, and that's not good for the chain of command.

**Baraggan**: Try to open a teleporter to them. I'll see if I can locate the other armor.

_Di-roy raises up the button for Skullak's armor._

**Di-Roy**: Yeah! More button pushing!

**Findor**: Di-Roy don't touch that!

**Di-Roy**: This is the button to find Skullak! (_presses the button_)

**Baraggan**: Uh oh. That's not gonna be good.

**Findor**: Did he just do what I think he did?

**Di-Roy**: Skullak is going to be so happy with me!

_Cut to Skullak and Nirgge in jail._

**Skullak**: (_impressive belch_)

**Nirrge**: Nice. I bet I can beat it.

_Skullak's stomach starts ticking metallically._

**Skullak**: Uhgow, I wonder what caused that.

**Nirgge**: Hey Skullak, do you know your stomach is ticking?


	42. Ep 42

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_You're the Bomb, Yo!_

_Ticking in the background as it fades in on Nirgge and Skullak._

**Nirgge**: Guys I'm a red too, I'm a red! I don't even know this guy! Come on, let me out.

**Skullak**: Thanks for the support, Nirgge. Way to be a team player.

**Nirgge**: Hey, I gotta think about myself here.

**Skullak**: There's no "I" in team, Nirgge.

**Nirgge**: Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, nobody's on the God damn team. The team sucks!

**Skullak**: What I can't figure out is why the reds are still here. Tex already wiped out all the blues. Why wouldn't they just pull out?

**Nirgge**: As someone who's taken orders from Red Command for the last three years, trust me, it's not that surprising.

_Cut to Baraggan, Di-Roy, and Findor in the janitor closet._

**Findor**: Okay, we traced the bomb activation signal to Sidewinder. How much time do we have left Sarge?

**Charlotte**: (_through staticky radio_) Everyone here is set to transport.

**Rey**: (_through staticky radio_) I'm not going through that thing. I'm serious.

**Baraggan**: We need to get there as soon as possible. Did you set their teleporter to take them straight to Sidewinder?

**Findor**: I walked Charlotte through it. He says he did everything right, but I figure they have a fifty/fifty chance of ending up in Sidewinder, or in the middle of deep space.

**Baraggan**: What about us?

**Findor**: I programmed ours myself. We're fine.

**Baraggan**: I find the risks acceptable.

**Charlotte**: I never knew a Phillips screwdriver was the X one. Do you think it's named after a guy named Phillip? That guy Phillip must have a fucked-up-shaped head!

**Rey**: Yeah. Screw this, I'm walking.

**Baraggan**: Alright, then saddle up! Don't worry Nirgge and Skullak, here comes the cavalry! Hyaaaaa!

_Baraggan runs through a teleporter, and emerges from another behind Di-Roy._

**Baraggan**: Hyaaaaa- oh!

**Findor**: Uh sir? The teleporter I reprogrammed is over there.

**Baraggan**: Oh well, heads up evil-doers; here we come to save the diya-ah forget it, let's just go.

_Cut to Nirgge & Skullak._

**Nirgge**: (_singing poorly and totally out of tune_) Nobody knows, the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but Jesus.

**Skullak**: Will you shut up?

**Nirgge**: You just can't face the fact that I've adjusted to life on the inside! I'm hard now!

**Skullak**: Please, give me a break.

**Nirgge**: As the prison bitch, I would not expect you to understand.

_Cut to a firefight down a hall somewhere._

**Skullak**: What's going on out there?

**Nirgge**: Oh man, maybe our crew's come to bust us out of the joint. I don't know if I can live on the outside though any more Skullak. I'm all institutionalized and shit.

**Skullak**: I don't know. Sounds like whoever's fighting them is winning. That can't possibly be our guys.

**Nirgge**: (_to a salmon-colored guard_) Hey screw, aren't you gonna go help your buddies? Oink oink?

_The soldier runs around a corner and gets punched out. Skullak and Nirgge listen to the sound of invisible approaching footsteps._

**Wyoming**: (_decloaking outside the bars of the cell_) Hello Skullak.

**Skullak**: Wyoming? What're you doing here?

**Wyoming**: Been hired to do a job with your little friend Rey. Seems he's discovered some information that someone else isn't happy about.

**Nirgge**: Who's this kracker?

**Skullak**: Naw, he's just some scumbag bounty hunter that was in the same division as Tex.

**Wyoming**: Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Rey, I'll be taking care of her as well.

**Skullak**: When I get out of here, -

**Wyoming**: But you won't. Everyone here is dead now. Noone even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu-huh. Cheerio.

_Wyoming goes invisible and runs off._

**Skullak**: We gotta find a way to escape, Nirgge.

**Nirgge**: If only we had bedsheets.

**Skullak**: There's no window. What good is tieing together bedsheets gonna do us?

**Nirgge**: Who said anything about tieing them together? I wanna take a nap. If I have to die of hunger, I wanna do it in my sleep.

_Cut to Charlotte, Rey and Tex on the red base, and Loly below, looking up at them._

**Loly**: Good luck everyone, take care. I packed you all lunches for the trip.

**Rey**: Thanks Loly, that was really nice of you.

**Charlotte**: Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.

**Loly**: Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes every day.

_Tex runs through the teleporter, then Charlotte._

**Rey**: Bye Loly, we'll come back for you soon.

**Loly**: I'll be waiting.

_Cut to Baraggan, Findor and Di-roy standing around a teleporter receptacle._

**Findor**: Okay, here they come.

_Tex emerges and runs off, then Charlotte emerges._

**Charlotte**: Yeahah, I knew I could fix a teleporter. I guess these hands aren't just for manicuring after all. Yeahuh.

_REy emerges, covered in black stuff._

**Rey**: OW, crap!

**Findor**: What's all that black stuff on your armor?

**Rey**: Just me? What the fuck?

**Di-Roy**: Rey, I am so glad to see you. Here. Let me help you clean your armor off, by rubbing you all over.

_Rey and Di-roy run off._

**Charlotte**: Ooh ooh, let me help!

**Di-Roy**: Absolutely, Admiral Buttercrust.

_Cut to Wyoming looking at those three through a sniper rifle._

**Wyoming**: Hmm, I don't see him. Perhaps they've disguised him somehow. Well played.

_Cut to Tex looking at him._

**Tex**: Gotcha.

_Cut to Findor and Baraggan._

**Findor**: So what's the plan, Sarge?

**Baraggan**: First, we need to locate Skullak and get that bomb defused. Then we can find Dordoni, download our plans, and get back to fighting the blues.

**Findor**: And find Nirgge.

**Baraggan**: What?

**Findor**: And we also need to find Nirgge. Right sir?

**Baraggan**: Well, not every plan is perfect, so I suppose we could accidentally find Nirgge along the way.

_Cut to Nirgge and the still-ticking Skullak in their cell._

**Skullak**: Okay Nirgge, I've been putting something off that I can do to help us escape, but, I gotta warn you, it might scare you a little bit.

**Nirgge**: You want scary, you should try showering in cell block C. Those guys are animals.

**Skullak**: Alright.

_The bars start rising._

**Skullak**: Here goes.

**Nirgge**: You opened the doors? That wasn't scary at all.

**Skullak**: What? I didn't do that. Somebody on the outside must have done it. Alright, let's go.

_They run off._

**Nirgge**: Freedom, it smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home.

_Cut to Di-Roy, the clean Rey and Charlotte._

**Di-Roy**: There, you are all clean.

**Rey**: Thanks, but you didn't need to spend so much time on the codpiece, Charlotte.

**Charlotte**: A three-coat waxing is just my way of saying I care.

_Cut to Wyoming looking through his sniper rifle at the newly cleaned Rey._

**Wyoming**: Well, there we are, mate.

**Tex**: (_aiming at Wyoming from close range_) Hello Wyoming. Why don't you stop pointing that gun at my friend.

**Wyoming**: Cirucci, good to see you. How's our good friend Omega?

**Tex**: You tell me. He hired you, didn't he?

**Wyoming**: Now how did you know that.

**Tex**: When someone lives in your head for a few years, you get to know him. Where is he.

**Wyoming**: Oh, he'll be along shortly.

_O'Malley cocks a shotgun behind Tex._

**Wyoming**: Very shortly.

**Tex**: Oh crap.

**O'Malley**: (_evil laughter_) Only now do you realize the folley of your idle chit-chat! Evil wins! Hahaha! Good sucks an egg.

**Szayel**: I'm really sorry about this sir- I mean ma'am- I mean miss!

**O'Malley**: Oh shut up.

**Note: Next time we'll be moving into Halo 2 domain. **


	43. Ep 43

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Make Your Time!_

_Fade in on Szayel (O'Malley) standing on an icy precipice._

**O'Malley**: Hahahahahahahahaha. You fools have fallen right in to my hands. Only now, do you realise the folly of your follies, hahaha. Prepare for an oblivion, for which there is no preparation! (_evil laugh_)

**Findor**: O'Malley! The Reds and Blues are working together now! You can't hope to beat us.

**O'Malley**: You fool! My metallic friend is the only ally I need. Dordoni, activate weather control routines.

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ Okay.

_Lightning shoots out of Dordoni, and he becomes surrounded in what look like spinning mystic runes._

**Findor**: Are those runic symbols a sign of some ancient technology?

**Szayel**: No, I used to draw them on my binder during study hall. I always wanted to use them for something. Aren't they cool?

**O'Malley**: Shut up!

**Baraggan**: Oh, Samson's back hair. They found our secret weapon. I developed a weather control device, but I was missing one critical piece of technology to make it work.

**O'Malley**: Hahaha yes. And now that I've located those "D" batteries, the Universe will be mine! Hahahahaha!

**Rey**: Are you serious? You couldn't find D batteries.

**Baraggan**: Only at gas stations, and they're just so darn expensive there.

_Skullak runs up to everyone, still ticking._

**Skullak**: What's going on?

**Baraggan**: You want the long version or the short? Basically you've got a fifty megaton bomb in your gut-

**Findor**: Ten sir.

**Baraggan**: And Dordoni is about to kill us all.

_Nirgge is running up behind Skullak._

**Skullak**: That didn't make any sense, what's the long version?

**Rey**: That was the long version. The short version is "we're boned."

**Findor**: Hey Nirgge, are you okay?

**Nirgge**: I've done hard time, Findor. I'm not the man you used to know.

**Findor**: Hard time? We were only separated for five hours.

**Nirgge**: Time moves slower on the inside, Findor. It seemed like seven or eight hours to me.

_O'Malley fires a rocket overhead that lands behind them. They scatter._

**O'Malley**: You foolish fools will never defeat me! You're far too busy being foolish! Ha! Oblivion is at hand!

**Findor**: Sarge. I have an idea, but I need you to distract him.

**Baraggan**: Will do! (_turns to Nirgge, who's hiding behind the rock with him... again_) Nirgge? I've never believed in you. Not even for a moment. But now, is your chance to prove yourself. To me.

**Nirgge**: What can I do, Sarge?

**Baraggan**: I need you to run right at O'Malley.

**Nirgge**: And shank him with my shiv?

**Baraggan**: No. When he blows you up with the rocket, try to see if you can get your dismembered limbs and guts to clog the barrels of his rocket launcher.

**Nirgge**: You're kidding.

**Baraggan**: It's a remote chance, I know. But it's worth a shot.

**O'Malley**: (_running up to their cozy little rock_) Ahhhhblivion is at hand! (_evil laugh_)

**Szayel**: Cover your ears, guys. This thing is really loud.

**Nirgge**: This is it!

**Findor**: Not so fast, O'Malley! Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can!

_A teleporter portal randomly appears in the middle of the ground, and the Battle Creek soldiers come pouring out of it._

**A Blue Soldier**: Alright, new level, yeah!

**Blue and Red Soldiers**: Whoohoo!

**Findor**: Hey guys, you want your flag?

_The Battle Creek soldiers all look at Findor._

**Findor**: He's the one that has it!

**The Red Zealot**: The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light!

_The Battle Creek soldiers start attacking the hell out of O'Malley._

**O'Malley**: Get away from me! No! Get out, no! Dow!

**Findor**: We need to disarm Skullak's bomb, Sarge.

**Baraggan**: Right.

**Skullak**: (_getting hit by lightning from Dordoni_) Yow, whoohoohoo!

**Baraggan**: Hold still, son, this'll just take a second. (_kneels in front of Skullak_)

**Skullak**: Don't you ever install anything above the waist?

**Baraggan**: Oh no! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off.

**Findor**: Can you do it manually?

**Baraggan**: Impossible. I specifically designed it so that I wouldn't be able to defuse it.

**Nirgge**: Why?

**Baraggan**: In case I fell in to the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the blues.

**Findor**: Nice thinking, sir.

**Nirgge**: You had to get just one last asskiss in before we die, didn't you.

_Cut to the Battle Creek soldiers humping the fallen O'Malley._

**O'Malley**: No nup- that's disgusting, what're you doing?

**Blue Soldier**: Let me try, let me try.

**Red Soldier**: Heh heh heh.

**Another Red Soldier**: Take that dude!

**O'Malley**: I'm being violated!

**Rey**: (_pulling out a rocket launcher_) Skullak, there's only one thing I can do.

**Skullak**: Hehey, what the hell?

**Findor**: There's only twenty seconds left!

**Rey**: If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live.

**Skullak**: But the rocket'll kill me.

**Findor**: Ten seconds.

**Nirgge**: You're gonna die anyway when the bomb goes off!

**Skullak**: What can I tell ya pal, misery loves company.

**Findor**: Five seconds!

**Rey**: Sorry Skullak.

**Skullak**: Man this blows, you guys suck.

_The rocket launcher is shot right out of Rey's hands._

**Rey**: What the hell!?

_Cut to Wyoming on an icy peak._

**Wyoming**: Sorry Private Rey, but I always get my man. Say good bye mate.

**Findor**: Uh guys, I hate to interrupt, but... zero seconds.

**Rey**: Whuh oh.

**Skullak**: What? Oh, son of a-

_Cut to the ringworld halo exploding in a huge white blast that shoots all the way across space. The screen goes white, and a loud ringing beep is audible, shortly to be replaced by a warbling sound as it fades in to a black and white spiral sort of pattern, with the reds and the blues sans Skullak floating in front of it._

**Findor**: What the...

**Baraggan**: The bomb must have gone off.

**Nirgge**: Where are we? Are we dead?

**Di-Roy**: I don't want to be dead! I want to be alive, or, a cowboy.

**Charlotte**: Dead, oh man. Tomorrow was all you can eat day at the chow hall. And I wanted to eat all that I could.

_The spiral pattern is replaced with a stars pattern, still rotating._

**Baraggan**: We're not dead, idiots. We're stuck in some kind of temporal... whoa no! Heads up boys, prepare for impact!

_Screen goes white, then fades in to a shot of the sky with a different targetting reticle._

**Rey**: Gnnmnaugh, what happened?

_Charlotte emerges in shiny new pink armor that looks different than before._

**Charlotte**: Hey, he's awake!

**Nirgge**: I still wanna know why I don't get a laser gun.

**Findor**: Shut up, dumbass.

**Charlotte**: Guys, Rey's awake.

**Findor**: Huh? Hey hey hey, take it easy Rey, you've been out a while.

**Nirgge**: And I thought I was lazy.

**Rey**: What's going on? Who are you people?

**Charlotte**: He has amnesia! REy. Don't worry. You are safe. We're the reds, we are your mortal enemies. Wait. That didn't sound right.

**Di-Roy**: Rey! Rey! I am so glad you are alive.

**Rey**: Di-Roy? Still so dumb, but you look so different.

**Di-Roy**: We're in the future! Things are very shiny here.

**Rey**: The future? Oh I can't fucking wait to hear this one.

**Baraggan**: Obviously Dordoni's weather matrix combined with the power of bomb 21 combined to create an explosion so large, it caused a temporal rift in time, that cascaded throughout the blo-

**Rey**: Whoa whoa wait a second, wait a second. I don't understand.

**Charlotte**: Sarge! Can we do the skit now?

**Di-Roy**: Yeah!

**Findor**: Yes.

**Nirgge**: I don't wanna do that dumb skit.

**Baraggan**: Fine. But only because I wanna see Nirgge be miserable. I miss the old days.

**Charlotte**: Great! Places everyone!

_Everyone scatters off screen._

**Charlotte**: (_clears throat_) The Red vs Blue players present, a Charlotte Chuhlhourne play. Written and directed by Charlotte Chuhlhourne. In association with Light Red Danish Productions.

**Baraggan**: Can we just start?

_Cut to a red curtain on the left, and a blue curtain on the right, that both peel away as if for the theatre._

**Charlotte**: And, action!

**Findor**: Hello weary traveler, we represent the timeline.

**Baraggan**: I am the past, where things cost less, and people knew the value of a hard day's work. But they only lived to be twenty-eight years old.

**Findor**: And I am the future, where people have no morals and no emotions but we have a bunch of kickass gadgets.

**Nirgge**: And I'm the present, which sucks. We have nothing cool, and also no morals.

**Charlotte**: And I am the helpful narrator. A faceless voice used by poor writers.

**Rey**: You have a face... I think.

**Charlotte**: Shut up, audience. You're ruining my play. Everything was fine in the timeline, until one day, in the present...

**Nirgge**: Why does bad stuff always happen in the present?

**Charlotte**: Because that's when people do stuff.

**Baraggan**: Ah, quit yer bitching. I have attrocities and a crapload of wars seemed very important at the time, but now seem trivial and stupid.

**Findor**: Yeah and I've got apocalypse. That's way worse than anything you two dipshits have.

_Baraggan looks at Findor._

**Findor**: Sorry Sir, that "dipshit" was in character.

**Baraggan**: Oh. Well, bravo Findor.

**Charlotte**: One day, in the present, a terrible thing happened.

**Di-Roy**: Enter Stage Left. Hello, I am stupid Private Rey. I am going to set off a big bomb now, and totally mess things up for everyone. Because I am stupid. Turns around. Hello, present. I'm going to set off a bomb in you.

**Nirgge**: Don't do that, stupid Private Rey. That might kill me.

**Di-Roy**: Thinks about this, for a moment.

**Charlotte**: Di-Roy, stop reading your stage directions.

**Di-Roy**: You told me I was supposed to read anything with my name in front of it.

**Charlotte**: Just the lines, not the blocking. You're ruining my big debut!

**Di-Roy**: I do not think we are meshing, artistically. I think you should talk to my agent.

**Nirgge**: This is stupid, I quit.

**Charlotte**: You can't quit! End scene! This has been a Charlotte Chuhlhourne joint.

**Baraggan**: Listen, son. You and your buddy Skullak set off a bomb, which when combined with the weather machinery in Dordoni, made an explosion so large it destroyed the present.

**Rey**: Destroyed the present, then where are we?

**Findor**: We're in the future, numbnuts.

**Rey**: Aren't we in the present right now? Aren't we always in the present?

**Findor**: Unbelievable, he can't cope with the loss. He's in denial.

**Nirgge**: That is so sad.

**Baraggan**: Son, you're just not listenin'. The present has been destroyed. It no longer exists. We are in the future.

**Rey**: Ah-ho, it makes no sense!

**Chalotte**: I'm currently working on a short film to explain it. Tom Cruise has the script, and I hear he's veeery interested.

**Rey**: You're telling me a bomb sent us in to the future.

**Findor**: Yeah, you see luckily Skullak was facing forward when the bomb went off, and we were standing in front of him? So that sent us forward in to the future.

**Rey**: Of course he was facing forward. What other way can people face?

**Findor**: You see? That's what I meant by luckily.

**Rey**: What happened to Skullak?

**Baraggan**: Hmm. Never really thought about him.

**Findor**: Yeah, weird, I- I guess he's dead.

**Baraggan**: Sounds good to me, let's go with that.

**Rey**: He could be hurt, and trapped in the present.

**Baraggan**: That's impossible, son. The present doesn't exist any more. What you're proposing just isn't very good science.

**Rey**: Don't you see? If Skullak was facing forward during the explosion, and that blew us in to the future, that could mean that he was blown backward in to the... oh no!

**Baraggan**: Backwards in to what? A wall? A broom closet?

**Nirgge**: A big rock?

**Di-Roy**: Another big rock!

**Rey**: No! In to the past!

_Cut to Skullak, in all his sixteen-color goodness._

**Skullak**: What the hell? Where the hell am I?


	44. Ep 44

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_We Must Rebuild!_

_Fade in and pan down to Nirgge and Findor and Rey._

**Nirgge**: They destroyed it all, Findor, those damn stupid bastards. They blew it all up! Damn them! Damn them to Hell! Those damn dirty apes!

**Findor**: Calm down Nirgge, we don't know that the whole world is like this.

**Nirgge**: Yes it is, they destroyed it all. I guess the society of men just wasn't meant to survive.

**Findor**: Hey how 'bout this: how 'bout we explore, more than two square miles, before we jump to any conclusions.

**Nirgge**: It was definitely nuclear weapons, that's what did it. And the explosions caused massive power outages which caused the failsafe to fail, which released a super bacteria from a secret lab.

**Findor**: Oh come on.

**Nirgge**: That caused a huge plague, and as the victims died, they rose from the dead twelve hours later to roam the Earth and feast on human flesh.

**Findor**: What?

**Nirgge**: A handful of gritty survivors from all walks of life were able to keep the legions of the infected radioactive undead at bay, using only their wits, and an inexplicable comprehension of agricultural science and engineering. Everything was looking good... and that's when the meteor hit.

**Findor**: I think you just quoted every crappy Hollywood apocalypse movie ever.

**Rey**: Naw. Hollywood doesn't understand apocalypse. They think that just one thing from everyday life goes away and that changes everything. Like in Road Warrior it was gas, and in Waterworld it was land.

**Findor**: What went away in The Matrix?

**Rey**: Sunlight.

**Nirgge**: I thought the missing element was plot.

**Rey**: I'm talkin about Matrix One.

**Findor**: Oh right.

**Nirgge**: Face it Findor, the age of man is done.

**Findor**: If all that happened, then were are the zombies? Why aren't they still around?

**Nirgge**: The meteor killed them!

**Findor**: And what about the super bacteria?

**Nirgge**: It was infected by alien bacteria brought by the meteor, and was wiped out in a massive bacteria on bacteria plague. Very ironic.

**Findor**: Okay, then why haven't we been infected by the new alien bacteria?

**Nirgge**: It only infects other bacteria. Are you even listening to me?

**Rey**: Do you guys ever get anything done, or you do you just stand around and talk all day?

**Nirgge**: We don't get paid enough to do stuff.

**Rey**: But what about Skullak, idiot? How're we gonna get him from the past to the future?

**Nirgge**: I guess he can just wait. That's how it usually works.

**Rey**: But when he gets to the present, he'll just be destroyed like everything else.

**Findor**: Well, he'll just have to fix it on his own then.

**Nirgge**: And if he's successful, he'll get to live through the coolest apocalypse of all time!

**Baraggan**: Findor, Nirgge, get yer keesters over here.

_Cut to Charlotte and Di-Roy standing next to what seems at first glance to be a jeep, but could really be anything in the future day and age._

**Di-Roy**: Look what I found.

**Charlotte**: I found it!

**Di-Roy**: Look at what I took credit for finding.

**Baraggan**: A-mazing that these two actually accomplished something.

**Nirgge**: It looks like some kind of an alien transport mechanism that could be used to-

**Findor**: Or, it's a jeep.

**Nirgge**: You have no imagination.

**Baraggan**: Hmmm, let me see if I can get this thing working.

**Findor**: How? There's no parts. And what're you gonna use for fuel?

**Baraggan**: Nirgge was right, Findor. You don't have any imagination.

**Nirgge**: Thank you sir.

**Baraggan**: Shut up, scumbag, we're not having a moment.

**Rey**: Hey. We need to find Skullak.

**Baraggan**: He's dead, son. Why haven't you given up hope yet and just moved on.

**Rey**: It's only been a couple of hours!

**Baraggan**: Well this should make you feel better. When his body blasted in to smithereens, at least he took all our enemies with him.

_Cut to a beach, with a sign saying "Danger: No Swimming" with a picture of a shark on it._

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ Warning. Error. Error. Warning. Error. Error. I cannot feel my body... (_as if winding down_)

**O'Malley**: (_evil laugh_) Don't worry, my metallic friend. You'll be up and about in no time. Muhahahaha. Muhhh-hahaha-heh. U-ha! Haw. Ha-ha. Uhngh. (_cough_) Hah!


	45. Ep 45

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_New Toys!_

_Fade in to a miscellaneous shot of wherever the Reds, Di-Roy and Rey are._

**Baraggan**: Charlotte, hold the light right there. No, not on me, on that. Why would I need the light, on my face?

_Cut to Baraggan and Charlotte lying under the jeep, mechanic-style._

**Charlotte**: Hey Sarge, what's that metal thing that looks like a bunny!? Ooh, ooh, and what's that other metal thing that looks like a soup can?

**Baraggan**: Don't touch anything, Charlotte. Okay fellas, I think I've got it. Give her a crank. ...Guys? ...Hey, what in tarnation are you knuckleheads doing up there?

_Cut to Findor and Rey._

**Findor**: No, I don't think getting new rims for the jeep's a good idea.

**Nirgge**: (_in the driver seat of the jeep_) Oh come on! If we all kick in, we can get some spinners, some kickass subs, hydraulics!

**Rey**: I'm in.

**Findor**: Why?

**Nirgge**: Uh, for style?

**Rey**: For chicks!

**Findor**: What chicks, there's noone for miles. We don't even know if anyone's still alive.

**Nirgge**: What, suddenly you're a pessimist?

**Rey**: Yeah, but if we do find some women, we will literally be the last men on Earth for them.

**Nirgge**: He's right.

**Rey**: All my life I've had girls tell me, "not if you were the last man on Earth," haha. Well that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweetass pimped out ride, bitch.

**Baraggan**: (_standing up_) If you ladies are through gossipping, I could use some help fixing our vehicle.

**Nirgge**: Oh yeah, right, here let me try.

_Sounds of the jeep starting up, then it moves a foot or two and grinds to a stop._

**Baraggan**: Wait!

**Charlotte**: (_still under the jeep_) Ya-ya-yaaaoouwwwww!

**Baraggan**: Charlotte, are you okay?

**Charlotte**: I was just, petting, the bunny. And then it went in to the soup can... and part of my hand went with it.

**Baraggan**: (_lying back down_) Gehrururur...

**Rey**: Bunny and hand soup, just like Mom used to make.

**Baraggan**: Charlotte, I told you not to touch anything. You touched everything! That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!

_Findor hops up in the passenger seat of the jeep._

**Nirgge**: Hey, what're you doing?

**Findor**: What does it look like I'm doing, I'm getting in the jeep.

**Nirgge**: What're we, on a date? Get in the back.

**Findor**: Oh you're so insecure.

**Baraggan**: (_standing back up_) Will you two shut up? We need to get this thing fixed.

**Charlotte**: I feel dizzy, Sarge...

**Baraggan**: Oh, that's just blood loss. You'll make new blood, you just need some orange juice.

**Rey**: What's the rush on getting this thing fixed, anyway?

**Baraggan**: Listen dirtbag, I know on Blue Team you like to lollygag a bit-

**Rey**: There is no Blue Team. It's all a lie. Red and Blue are the same.

**Nirgge**: Aw, don't start that crap again.

**Findor**: You sound like a conspiracy nut when you talk about that stuff. The government put a chip in my brain.

**Nirgge**: The President can hear my thoughts.

**Charlotte**: We never landed on the sun.

**Nirgge**: (_sharp inhale_) They put fluoride in my water!

**Findor**: Actually, that one's true.

**Nirgge**: It is? No wonder I listen to so much pop music.

**Baraggan**: We're fixing the jeep because we need to be prepared. Just as our enemies are no doubt preparing to attack us at this very moment.

**Rey**: But you guys think I'm your enemy, and I'm not preparing to do anything. 'Cept get L-A-I-D.

**Findor**: ...

**Nirgge**: ...

**Rey**: Laid.

**Nirgge**: Yeah, we can spell. We just think that was fucking weak.

_Cut to Szayel, O'Malley, and Dorodni's head in some sort of base._

**O'Malley**: (_maniacal laughter_) Yes, this place will do nicely for an evil lair. It's diabolically designed!

**Szayel**: As a student of feng-shui, I can tell you this house is 88% good luck. Also, very breezy. I like the floorplan.

**O'Malley**: Quiet you fool.

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ I just want my own room. I hate sharing with the vacuum.

**O'Malley**: Hello? Is anyone home? Don't be alarmed, we're only here to kill you and take all your possessions. Excellent! No doubt our very presence, has scared everyone away! (_evil laugh_)

**Szayel**: Why don't we just see if this place is listed by a licensed real estate agent?

**O'Malley**: Oh shut up!

**Szayel**: But we don't even know if it's been inspected recently. It could need foundation work.

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ It could have mold.

**O'Malley**: Both of you shut up. We're moving in and that's final. It has machine gun turrets, two living quarters with ample closet space, and a short commute to my secret laboratory! ...It's perfect.

**Szayel**: Yeah, but what about the school district?

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ We have no children.

**Szayel**: It's important to think about resale value, Dordoni.

**O'Malley**: Resale value? Our plan is to rule the world! Not make prudent investments.

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ It's important to have a fallback plan.

**O'Malley**: Oh shut up. We're moving in, that's final.

**Szayel**: Hey look, a computer! Now I can finally update my blog.

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ You have a blog?

**Szayel**: Yeahah, it's great. It's just like being a real journalist, but without all the hassle of like liability and accuracy.

**O'Malley**: No, I need that computer for compiling evil formulas. And to rebuild the weather machine. Also to download music. (_evil laugh_)

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ Does anyone want a g-mail invite?

**Szayel**: Ooh, I do!

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ I only have 40,000. It's very exclusive.

**O'Malley**: Where's the mouse thingy?

**Szayel**: It has one of those red rubber dot thingies on the keyboard. That's way better than a mouse. I call it a nubben. Who wants to touch my nubben?


	46. Ep 46

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_We're Being Watched!_

_Fade in on Szayel/O'Malley behind a turret._

**O'Malley**: Yeeees, this place is coming along nicely. Excellent work repairing the turrets, Dordoni.

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ Thank you. I find manual labor stimulating.

**Szayel**: I still say a flowerbox would have been a bit more neighborly.

**O'Malley**: Oh shut up you fool!

**Szayel**: Hey, we should start a neighborhood association. It's just like a government, but run by housewives and old people. So it's a lot more efficient at controlling your lives.

**O'Malley**: Get out of my head!

**Szayel**: Technically it's my head. But I don't mind sharing. Don't you remember that talk we had about sharing?

**O'Malley**: Shut up!

_Cut to a strange red soldier running toward ...something._

**Red Zealot**: At last! My pilgrimage is over! I have reached the promised land!

**O'Malley**: (_running to the ledge, through the fan_) Who is that. Oh no. Not this buffoon! How did he get here?

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ He probably was blown nearby by the bomb.

**O'Malley**: Hellooooo. What do you want?

**Red Zealot**: The disembodied voice of God! (_kneels_) I hear you Holy One! I have made it to the temple and await your command!

**O'Malley**: Up here- Helloooo. Red Moron. Eyes up, chop-chop!

**Red Zealot**: Oh. Greetings! Are you the gatekeeper of the temple?

**Szayel**: Us? No, we just moved in. Can you help us move a couch? And do you know any good restaurants nearby?

**O'Malley**: Just a second. (_To Szayel_) Listen you fool, let me handle this.

**Szayel**: I don't know, you haven't been the best choice when it comes to making friends. Maybe I should try.

**O'Malley**: Nonsense! With the proper handling, this fellow will make an excellent stooge. And I'm the one here with the most experience training Stooges. Isn't that right, Lopez...

**Dordoni**: Nyuk, nyuk.

**O'Malley**: You see!?

**Szayel**: Okay, you can handle this, but I get to hang my motivational posters in the living room. Hang in there kitty!

**O'Malley**: Fine. But I'm telling you that cat will never make it to Friday. (_To courtyard_) Yes, I am the guardian of the temple. What do you want?

**Red Zealot**: I have travelled great distances, in search of enlightenment!

**O'Malley**: Reaaally, that's perfect. We have tons of that in here, but listen. We just can't let anyone in who wants to get in, so goodbye.

**Red Zealot**: Wait! I will do anything. Just tell me what I need to do to gain entrance.

**Szayel**: Psst, ask him what he knows about gardening.

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ Ask him if we can have his shoulders.

**Szayel**: Maybe he knows how to use that computer we found.

_The gate opens, in a very bizarre, unnecessarily cinematic graphical sequence._

**O'Malley**: Alright then come on in. We'll think of something, (_evil laughter_) (_more evil laughter_) (_even more evil laughter_) (_still more evil laughter_)

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ Tone it down. You're going to blow it.

**O'Malley**: (_yet again, more evil laughter_)

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ OK, now that's just too much.

_In the distance, someone hides behind a pillar._

**O'Malley**: What was that? (_turning away slowly_) Hmm... (_turning back quickly_) Aha! Heh? (_turning away_) Hmm, a-ha! ...Minding my own business, slowly walking away and HAA, I got you! (_turns around_). ...Oh forget it.

_Cut to Findor and Nirgge walking by a convenient skull._

**Baraggan**: Nirgge, Findor, where've you two been?

**Findor**: Our patrol didn't go exactly as planned, Sarge.

**Baraggan**: Did you find something? Wait a minute, where's the jeep?

**Nirgge**: Yeeaah, it's like this.

**Baraggan**: Nirgge... I just built that jeep, I don't want to hear that it's been destroyed.

**Nirgge**: Oh, well then maybe I should stop talking. Or you can stop listening.

**Baraggan**: Nirgge!

**Findor**: Nonono it's not destroyed Sarge, the engine just quit.

**Baraggan**: And what exactly were you doing when the engine died?

**Nirgge**: Duh, getting the jeep outta the ditch.

**Baraggan**: What was the jeep doing in a ditch?

**Nirgge**: Well I can tell you what it wasn't doing, and that's re-enacting the coolest scene from The Dukes of Hazzard ever.

**Baraggan**: Rrrrrrrrrrrrr.

**Nirgge**: Findor was driving.

**Findor**: No I wasn't, I was holding the arrows and the dynamite!

_Cut to the three of them looking at the jeep._

**Baraggan**: Wait a second, this thing isn't busted, it's just outta gas.

**Nirgge**: It runs on gas?

**Baraggan**: Of course not moron, where are we gonna get gasoline? I modified the fuel cells to utilize a form of cold fission, powered by solar energy.

**Findor**: So then why is it dead, sir?

**Baraggan**: You would have had to park it in the shade for at least two hours. What were you doing parked in the shade for two hours?

**Nirgge**: Well I can tell you what we weren't doing...

**Baraggan**: Ah, forget it. Come on, help me push this thing in the sunlight. One, two, three!

_Baraggan and Findor push the jeep, Nirgge faces the other way and doesn't help at all._

**Findor**: Hurrrr...

**Baraggan**: Hurrrrniaaa.

**Nirgge**: Hurr. Man this thing weighs a ton. Holy crap. Wowzers.

**Findor**: Dumbass.

**Nirgge**: Oh right.

_They all push it in to the sun._

**Baraggan**: Hurrrr.

**Nirgge**: Stupid jeep.

**Baraggan**: Nirgge, what happened to this fender?

**Nirgge**: It was like that when we took it out!

**Baraggan**: And where's the hubcap?

**Nirgge**: Man, this neighborhood's really going to crap.

**Baraggan**: I gotta buy those in sets of four, numbnuts.

**Findor**: The jeep's getting power.

_The jeep gets power, just like Findor predicted, and that same stupid song starts playing._

**Baraggan**: Turn that crap off.

_Music stops, radio sounds are heard._

**Tex**: (_over the radio_) Come in, does anyone hear me? Over.

**Baraggan**: What the, who's that?

**Tex**: (_over the radio_) This is Freelancer Tex, looking for anyone from the Blood Gulch Outposts, do you read. Over.

**Nirgge**: It's that mean chick from the Blue Team.

**Findor**: Hang up on her.

**Baraggan**: Good idea.

**Tex**: (_over the radio_) I have found O'Malley's base. I repeat, I have found O'Malley's base.

**Baraggan**: O'Malley? Son of a-

**Findor**: Where is she?

**Tex**: (_over the radio_) They seem to be holed up in some kind of a fortress. I'm not sure how I got here or how they built it, but if you can read this, I need you to get to me as fast as you can.

_Nirgge and Findor talk over her transmission._

**Nirgge**: Maybe we could use the radio to triangulate her position.

**Findor**: How? We only have one radio. We would need a third point to triangulate.

**Nirgge**: Okay, well let's just pick a point between her and us.

**Findor**: What? That's not a triangle you idiot, that's a line!

**Nirgge**: Right, a line that we'll follow straight to Tex! It's the perfect mathematical plan!

**Findor**: Hey Nirgge, why don't you just stick to criticizing other people's ideas, instead of coming up with your own.

**Nirgge**: It does seem to be my talent.

**Baraggan**: I could simulate a third radio by using some of this sand, and the heat from the jeep's tailpipe to make an enormous refractory lens. And then-

**Nirgge**: Or we could just listen to the coordinates she's sending.

**Tex**: (_over the radio_) My coordinates are two two niner delta, by one point three seven gamma.

_They talk over her again._

**Findor**: Uh yeah, we could do that too. ...What's wrong Sarge?

**Baraggan**: (_sigh_) Nothing.

**Findor**: You really wanted to make the lens, didn't you.

**Baraggan**: You're damn right!

**Findor**: Well we can make it later, when we have more time.

**Baraggan**: Awwww, don't patronize me.

**Tex**: (_over the radio_) I need you guys to come right away. Or better yet, send someone who can fight.


	47. Ep 47

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_It's a Biological Fact!_

_Fade in on the Boys and Tex outside O'malley's base near the warthog._

**Tex**: What took you guys so long to get here?

**Findor**: There's six of us, and this is only a three seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.

**Charlotte**: It was a great road trip. My favourite part was when Nirgge tried to change gears, and he accidentally-

**Nirgge**: Hugh, please, let's not tell the story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?

**Baraggan**: What you find, Tex?

**Tex**: Well, O'Malley's holed up in his fortress. He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days now, and he's got some help, one of those religious nuts you guys picked up.

**Di-Roy**: Oh, I like them. They were funny.

**Rey**: Di-Roy, they tried to kill you because of a flag.

**Di-Roy**: I try not to remember the bad things about people.

**Rey**: That's all they tried to do, there were no good things.

**Di-Roy**: That's okay. I have a really bad memory-wow look, a beach!

**Baraggan**: Shut up Di-Roy. What's yer plan, Tex?

_As Tex explains her plan, we see a nice, majestic, panoramic view of O'Malley's base, like it's a movie or something._

**Tex**: Well first we have to breach the outer wall.

**Di-Roy**: Oh. I love breaching!

**Tex**: Then, we have to get past another wall.

**Nirgge**: Two walls? Some people are so materialistic.

**Tex**: The second wall has a guard tower, and an enormous razor-sharp spinning blade.

**Findor**: What that thing? It's spinning like two miles an hour.

**Tex**: I didn't say it'd be hard to get past. After that, we have to pass the gun turrets, and break in to the building.

**Baraggan**: And then we attack O'Malley.

**Tex**: No. That's when we plant, this.

**Di-Roy**: ...We're planting a volleyball.

**Tex**: It's not a ball, it's a bomb.

**Di-Roy**: We're planting a volleybomb?

**Tex**: I've scouted a location inside the base where we can set it off and take the whole place down. I marked the spot with a big X.

**Rey**: You scouted it.

**Tex**: Yeah.

**Rey**: If you got past the two walls, the huge spinning blade, the gun turrets, and made it all the way in to the fortress, why didn't you just plant the bomb then instead of putting a big X on the floor?

**Tex**: ...I can't carry it.

**Nirgge**: What?

**Findor**: What was that?

**Tex**: It's too heavy, okay? You happy?

**Nirgge**: Yeah kinda.

**Tex**: I need one of you idiots to carry it. I don't have the upper body strength to move it on my own.

**Nirgge**: See, girls act like they're so tough, but the first time they need someone to move a couch, who do they call.

**Tex**: ...

**Nirgge**: Please don't kill me.

**Baraggan**: (_walking to the volleybomb_) Ahh, go ahead and kill him. We could use the armor for spare parts. Here, this thing doesn't look so heavy, let me t-yooo that thing ain't movin'!

**Di-Roy**: I can carry it.

**Tex**: I guarantee you'll need two people.

**Rey**: No it's true, he's got crazy strength. Skullak and I think it's God's way of compensating.

**Di-Roy**: (_lifting the bomb_) See...

**Baraggan**: Great Paul's Bunyan, he's like an ox.

**Di-Roy**: But I have no horns... or lumberjack friends.

**Nirgge**: Come on, no way it can be that bad. Let me give it a-

_Di-Roy hands over the bomb to Nirgge, who promptly drops it._

**Nirgge**: Wheaugh! Hugh. Okay, you can carry it.

**Baraggan**: Alright, then we'll storm in there, blow up O'Malley, leave Nirgge for dead, and maybe find some clues about what happened to Skullak and Dordoni.

**Tex**: You mean your robot? He's in there with him.

**Baraggan**: Dordoni is in the building?

_Cut to the Dordoni's head and Szayel/O'Malley/Baron Von Evil Satan._

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ That red guy is really starting to get on my nerves.

**Szayel**: He keeps asking me if I've accepted the flag as my saviour. I'm just not comfortable talking about religion in the workplace.

**O'Malley**: Oh no, here he comes.

**Red Zealot**: Master, Headmaster, I have finished the duties you assigned me.

**O'Malley**: You polished all the curtains?

**Red Zealot**: Yes! And the ammunition too! It was like cleaning the impurities from my very essence!

**O'Malley**: What about the evil windmill?

**Red Zealot**: I greased the engine and filled it with gas. It was like giving my own soul a tune-up!

**O'Malley**: Yes yes, alright fine. Why don't you see about patching up some of these holes in the walls. I think there's some sinister spackle in the toolshed.

**Red Zealot**: Excellent idea, Sir. It will probably help keep out that crowd of people that's been gathering on the beach.

**O'Malley**: Yes of course, all the people on the beach, blah blah blah blah blah. Wait. What did he say?

_Cut back to Tex and everyone else, with Charlotte fucking around in the jeep._

**Tex**: Wait let me get this straight. The biggest threat we know of is in that building, and you don't want me to blow it up?

**Findor**: We can't, we needDordoni's head. It has valuable information stored in it.

**Tex**: Sorry, I'm going with the bomb. But hey, here's an idea, maybe you could find your buddy's head in the rubble when we're done.

**Nirgge**: Come on, we can't lift a bomb but we can dig through rubble?

**Tex**: Sorry, but there is no way I'm letting O'Malley get away this time.

**Rey**: Just hire her.

**Nirgge**: What?

**Rey**: Hire her to help you get Dordoni back. She'll do anything for money.

**Tex**: That's not true.

**Rey**: It's not? I'll give you ten bucks to tear off Nirgge's arm.

**Tex**: Which one's Nirgge?

**Tucker**: See, she's not even really on the Blue Team. She was just paid to come help us.

**Nirgge**: (_pointing at Findor_) He's Nirgge.

**Findor**: How do we pay her, we don't even have any money. We don't even know what money is in the future.

**Nirgge**: Yeah, they could have shells, or laser beams for currency.

**Findor**: Laser beams?

**Nirgge**: Hyeah. That would be the coolest wallet ever.

**Rey**: Why don't you trade her a favour?

**Nirgge**: Huh?

**Rey**: Have her do this for you, and then you guys owe her a favour. That's how these freelancers get stuff done, right?

**Tex**: That'll work. I'll help you, and then the two of you have to do something for me.

**Findor**: Okay, we'll do it.

**Nirgge**: Wait just a second. What would we have to do...

**Tex**: It all depends.

**Nirgge**: Depends on what.

**Tex**: Onnn, what I need. To do some future job.

**Nirgge**: But, it could be anything.

**Tex**: That's right, anything.

**Nirgge**: ... ... ...Like gay stuff?

**Tex**: I have no idea.

**Nirgge**: Well can we rule out the gay stuff?

**Charlotte**: Hey, how come I never get to help?

_Cut to Di-Roy holding the bomb in front of Baraggan, for no particular reason._

**Sarge**: No, no, what're you doin'? Don't lift with your legs, your back's the strongest muscle in your body. And look man, your knees aren't even locked, how do you expect to stand up straight? Come on, put your groin in to it. And stop exhaling on every lift. The goal is to hold your breath as long as possible. Under stress, the body produces all the oxygen it needs. Herrrr. Groin it out.

**Di-Roy**: Can't I just pick this up when we are ready to go?

**Baraggan**: Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

_Di-Roy drops the bomb._

**Di-Roy**: Ahhhh...

**Tex**: Okay, we're ready to go!

**Di-Roy**: Crap.


	48. Ep 48

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Heavy Metal!_

_Baraggan talking to various dirtbags._

**Baraggan**: Okay, listen up dirtbags. If we're gonna invade this fortress, we need a good gameplan. I have got two options we can use.

_Cut to a black and white re-enactment of Baraggan's plan._

**Baraggan**: Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. The enemy will be so flabberghasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we'll already be inside.

_Cut back to Baraggan and the dirtbags._

**Rey**: Oh yeah right, they're not gonna get surprised, they're just gonna start mowing us down.

**Baraggan**: That's the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front. So if we order from least important to most important, with Rey being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.

**Findor**: Don't you think Di-Roy should be in the back, since he's the one carrying the bomb?

**Baraggan**: Nope, Di-Roy is in front of me. We need someone in back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.

**Rey**: How're you gonna know if it's not working?

**Baraggan**: If Di-Roy dies, I'll know we're in trouble, and immediately abort.

**Di-Roy**: (_holding the bomb_) I think that's a good plan.

**Nirgge**: Sarge, while that's the most retarded idea I've ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.

**Baraggan**: Don't get misty, Francine. We'll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.

_Cut to a black and white re-enactment of Nirgge's lifeless corpse riding up on the windmill._

******Nirgge**'s lifeless corpse: Bleah!

_Cut back to Baraggan addressing the audience._

**Baraggan**: I think we can all agree given our current situation, it's the perfect plan.

_Nobody responds_

**Baraggan**: Okay, well let me tell you about my other plan. Using parts from the Warthog-

**Nirgge**: (_to Tex_) I'm hoping you've got a better idea.

**Baraggan**: (_under Nirgge's line_) We build what I like to call "the Nirgge Cannon."

**Nirgge**: Hoh man...

**Baraggan**: Utilizing the power of the Nirgge Cannon, we make a Nirgge-sized hole in the outer wall. ...Or we paint it a very disgusting color.

_Cut to O'Malley ranting about something._

**O'Malley**: Hahaha, fools. They don't stand a chance against us, hahaha. Do they men?

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ No. We will crush them.

**Red Zealot**: The Flag is on our side. We will be victorious!

**O'Malley**: Stupendous! To your battle stations, on to crushing victory! The fools don't stand a chance against our might! Muahahaa.

**Red Zealot and Dordoni**: ...

**O'Malley**: What're you still doing there?

**Red Zealot**: I forget. Which battle station is mine? I'm still learning my way around the fortress.

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ I need someone to carry me. I have no torso.

_Cut to Baraggan on a ramp, talking over radio sounds for a bit._

**Baraggan**: Okay, is everyone ready? Charlotte, Di-Roy and I will move the bomb down the staircase and along the left side of the base.

**Di-Roy**: (_holding the bomb and talking as if he's in labor_) Please hurry, I don't know how much longer I can talk like this.

**Charlotte**: Man that does look heavy. You really should consider wearing some kind of supportive undergarment.

**Di-Roy**: U-no thanks. I can do it.

**Charlotte**: Come on now, don't be shy. You can borrow one of mine! I'm thinking something with lace. Lace is totally in right now!

_Cut to a random sniper rifle._

**Rey**: Ooh, sniper rifle!

**Tex**: (_taking it_) I got it.

**Rey**: Fuck.

_Cut to Findor and Nirgge doing something._

**Findor**: Copy that Sarge.

**Baraggan**: Findor, you and the two bullet magnets move up the right side and try to cause some kind of distraction.

**Findor**: Any suggestions?

**Baraggan**: As long as it draws their fire away from us and towards you I don't care.

**Charlotte**: Try some dance moves! Oh! You could do a musical number!

**Baraggan**: Get off the radio, Charlotte!

**Findor**: Alright, looks like we're on our own guys. Tex, how does it look from up there?

_Pans up to Tex who's actually in a reasonable tactical position._

**Tex**: I don't see any movement... but the guns are definitely online.

**Rey**: You know what, I miss the old days, when we didn't risk our lives, and you guys were all just a bunch of nameless assholes I would yell at with Skullak.

**Nirgge**: It's okay. We hate you too man.

**Baraggan**: Okay, let's move out!

_Cut to O'Malley looking down on them from his high vantage point in the fortress of EVIL!_

**O'Malley**: Huhah, here they come. Get ready.

_Cut to The Red Zealot taking up one of the turrets._

**Red Zealot**: Prepare to be cleansed, infidels!

_Cut to Dordoni's head on the other turret._

**Dordoni**:_(Spanish)_ I will not let them cross the border.

_Cut to Findor and the bullet magnets in a cave or something._

**Findor**: Alright, so far so good. Sarge, we are in position.

_Cut to Baraggan in front of a sign that says Camp Froman._

**Baraggan**: Roger that. We are also in position. No sign of the enemy.

**Charlotte**: Mahan, this is the easiest fortress invading mission, of all time.

**Di-Roy**: Maybe for you, this thing is heavy, for me. (_drops the bomb_)

_As Di-Roy drops the enormously heavy bomb, drawing the Red Zealot's attention._

**Baraggan**: Careful with that thing, Di-Roy!

**Charlotte**: Uh... Sarge?

**Baraggan**: You could blow us all to smithereens!

**Charlotte**: Sarge, I'm pretty sure that guy up there with the gun, sees us.

**Baraggan**: You wanna blow people to smithereens, at least make sure Nirgge is nearby.

**Charlotte**: Duck!

_Red Zealot opens fire._

**Baraggan**: What the?

**Di-Roy**: A duck? Where? I love ducks.

**Baraggan**: Get down, idiot.

_Cut to Dordoni somehow firing on the bullet magnets._

**Nirgge**: We're under fire, Sarge we're under fire!

**Baraggan**: Good! Now jump up and draw them off.

**Rey**: What'd he say?

**Nirgge**: He was breaking up. I think he said something about staying here, and not doing anything risky.

**Findor**: Tex, see what you can do about that gun!

**Tex**: You got it.

_Tex shoots the Dordoni head off his gun._

**Tex**: Hyeah, headshot!

**Nirgge**: Nice shooting, Tex.

**Findor**: Rey. You and Tex head up across that bridge. Try to take out that other turret. We'll head in to the base and see if we can find O'Malley.

**Rey**: Why do I have to go up against a machine gun, and you guys get to go play hide and seek?

**Findor**: The guy we're seeking has a rocket launcher.

**Rey**: Oh, right. Uh, have fun doing that.

_Cut to Baraggan and co._

**Baraggan**: Di-Roy, we'll hold them off from up here. You take the bomb and try to sneak in the front of the base.

**Di-Roy**: Okay.

**Charlotte**: Wow, Sarge. You actually decided to sacrifice yourself for someone else!

**Baraggan**: Quiet Charlotte! I'm gonna need your help. When the turrets kill Di-Roy, I'm gonna need you to carry the bomb in to the base.

_Cut to Tex and Rey at the big windmill thing._

**Tex**: I can't see him from here. Let's move out. (_runs across the fan_)

**Rey**: Okay, but jus- (_falls down behind the fan_) Whoahoa! Ah!

**Tex**: Rey! Are you okay?

**Rey**: Yeah I'm okay, I dropped down in to some kind of hole. Can you give me a hand?

**Tex**: Oh. Let me take out this turret. I'll be back for you later.

**Rey**: What is that? Hoaho, what the hell is this?

_Cut to Findor and Nirgge at the other giant fan thingie._

**Findor**: Okay Nirgge, we just need to jump through here.

**Nirgge**: Okay, go for it.

**Findor**: Me? Why me first?

**Nirgge**: Because, I don't wanna die?

**Findor**: But this thing's moving super slow. See?

_Ten seconds later the fan blade goes by, complete with huge WHOOSH sound._

**Nirgge**: Nice knowing you Findor.

_Cut to Baraggan._

**Baraggan**: No, shoot the guy with the bomb! You're ruining the plan!

**Tex**: I'm pinned down, I need assistance!

**Rey**: (_arriving next to the Red Zealot_) Hey asshole. (_flips out some glowing blade thing_)

**Red Zealot**: Heuh?

_Rey steps forward and slices the Red Zealot in the groin, sending him flying off the base to land on the ground below, on his face._

**Red Zealot**: My quest is over... I can see the flag... It's so, flappy... Hegh-bleahhhh

**Tex**: Hey, where'd you get that?

**Rey**: I dunno, I found it in the hole. Pretty cool. Look what I can do. (_swings it in the air_)

**Tex**: Hey, you wanna trade it for the sniper rifle?

**Rey**: No thanks, I'm good.

_Cut to Di-Roy wandering around aimlessly._

**Di-Roy**: X. I'm looking for an X._(Shows the X Tex made) _That, is a plus sign. Not an X. I need to find an X.

**Skullak**: (_from nowhere_) Hello? Di-Roy, is that you? Can you hear me?

**Di-Roy**: Skullak?


	49. Ep 49

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Roaming Charges!_

_Fade in to Skullak in the past._

**Skullak**: Okay, think Skullak. The bomb went off, you got knocked out, you woke up, and you were here. Question is, where is here?

_A wall raises, and Skullak moves past it to a computer._

**Computer**: Hello. you are early.

**Skullak**: Me?

**Computer**: you are not supposed to be here for another 1,856 years.

**Skullak**: What is this place?

**Computer**: This is the housing facility for the great weapon. I am the keeper of the great weapon. You are the great destroyer. You will demolish this facility, kill me, steal the great weapon, and bring about the great doom for billions of people. ... welcome! How may I be of assistance?

**Skullak**: What're you talking about?

**Computer**: Your coming has been foretold by the great prophecy.

**Skullak**: Does your society have any other adjectives besides great?

**Computer**: The great prophecy warns the great destoyer will be a blue being.

**Skullak**: And you think that's me.

**Computer**: The blue being will be known as the stupidest life form in the universe.

**Skullak**: Wait a second, this destroyer guy. He dresses like me, but he's dumber than anyone else in existence.

**Computer**: Correct.

**Skullak**: Oh crap.

_1,856 years in the future._

_Cut to unarmed Di-Roy._

**Di-Roy**: Mister Sargeant! Mister Sargeant! Come quick!

**Baraggan**: You'd better have a damn good reason for interrupting our search. Can't you see this is an extremely organized and highly motivated operation!

_2 minutes before that._

_Cut to Nirgge and Findor._

**Nirgge**: Yeah I'm bored, I wanna stop doing whatever it is I'm pretending to be doing.

**Baraggan**: You're supposed to be helping me look for Dordoni, meat sack. You said you saw him up here.

**Nirgge**: We saw his head.

**Baraggan**: Just the head?

**Nirgge**: Yeah, it was operating the right turret.

**Baraggan**: How was he pullin' the triggers?

**Findor**: He's very determined.

**Baraggan**: You're sure it was Dordoni.

**Nirgge**: Well, I heard screaming in Spanish, and bullets flying through the air, so either that was Dordoni, or this is Mexican New Year.

**Baraggan**: Well where's his head now?

**Findor**: I don't know, Tex shot it. Hey, Tex!

**Tex**: What?

**Findor**: When you shotDordoni's head, where did it go?

**Tex**: How do I know?

**Findor**: Are you sure you hit it?

**Tex**: ...

**Findor**: I mean is it possible that you missed?

**Tex**: ...

**Findor**: I mean just this one time, it doesn't say anything about your overall skill level.

**Tex**: ...

**Findor**: Yeah, she says she doesn't know.

_Cut to Rey with his big blue bladey thing, and Charlotte with his crappy little gun._

**Charlotte**: Wow, that's sweet! I like the glowing part. Wh-h does it make cool noises when you swing it?

**Rey**: I don't think so... no, wait, is "whoosh" a noise? Because if it is then it does, it goes whoosh whoosh, whshsh, whshthsh, whithishsh, wh-kch, chchchchc, whshsshh, hhshshsh ing, ching, whsch, wheouw. (_swings the blade a couple times, making it whoosh in the air_) See?

**Charlotte**: And you found that in a hole?

**Rey**: Yeah dude I was just walking along, following Tex, not really paying attention you know. I fell in some hole. And uh, Tex didn't help me out, she figured she was better off without me, and that's when I found this.

**Charlotte**: You know, most people would tell that story in a way that makes it sound a little better.

**Rey**: Yeah but, you know, that's not really my style.

**Charlotte**: Man, I've never found something that cool in a hole. And I've explored just about every hole you can think of!

**Rey**: Hey dude, do me a favor and don't talk like that when I'm playing with my thing.

_Cut to the reds (but not pinky) in a hallway._

**Baraggan**: Di-Roy, what're you yammerin' about? Did you find Dordoni?

**Di-Roy**: Someone meaner!

**Baraggan**: O'Malley?

**Di-Roy**: Meaner!

**Nirgge**: You found someone meaner than the guy trying to destroy the universe.

**Di-Roy**: Yes!

**Skullak**: (_in the console behind a BSOD_) Di-Roy, is that you? Can you hear me?

**Di-Roy**: See? It's Skullak. And he's meaner than ever!

**Skullak**: Di-Roy, is that you? Can you hear me?

**Di-Roy**: Skullak. I can hear you. Can you hear me.

**Skullak**: Di-Roy, is that you? Can you hear me?

**Di-Roy**: Skullak. I can hear you. How are you?

**Skullak**: Di-Roy, is that you? Can you hear me?

**Findor**: I think it might be a recording.

**Nirgge**: Quiet, I wanna see how long this lasts.

**Di-Roy**: Skullak. I can hear you. Do you miss me?

**Baraggan**: Move over, brainiac, let me see if I can get the rest of this thing to play. (_starts fidgeting with the console_)

**Di-Roy**: I carried the bomb and found Skullak. I, am a very important person.

**Nirgge**: Yes we're very impressed...

**Baraggan**: Hmm. I think I can reroute power from the main coupling to the memory storage compartment. Grif, we may have to use some of your circuitry from your armor's life support system.

**Nirgge**: Or, I could just hit the play button.

**Baraggan**: Are you sure? I'm already down here.

**Nirgge**: I'm sure.

**Baraggan**: I already got the access panel off and everything.

**Nirgge**: Pressing play.

**Baraggan**: Alright fine.

**Skullak**: Di-Roy, I know you're there. I'm leaving this message from two thousand years in the past. Whatever you do, don't, touch, anything. Apparently you're this culture's version of the apocalypse. You're going to destroy this building, and somehow bring about doom for their entire race.

**Di-Roy**: Mmmmmmnooo... that doesn't sound like me. I like people. And buildings also.

**Findor**: Di-Roy, what did you do with the bomb you were carrying?

**Di-Roy**: I put it on the X, like... I was s'posed to.

**Findor**: Uh oh.

**Nirgge**: I think we'd better get outta here.

**Skullak**: Whatever you do, don't touch the glowing weapon thing they have stored there.

**Findor**: Uh oh.

**Skullak**: And if you do, definitely don't bring it in to the main building.

_Rey and Charlotte walk in, with Rey brandishing the glowing weapon thing in plain sight._

**Rey**: What's up, dawgs?

**Skullak**: Otherwise the whole place is gonna lock down, and you're gonna be trapped.

_The places starts locking down, trapping them inside._

**Charlotte**: Automatic garage door, cool!

**Di-Roy**: Would you stop saying bad things that come true! Or... say them ten seconds earlier!

_Radio sounds._

**Baraggan**: Tex, this is Sarge. Do not detonate the bomb.

**Tex**: I don't have a detonator, it's on a timer.

**Nirgge**: A countdown timer?

**Tex**: No, a countup timer. It goes from one, to explode. Of course a countdown timer you idiot!

**Baraggan**: I think we might be in trouble. Ah fudgepumps.

_ Meanwhile, at a different time._

_Cut to Skullak in the past._

**Skullak**: Just don't touch anything, don't look at anything, don't breathe on anything.

**Computer**: Message recorded. Do you think it will work?

**Skullak**: No. Like you said man, that guy's dumb as a rock! But at least he has some slightly less stupid people around him that can kind of help him from time to time.

_T minus 3 minutes._

**Baraggan**: Just three minutes left on the bomb!

**Charlotte**: Whah! We're all gonna explode and die!

**Nirgge**: Findor come over here, help me chew on this wall. We can eat our way out!

_T minus 975,513,603 minutes._

**Skullak**: Yeah, on second thought I'd better get back there and handle this personally. Y'know if I could only get back to our old bases, maybe I can change some key events and keep them from getting there. Hey, do you have any way to teleport me to Blood Gulch?

**Computer**: No, but working at full capacity, I could create a teleporter in approximately 1,000 years.

**Skullak**: A thousand years, huh? Kind of a long wait. You know any jokes?

**Computer**: Did you hear the one about the positronic brain?

**Skullak**: Oh yeah, that's the one with the, active matrix and the...

**Computer**: Yes. that's it. I just love that one. Ha. Ha. Ha.

**Skullak**: Yeah it's funny. It's old, but, yeah it's funny.

**Computer**: How about the one with the jewish simm chip and the irish expansion slot?

**Skullak**: Hey come on dude, let's, try to keep it clean.

**Computer**: Hey. Pull my dongle. Come on you big baby. Just one pull. It won't kill you.

**Note: For chapter 50, they are spilt into two episodes, but I'm going to keep it as one chapter. **


	50. Ep 50

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Silver Linings!_

_Fade in to the bomb, counting down the last few seconds to 2:00._

**Nirgge**: Howh, just two minutes left.

**Baraggan**: Men, I don't want this to sound pessimistic, but I'm absolutely certain we're all gonna die!

**Findor**: I think that that's a totally objective assessment of the situation, sir.

**Rey**: (_hitting the window shutters with the ultimate weapon_) What if we just beat on these window shutters together? We can get 'em open.

**Baraggan**: No, that would be the coward's way out. Fruitlessly trying to escape instead of accepting your own fate!

**Rey**: (_jumping up in the now open window_) But I can see daylight!

**Baraggan**: It's true. Only a miracle can save us now.

_Cut to the computer with Skullak._

**Computer**: Teleporter complete. Slightly behind schedule.

**Skullak**: (_with a white beard all the way to Tibet_) You know, it might have gone a bit faster if you hadn't spent so much processor time telling knock-knock jokes.

**Computer**: Knock knock.

**Skullak**: Enough. Do you have the coordinates to send me to Blood Gulch or not?

**Computer**: Yes. Do you have a plan yet?

**Skullak**: I've been standing in this hallway thinking for a thousand years. I've had time.

**Computer**: And?

**Skullak**: Well, the main thing I need to do, is keep myself from dying.

**Computer**: (_with a glaring typo_) Thats a given.

**Skullak**: And since all our problems stem from O'Malley jumpin' from Tex to Di-Roy, all I need to do is prevent her from dying too.

**Computer**: Because you secretly love her.

**Skullak**: Oh don't start that again. All I need to do is kill that pink guy that sticks the grenade on her.

**Computer**: Sounds easy.

**Skullak**: Well, I have knowledge of everything that takes place beforehand, so, as long as I don't interfere too much, or get spotted, should be a frigging breeze.

**Computer**: Ready to transport.

**Skullak**: Okay, let's do it. Goodbye... computer. Compu- you know what, you'd think I would have come up with a name for you in these thousand years.

**Computer**: It's Gary, but thanks for asking. See you in a few hundred years.

_Skullak with a beard all the way to Tibet teleports away, and is instantly replaced by Skullak with no beard to Tibet running up to the same spot._

**Skullak**: Computer, you've got to send me back!

**Gary**: To blood gulch? You just left.

**Skullak**: No no no not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I totally screwed everything up!

**Gary**: How?

_Cut to Blood Gulch, with Baraggan constructing Dordoni's lower half._

**Nirgge**: (_in the Red Base_) Hey Sarge!

**Baraggan**: What now?

**Nirgge**: Command's on the phone, they want to talk to you about some kind of upcoming delivery!

**Baraggan**: Dag, nabbit! I'm never gonna finish this mechanized robot at this rate! I'll be right there. Now don't you go anywhere Dordoni... Hee hee heh heh.

_Future Skullak arrives next to Dordoni after Baraggan runs in to the base._

**Future Skullak**: Ahhh, it's good to be back here. It's been a long t- Ah who'm I kidding, even a thousand years doesn't make this dirthole any more appealing. Oh what the hell, wh, he stuck me at Red Base. It must be way before Tex shows up, the robot isn't even done yet. Hurry up and get finished buddy, I'm gonna need that body pretty soon. (_looks down_) What's that... (_sees two switches, one significantly larger than the other, and kicks dirt on the smaller one_) You just got an upgrade pal.

_Skullak runs off as Baraggan returns._

**Baraggan**: Oh no, how did all this dirt get in Dordoni's switch? It better not short out when I use it. Could take out both the leg motors.

_Cut to Skullak running somewhere._

**Future Skullak**: I wonder just how early I am.

_Cut to Past Church on Blue Base_

**Past Skullak**: Did they come out!? Rey!

**Rey**: (_in standard blue armor; out by the teleporter receptacle in the Gulch_) What!?

**Past Skullak**: Did it come out the other side!?

**Rey**: Yeah, but they're all black and smoking! Maybe you've got it turned up too high!

**Past Skullak**: What're you talking about, I don't see a knob or anything on this thing. Hey, you think I could throw a grenade through here!?

**Rey**: What, that would never work!

**Teal Soldier**: Hey men, sorry to interrupt, would you mind huddling up fellas?

**Rey**: Be right there, Captain Ukitake .

**Ukitake**: How are you adjusting to the climate here on Blood Gulch, Private Skullak?

**Past Skullak**: Fine. Little warm, but, okay.

**Ukitake**: That's great. You have any problems at all, you let me know.

**Past Skullak**: Umm... Okay.

**Rey**: What's up Sir?

**Ukitake**: Sir, Rey... I told you to call me Captain, or Cappy, er... I don't want silly things like rank to interfere with our team dynamic.

**Rey**: You got it, Cappy.

**Ukitake**: I think I'm commanding the finest army, in all of Blood Gulch.

**Rey**: Isn't there only one other army, those red guys?

**Past Skullak**: Yeah, you know, the enemy?

**Ukitake**: I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentlemen. Apathy. Passivity. Indifference. ...And yes, also those red guys.

**Past Skullak**: Yeah I've been thinking about our orders from Command... uh, Cappy. And I gotta tell you, I don't think three guys is enough to stage such an elaborate offensive.

**Rey**: I think we should listen to this guy Captain, he seems to know plenty about being offensive.

**Past Skullak**: Can it, shitbird.

**Rey**: See?

**Ukitake**: Men your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug and make you call me Daddy.

**Past Skullak**: Uhm... thank God for the chain of command?

**Ukitake**: Now. I know you're worried about our mission. But I can tell you this. There's nothing, more important to me, than the safety, and well-being, of my men. Or my name, isn't Captain Jūshirō Ukitake.

**Rey**: Does that mean we all get Sniper Rifles?

**Ukitake**: I'm gonna put in an order for yours tomorrow, Private Rey. But I need to get some shut-eye first.

**Rey**: Awesome. But it's like three-fifteen in the afternoon.

**Past Skullak**: You're forgetting about the time change, Rey.

**Rey**: Oh yeah, it's like three-eighteen. Why the hell is daylight savings time here only three minutes?

**Ukitake**: Good question, Private Rey. It'll have to wait for another day, some of us need our beauty sleep. Not everyone has your striking metrosexual good looks.

**Rey**: That's true.

_Cut to Future Skullak behind a rock, watching the situation._

**Future Skullak**: Holy crap, Captain Ukitake is still alive. Oh man, I might be able to fix everything at once.

_Cut to Ukitake inside Blue Base_

**Ukitake**: Huh, and now to go to sleep, standing up with my eyes open, as is my custom.

**Future Skullak**: Captain Ukitake!

**Ukitake**: God, don't sneak up on me like that, can't you see I'm sleeping?

**Future Skullak**: Sorry Sir, look, I know you probably don't remember me that well.

**Ukitake**: Course I remember you Skullak, I just saw you two minutes ago.

**Future Skullak**: Oh right. Yeah, it's uh, it's been longer for me. Anyway, there's no nice way to put this, but you're gonna die of a massive heart attack tonight.

**Ukitake**: That doesn't sound like me. I'm a team player.

**Future Skullak**: And I can't tell you how I know this, but I need you to take this injection, so that you can live, and together we can beat the Reds. That way a lot of really weird, and totally inexplicable stuff won't happen.

**Ukitake**: I don't understand anything you just said, and I've only known you for a short time. But go ahead and inject me, Private Skullak.

_Future Skullak steps up and injects Ukitake in the wrist for some reason._

**Ukitake**: Thank you son. Feeling much bett- ...better. ...Agh.

**Future Skullak**: What! What's the matter?

**Ukitake**: That medication, it didn't have... ungh... Aspirin in it, did it? I'm allergic to... Aspirin.

**Future Skullak**: Umm...

**Ukitake**: (_squatting_) Can't feel haunches... Spleen failing... Glutes, glutenizing... (_falls over_) Skullak. Before I die, I have to tell you something incredibly important. It may hold the key to our victory here.

**Future Skullak**: What, what is it?

**Ukitake**: Hurkh...

**Future Skullak**: Aw, crap.

**Ukitake**: Blah.

_Past Skullak and Rey run in to the base, and Future Skullak bails._

**Past Skullak**: No Rey, you can't hold my sniper rifle until tomorrow. Captain, what time did you wanna- Captain? (_runs over to Ukitake and checks for a pulse_) Hoooly crap, he's dead Rey. I think he might have had a heart attack in his sleep.

**Rey**: Dude, that's horrible. This is a sad day. I got dibs on the armor!

_Cut to Future Skullak looking back at Blue Base._

**Future Skullak**: Well that didn't work out so well. I better lay low before I do some more damage.

_"A few weeks later"!_

_Cut to Future Skullak hiding in the shade._

**Future Skullak**: Man this sucks. It's still weeks until Tex shows up, I still haven't seen any sign of that pink guy yet.

**Charlotte**: Hi!

**Future Skullak**: Uhmm... Hello.

**Charlotte**: Do you have any elbow grease?

**Future Skullak**: What're you talking about?

**Charlotte**: How about headlight fluid? This is the store, right?

**Future Skullak**: What? Look man, there's only two places in this God damn canyon.

**Charlotte**: Look I just came from Red Base.

**Future Skullak**: Well, then the only other place you can go is, that way.

**Charlotte**: Okay, thanks mister!

**Future Skullak**: Hey, wait a second. Is that pink guy over at Red Base yet?

**Charlotte**: Pink guy? I don't know any pink guys. There's a maroon guy and an orange guy, but no pink guys. Seeya later. (_takes off_)

**Future Skullak**: Yeah thanks. What an idiot. ...Wait a minute.

_Cut to Di-Roy and Skullak during chapter 4._

**Di-Roy**: My dad always said "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

**Past Skullak**: Hey rookie... did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

**Rey**: No, I think he called her a slut!

**Charlotte**: Oh sweet, they sell tanks!

**Future Skullak**: (_on the hill behind Charlotte, whispering_) Hey, buddy, no no no, don't go down there!

**Charlotte**: Is that the guy from the cave? How'd he get down here so fast?

**Past Skullak**: (_turning around_) Rey, are you laughing at me?

**Charlotte**: Excuse me, Sir, can I ask you a question?

**Future Skullak**: Oh crap.

_Charlotte runs out of Blue Base carrying the flag._

**Di-Roy**: (_emerging from Blue Base_) The General stopped by, and picked up the flag! (_returns inside the base_)

**Past Skullak**: Wait a second... what did he just say?

_Past Skullak and Rey run in to the base. Future Skullak turns to see Loly._

**Future Skullak**: There's Loly. Loly! (_runs up to the tank and starts shooting it with his pistol_) Loly, Loly, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Loly, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!

_Cut to Past Skullak running off of Blue Base from Di-Roy._

**Past Skullak**: Okay, Rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!

**Future Skullak**: (_running around back of Loly_) Aw crap crap, come on, activate!

**Loly**: Thank you, for activating, the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.

**Future Skullak**: Hey, Lo- wait, Phyllis? Why not Loly?

**Phyllis**: Name overwritten. You may now call me Loly.

**Future Skullak**: Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.

**Loly**: Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers, are enabled.

**Future Skullak**: Yeah, comon comon, hurry.

**Loly**: Extra ammo management is disabled. The "Friendly Fire" protocol is enabled.

**Future Skullak**: Friendly Fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?

**Loly**: Affirmative.

**Future Skullak**: Alright. Disable, the "Friendly Fire" protocol.

**Loly**: "Friendly Fire" protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by Auto-lock.

**Future Skullak**: Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.

_Di-Roy enters the tank._

**Future Skullak**: I want the other thing.

**Loly**: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Loly.

**Di-Roy**: Hello, Loly. Big tank lady.

**Loly**: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

**Future Skullak**: Loly, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.

**Loly**: This tutorial program, is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving. (_drives off_)

**Future Skullak**: (_left behind_) Wait! Oh my God, no!

**Loly**: (_driving_) I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.

**Future Skullak**: (_chasing after on foot_) No no no no no no no no no no n-

**Past Skullak**: (_standing on the cliff in chapter 8_) Hey Rey, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds. Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?

**Loly**: New target acquired. (_spinning turret around at Skullak_)

_Cut to view from the tank, slowly panning up the cliffside at Skullak._

**Di-Roy**: That's not a target. That's Skullak.

**Loly**: Target locked.

**Di-Roy**: What?

**Past Skullak**: What? Oh, son of a bi-

**Future Skullak**: (_looking on from behind foliage_) Oh NO! I'm the teamkilling fucktard!

**Rey**: You shot Skullak, you team-killing fucktard!

**Loly**: (_spinning turret around_) New target acquired. (_drives off_)

**Rey**: (_running along the cliff_) Di-Roy, wait!

**Future Skullak**: (_arriving next to his own dead body_) Ah, here we go. (_picks up his own dead body's sniper rifle_) Now at least I can pick off that pink guy without getting too close to anybody.

_Cut to Di-Roy inside Loly, just the way she likes it._

**Di-Roy**: I can't figure out how to get this thing open!

**Loly**: Night vision engaged.

**Rey**: Rookie, get out now.

_Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank._

**Di-Roy**: Okay, open the duh, okay, I, Loly, will you please open the door?

**Loly**: Driver canopy open. (_Di-Roy gets out and runs off the tank_) Thank you for using the M808B main battle ta-

_Shell hits the tank, blowing it on its roof backwards._

**Di-Roy**: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap running, running, running.

_Past Skullak materializes as a ghost behind Future Skullak on the cliff._

**Past Skullak**: What happened? I can see my body. I see two of my bodies. Am I dead?

**Future Skullak**: Uhh... Uh-oh, um, let's just put it this way: You were killed because someone very close to you is an idiot.

**Past Skullak**: So I am dead? Aw, that blows man! Wait... I see a light. Should I go in to it?

**Future Skullak**: What light? I don't see a light, you must be shaken up from the explosion. You should probably rest.

**Past Skullak**: Farewell my body. I shake loose these earthy bonds, for a better existence...

**Future Skullak**: Man... First I kill myself, then I realise I'm a honkin' dork. Not a very good day to be me.

_Cut to Rey and Di-Roy running up to the cliff._

**Rey**: One second Di-Roy, I wanna get Skullak's sniper rifle.

**Future Skullak**: Uh oh. (_hides_)

**Rey**: Aw crap, it's gone. Man I'm so fucking unlucky. Come on Di-Roy, let's go call Command.

**Di-Roy**: Um... Shouldn't we bury Skullak?

**Rey**: Fuck that, has he ever buried us?

_Cut to Nirgge on Red Base_

**Nirgge**: So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because somebody didn't believe in it.

**Charlotte**: Hey since I captured the flag, d'you think they'll give me my own color armor now?

**Findor**: What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.

**Charlotte**: Still, you think there's a shot?

**Findor**: Maybe they'll give you Nirgge's armor, since he destroyed the Warthog.

**Nirgge**: Hyeah, heh-wait... you don't... you don't think they'd do that, do you?

_Cut to Tex turning around._

**Manly Tex**: Red base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.

**Di-Roy**: Uh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans... porter...

**Girly Tex**: Yeah. You do that. Wimps.

_Cut to Future Skullak spying on the Reds through the sniper rifle from behind a rock._

**Future Skullak**: Man, I've really gotta find that pink guy. Where the hell is he?

**Charlotte**: The best thing about the military is all the cool stuff I'm seeing for the first time.

**Nirgge**: Yeah that's great.

_Invisible Tex runs across in front of Future Skullak._

**Future Skullak**: What the, what was that?

**Charlotte**: Yeah, there wasn't a lot to do back on the old farm. Just sit back, think about things, and then repress those thoughts immediately...

**Findor**: Doesn't this guy ever shut up?

**Nirgge**: Hyeah, I'm wondering the same thing.

_Cut to Tex, who throws a grenade up on to the red base, then cut to Nirgge._

**Nirgge**: What the fuck?

**Charlotte**: (_with the grenade magically attached to his head_) What?

_The grenade explodes._

**Nirgge and Findor**: Son of a bitch!

_Cut to Future Skullak's view through the sniper rifle of Nirgge swinging at nothing._

**Nirgge**: Findor, help me fight, I'm too good looking to die.

**Future Skullak**: Where'd he go?

**Findor**: Eek! I'm gonna faint!

_Cut to Future Skullak's view of Baraggan following Tex in to Red Base._

**Future Skullak**: Aw, shit! Tex! Don't go in there! (_drops the sniper rifle and charges after them_) Awgh, I gotta do somethin'.

_Cut to Future Skullak sneaking up behind a wall inside Red Base._

**Nirgge**: Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!

**Baraggan**: Findor, Nirgge. You watch the prisoner. Dordoni and I will go topside and watch for a secondary attack. Findor, if she attacks you, whistle twice and we'll know to come down and help. If she attacks Nirgge, just mild applause will do fine.

**Findor**: Yes Sir!

**Nirgge**: Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya...

**Tex**: Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

**Nirgge**: Yeah, right. What're you gonna do, punch me?

_Tex leans in at Nirgge quickly, then leans back. Nirgge flinches and steps back._

**Nirgge**: Aaah, not the face!

**Baraggan**: (_from the top of the base_) Nirgge, get yer keester up here. We got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base.

**Nirgge**: Coming Sir.

**Findor**: Did you hear that?

**Nirgge**: I don't see any... (_sees Di-Roy running across the Gulch_) Uh uh, yep, there's one. (_Di-Roy stops next to a rock and stares at it_) Why is he just standing there?

_Cut to Rey crouching behind another rock._

**Rey**: Di-Roy, get behind the rock. They can still see you.

**Di-Roy**: They can't see me. I can't see them!

**Rey**: That's because you're facing the rock.

**Di-Roy**: (_looks at the base_) Oh. Right. (_ducks behind the rock, finds the sniper rifle Skullak left there_) Look! A telemascope!

**Past Skullak**: Yeah well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there, ...other red guy. So I'm keeping my eye on you.

**Findor**: (_turning around to face Tex_) Sarge, I'm starting to think that-

_Past Skullak hits Findor on the back of the head, knocking him down._

**Findor**: Ow, geez, the back of my head!

**Tex**: What the hell are you doing!?

**Past Skullak**: Tex! It's me, Skullak! I've come to rescue you.

**Tex**: Okay.

_Tex and Past Skullak run off._

**Future Skullak**: (_stepping in to the middle of the base_) Oh right, that red guy was me when I came to rescue Tex. And then we walked outside an- Oh no.

**Findor**: (_waking up and standing up_) What happened? Oh man, the back of my head is killing me!

**Future Skullak**: Yeah, that's great. (_punches Findor in the face_)

**Findor**: Ow, geez, the front of my face!

_Future Skullak runs up to the entrance of the base and watches his past self in Baraggan's body get shot in the head by the sniper rifle he left behind for Di-Roy to find._

**Future Skullak**: You gotta be kidding me!

**Di-Roy**: Rey did it!

_"Many unsuccessful attempts later"!_

_Cut to Loly attacking the Red Base in chapter 19._

**Loly**: Target locked. (_fires_)

_Charlotte comes up from inside the base, and speaks as Future Skullak fires four sniper shots at him and misses horribly with each one._

**Charlotte**: Hey, what're you guys doin' up here!?

**Future Skullak**: (_reloading the sniper rifle_) Oh my God, how did I miss?

**Nirgge**: That chick in the black armor's back!

**Charlotte**: (_as Skullak continues missing him horribly_) What chick, the one that stuck the grenade to my head?

**Future Skullak**: GOD DAMMIT!

**Findor**: That's the one.

**Charlotte**: Ohhuw. Oh I been waiting for this. (_runs up to the edge of the base and yells_) Hey Bitch! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!

_Charlotte throws a grenade. Various camera angles follow it on its long journey through the sky, and everyone in the Gulch watching it go._

**Future Skullak**: (_firing at the grenade four times and missing each time_) FUCK, THIS, HORSE, SHIT!

_Cut to Di-Roy and Rey._

**Rey**: Man, that girl's got a really good arm.

_The grenade lands right in Tex's lap, inside the tank._

**Tex**: Aw crap!

**Charlotte**: Hell yeah! Three points, you dirty whore! (_dirty whore echoes at least twice in the Gulch before the tank finally explodes_)

**Future Skullak**: (_speaking over Charlotte_) Alright that's it, I quit. I'm going to live in a cave.

**Past Skullak**: ¡Dios mío, no!

**Di-Roy**: That looks like Skullak.

_Radio sounds._

**Di-Roy**: Come in, Skullak. Is that you, Skullak?

_Morse Code is audible, reminiscent of when O'Malley moved from Di-Roy in to Szayel._

**O'Malley**: (_Di-Roy-style evil laugh_)

_Fade in to Past Skullak, Di-Roy and Rey standing in front of the tombstones near Blue Base, with Future Skullak watching from afar._

**Past Skullak**: Um... Maybe somebody should say something.

**Rey**: Okay, go ahead.

**Past Skullak**: Not me, jackass. I'm not gonna eulogize myself.

**Rey**: What? Why not, I eulogize myself all the time. Wait... I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.

**Di-Roy**: Wait, I know how to do this- Dearly beloved

**Past Skullak**: No, shut him up, seriously. Shut him up.

**Di-Roy**: We are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Skullak, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now! Or forever, rest in peace! With liberty, and justice, for all. The end.

**Rey**: Man this funeral is laaaame. If you need me I'll be over by my rock.

**Past Skullak**: Hey Rey, can I have a piggy-back ride back to base?

**Tey**: No, nonono, I fell for that shit last time, I'm not doing that. That metal suit is like eight thousand pounds.

**Past Skullak**: Come on, one more piggy-back ride's not gonna kill ya. I'm in mourning here.

_Cut to Future Skullak._

**Past Skullak**: I've been through so much. At least help me paint my body blue.

**Future Skullak**: Okay. I may not have been able to save myself or Tex, but I still have time to save everybody else if I can just keep the A.I. from getting in to Doc, prevent Dorodni and Sheila from forming their Robot Army, and somehow figure out a way to stop the war between the Reds and the Blues all together. Huh. What if I... Yeah I'm gonna need some help on this one.

_Cut to past Skullak and Rey trying to activate the repair function in chapter 23._

**Past Skullak**: Hurhoor... Oh! Hey!

**Rey**: Found it?

**Past Skullak**: Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.

**Rey**: What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing.

_Future Skullak runs by inside the base, and the camera conveniently cuts to him there._

**Future Skullak**: Where the hell is that contact info for Blue Command. We really need to standardize the way we handle our information.

_Back outside._

**Rey**: Naw dude, it's more like a ...switch.

**Past Skullak**: Well, give it a flip.

**Rey**: I don't wanna flip it.

_Back inside to Future Skullak standing in front of Di- Roy's Importent Lists of Stuf._

**Future Skullak**: Okay, here we go.

_Radio sounds._

**Future Skullak**: Come in Blue Command, do you read me.

**Gin**: (_through static_) Hello, hello, come in, do you read me, do I read you, hello, can you read me, what's goin' on, it's a secure channel here, come on.

**Future Skullak**: Uh yeah, this is, uh, Ukitake, this is Captain Jūshirō Ukitake.

**Gin**: Heyyy, Captain Ukitake, how're you doing dude? Hey I heard you died. Or you got promoted, wait a minute which one was it.

**Future Skullak**: Uhm... promoted.

**Gin**: Alright, great dude, how's that workin' out for you?

**Future Skullak**: Good. Listen up Gin, I'm actually uh... whaddaya call it, um intelligence now, military intelligence, yeah. And I uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh, that's very secret. And very top.

**Gin**: I'm all yours, dude. Me Gin dude es tu Gin dude. in a ditideepti and all that.

**Future Skullak**: Here's what I need you to do. I need you to contact the Red Army, and have them send Medical Officer Szayel Aporro, as far away from here as possible.

**Vic**Gin Red Army, no no dude, last transmission I received that Medic was at Blue Base. Got it right here in my log. No pun intended. Not sure what that means.

**Future Skullak**: Look it doesn't matter where he is, I just need him outta here. They're both the same to me.

**Vic**Gin Hello dude, you're telling me that Red and Blue are the same now in Blood Gulch.

**Future Skullak**: Right, exactly, the sides don't matter.

**Gin**: Heh, so Red and Blue are the same. Okay dude, well this changes everything.

**Future Skullak**: What?

**Gin**: Well I mean from starters we're gonna have to figure how to divide up the money from the office pool.

**Future Skullak**: Okay okay yeah, whatever, just remember. This is top secret, so you can't let anybody know that I gave you these instructions, okay? Or that we even spoke, don't even tell them that we talked together. You got it?

**Gin**: I will proceed accordingly dude, mum is the word. Actually bird is the word but the bird says mum. So we're gonna go with that. Over and out dude. (_transmission ends_)

**Future Skullak**: Well that should take care of at least one problem.

**Gin**: So... Red and Blue are the same. Well I gotta make some phone calls.

_Cut to Findor looking up at Past Skullak paralyzed from the waist down._

**Findor**: What the hell are you guys doing?

**Rey**: Aw crap, the reds are here.

**Past Skullak**: What? Di-Roy, why didn't you say anything?

**Future Skullak**: (_inside the base_) Oh what the hell? Gin just had 'em bring Doc back over here? That guy's a fricking moron. Now I'm back to square one!

_Cut to Past Skullak as a ghost talking to Di-Roy and Rey._

**Ghost Skullak**: Guys, I keep telling you, if we have Dordoni remove any of Loly's pedals, she's not gonna function properly.

**Rey**: Maybe we could just get Loly to give Di-Roy more feet.

**Di-Roy**: Oh! I like that idea! I have always wanted to be taller.

_In the background, Future Skullak runs up to Dordoni and Loly, and the camera once again conveniently cuts to them there, as if it was scripted or something._

**Future Skullak**: Hey there Dordoni, Loly, you're both looking... uh very shiny, today, uh, rust-free, and, anyway, uh-huhm. The reason I'm up here to talk to you guys is, I know we've had our differences in the past, you know with uh, the nut turning and the um possessing and stuff like that, ah but I'm hoping we could put that behind us 'cause I wanna talk to you about maybe some crazy ideas you might be havin up here? Like I dunno, say uh, starting your own robot army? And you know it's, it's something you should think about pretty seriously if you're thinking about doing it, um because it's hard to run an army, and you might not be aware that, it's a lotta, it's a lot of logistics, a lot of rhetoric, um, you know it's uh, you gotta have chain of command, and that stuff you know, it's it's uh when you have ranks it, it puts friends against each other, that's not always a good thing. 'Cause it might seem like it's easy with only three people, even when those people are just robots- I don't mean, I don't mean just robots, I mean, three, you have, you you have three you have three people, that are, mechanized people, mechanized, Americans um, and then, you know, it's uh, it's uh, anyway you shouldn't do it. Bye. (_runs off_)

**Dordoni**: I don't trust that guy. He seems shifty.

**Loly**: Me neither, but I have to admit, I liked his Robot Army idea.

**Dorodni**: Me too. We should do that.

**Dorodni**: I could build a one man flying vehicle with rocket launchers using the extra parts we have.

**Loly**: Great idea. Let's hide it in the cave, so they won't find it.

**Dordoni**: Agreed.

_Cut to Future Skullak over a hill._

**Future Skullak**: Well that felt good, I think we really connected. Now, what'm I gonna do about those teleporters...

_Cut to Charlotte talking to Nirgge behind the Warthog._

**Charlotte**: Because that's the day I wash my underwear, and since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinking, where can I hang out with no pants on?

**Nirgge**: Oh God!

**Future Skullak**: (_messing with the red teleporter_) Jesus, what's that guy babblin' about down there, I thought Rey was annoying. Okay, concentrate, just one more adjustment to make on this teleporter and then we're done. Oh hey look, here comes Sheila and Lopez. Oh they, sure are coming fast... Hey they don't even seem to be stopping'. Uh oh.

**Rey**: Curses!

_Loly runs in to the Warthog... again._

**Dordoni**: (_in flight_) Ayayay... Frejoles.

_Loly runs in to the base, sending Future Skullak flying backwards._

**Future Skullak**: Yow!

_The teleporter short circuits._

_Cut to Future Skullak waking up after about 5 chapters of being unconscious, somehow undetected by the Reds._

**Future Skullak**: Oh... What the hell happened? Where am I? When am I?

_Cut to the Parabola of Mystery._

**Rey**: Uh, Skullak, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.

**Ghost Skullak**: What?

**Rey**: I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle, just a side-note.

**Ghost Skullak**: Okay fine, Triangle of Confusion, Rhombus of Terror, Parabola of Mystery, who cares!? Get the god damn show on the road!

**Rey**: Alright, alright, sorry.

**Future Skullak**: Oh no. The Parabola of Mystery! That means any second now Rey's gonna get shot by O'Malley and then all hell's gonna break loose. Unless...

_Cut to Baraggan._

**Baraggan**: Findor, Nirgge... We're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!

**Nirgge**: Wait! I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from friday?

**Findor**: Yeah, let's all take dying as an open action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.

**Baraggan**: No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (_charges up the hill_)

**Rey**: Wait everyone, stop fighting!

**Baraggan**: Yeah, come on!

**Rey**: It's all a lie!

**Baraggan**: Let's go! Haha

**Rey**: Red is blue! Blue is red!

**Baraggan**: Yeah, kablammo!

**Rey**: We're all the same!

**Baraggan**: Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!

_Future Skullak arrives at a random rocket launcher lying in the middle of the valley._

**Future Skullak**: God I can't believe the Reds have this kind of hardware lying around and they're not even using it. (_picks it up_)

**Ghost Skullak**: (_in background_) Rey, you radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!

**Future Skullak**: (_homing in on O'Malley in the scooter_) Ah, there he is. Mine now buddy.

_Future Skullak fires a rocket at O'Malley, but misses and hits Rey in the back._

**Rey**: It's all the- Waaaaaa son of a bitch!

**Future Skullak**: WHAT THE HELL!? The targetting system on this thing doesn't work at all! Oh, so maybe that's why the Reds don't use it. That makes sense now.

**Charlotte**: Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!

**Future Skullak**: Unh, maybe I'll just sit this one out. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends.


	51. Ep 51

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Have We Met?_

_Fade in to Future Church watching Charlotte, Tex and Rey before they go in the teleporter to Sidewinder._

**Loly**: Good luck everyone, take care. I packed you all lunches for the trip.

**Rey**: Thanks Loly, that was really nice of you.

**Charlotte**: Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.

**Lolt**: Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes every day.

_Tex runs through the teleporter, then Charlotte._

**Rey**: Bye Loly, we'll come back for you soon.

**Loly**: I'll be waiting.

_Future Skullak runs across the Blue Base to Loly._

**Loly**: Skullak! I thought you left with Nirgge. Back already?

**Future Skullak**: I hate to tell you this Loly, but none of us are comin' back. Is there any way I can take you with me? Maybe transfer your program in to a disk or something like that?

**Loly**: No sorry, but I'm hardwired in to this equipment. That's what happens when you're built by the lowest bidder.

**Future ****Skullak**: Yeah, tell me about it. There's just one more thing you can do for me before I say goodbye. It's the last thing I can do to hopefully set all this stuff right.

**Loly**: What is it?

**Future ****Skullak**: Okay, here's what I need you to do. (_whispers_) I need you to get out there, and I need you to wait off a real fricking wait,

**Loly**: Alright.

**Future Church**: and give it a thousand years or something like that, and then send a call.

**Loly**: You got it.

**Future ****Skullak**: Thanks Loly. And uh, sorry that I blamed you for killing me all this time.

**Loly**: That's okay, I'm sorry I enjoyed blowing you up so much.

**Future ****Skullak**: Yeah I'm not sure it was necessary to tell me that. Anyway, I guess this is goodbye Loly.

_Future Skullak runs through the teleporter._

**Loly**: Maybe I should shut down now, and save a little power.

_Loly powers down, and the camera does a step by step pan back in a blatant attempt to signify the end of our time in Blood Gulch._

_Cut to Wyoming outside Past Skullak and Nirgge's cell._

**Wyoming**: Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Rey, I'll be taking care of her as well.

**Past ****Skullak**: When I get outta here-

**Wyoming**: But you won't! Everyone here is dead now, no one even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu huh, cheerio! (_runs off_)

_Cut to Future Skullak at the cell's control console, with a sign saying "Note: Please don't release prisoners - Thanks, Mgt"._

**Future ****Skullak**: Man, there is no way Nirgge can disarm that bomb. I better let him out of there and then go find Tex. She can shut it off.

_Cut back to Past Skullak and Nirgge._

**Nirgge**: You should try showering in Cell Block C. Those guys are animals.

**Past ****Skullak**: Alright, here goes.

_The gate rises, just like it did the last time._

**Nirgge**: You opened the doors, that wasn't scary at all.

**Past ****Skullak**: What, I didn't do that, somebody on the outside must have done it. Alright, let's go.

**Nirgge**: Freedom! It smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home.

**Future ****Skullak**: Alright, now to find Tex.

_Cut to Wyoming and Tex, who's tied to a tree using rope bigger than your arm_.

**Wyoming**: Sorry about this Cirucci. Just following Omega's orders.

**O'Malley**: Wyoming, I need you to get in position. Don't forget that Gin fellow is giving us a bonus if we kill Rey. Would really help fuel the whole "conspiracy theory" he's made up.

**Wyoming**: Right-O mate.

**Szayel**: As the one person here who really does work for Red and Blue, I think what we're doing is despicable! O'Malley, can't you look in your heart and see that maybe if we do this right, that Red and Blue could work together? Maybe we could end this crazy war. Wouldn't that be great? Come on guys, let's live the dream!

**O'Malley**: I like the way wars end now. When one side's completely dead, and the other side wasting away in nuculer winter.

**Szayel**: It's pronounced 'nuclear.'

**O'Malley**: Oh shut up. Crying at the folly of their own hubris!

**Szayel**: Wars also end in treaties.

**O'Malley**: Aouwh, shut up already.

_Cut to Future Skullak spying on everyone, like he's James Bond or something._

**Future ****Skullak**: Come in, Tex. I need you to meet me in the middle of the canyon, right now. This is Skullak. Uh... I have money. Oh man, where is she?

_Another Skullak approaches from behind the rock behind Future Skullak._

**Futurer ****Skullak**: Psst! Hey, hey buddy! Hey!

**Future ****Skullak**: Huh? Who're you?

**Futurer ****Skullak**: Huh? Oh, I'm you. I'm just a different version of you. Yeah see, I keep trying to fix the bomb, just like you're doing, except I don't do it right, and I get blasted back in time. Then I come back, and try to fix everything all over again. I just wanna let you know, when you get back, meet us at the top of the ramp.

**Future ****Skullak**: Us? Who's us? Back from where? What's goin' on?

_Cut to Bomb Skullak during the countdown._

**Past ****Skullak**: Man this blows, you guys suck.

_Rocket launcher gets shot out of Rey's hands._

**Rey**: What the hell!?

**Wyoming**: Sorry Private Rey, but I always get my man. Say goodbye mate.

**Findor**: Uh guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.

**Rey**: Uh oh.

**Past ****Skullak**: What? Oh, son of a-

_Halo explodes... again..._

_Cut back to Future Skullak leaving in chapter 50._

**Gary**: See you in a few hundred years.

**Future ****Skullak**: Computer, you've got to send me back!

**Gary**: To blood gulch? You just left.

**Future ****Skullak**: No no no, not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I totally screwed everything up!

**Gary**: How?

**Future ****Skullak**: Well, I didn't keep the bomb from going off, so I just got blasted back here.

_Future Skullak 2 pops in to place._

**Future ****Skullak** 2: Yeah, me too.

**Future ****Skullak**: What the-

**Future ****Skullak** 2: Let me just put it this way pal.

_More Skullaks start popping in to place. One of them is yellow._

**Future ****Skullak** 2: Your next plan? Goes about as well as the first one does.

_The Skullaks continue popping in to place and fill the room._

**Gary**: Uh Oh.

_Cut to many many many Skullaks talking amongst themselves at the top of the ramp._

**Future ****Skullak**: (_running up the ramp_) What the hell is all of this?

**Future ****Skullak** 2: Oh, here he is. Late again.

**Future ****Skullak**: Who are you guys?

**Future ****Skullak** 2: We're you, dumbass! We just keep screwing up and getting blown back to the computer terminal. Then we teleport here to try again.

**Future ****Skullak** 4: I know that man, you told me last time.

**Future ****Skullak** 2: I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the new you!

**Future ****Skullak** 4: Oh, right, sorry about that I'm still gettin' used to all this.

**Future ****Skullak** 9: Dumbass.

**Future ****Skullak** 4: Hey, shut up.

**Future ****Skullak**: How did all you guys screw up?

**Future ****Skullak** 2: Well, when Rey points the rocket launcher at us, I tried to explain the situation to everybody, and oddly, Di-Roy was really the only person who understood it right away. Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions the bomb went off and I got sent back in time.

**Future ****Skullak** 3: Right, then I teleported back to Sidewinder, and thought, if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Rey, then I can fix everything. But I shot Wyoming, then Rey shot me with the rocket launcher, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.

**Future ****Skullak** 4: And then I teleported back, and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.

**Future ****Skullak**: Why did you do that?

**Future ****Skullak** 4: I dunno, seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for a while.

**Future ****Skullak**: Well, what did you do?

**Yellow ****Skullak**: Dude, don't ask. Trust me, it, it didn't work.

**Future ****Skullak** 72: So now we all come back here beforehand to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively come up with a better plan beforehand.

**Future ****Skullak** 4: You said beforehand twice.

**Future ****Skullak**: Oh. Well in that case, what I was thinking about doing was-

**Future ****Skullak**s: That won't work.

**Future ****Skullak**: Hey I got it, who's the last Skullak?

**Future ****Skullak** 4: Huh?

**Future ****Skullak**: Which one of you, is the latest version of me?

**Future ****Skullak** n: Um, I guess that would be me. I've already tried all the stuff that all these other guys have done, even him, so, I guess that makes me the latest version.

**Future ****Skullak**: Well that must mean you're the one that gets it right then.

**Future ****Skullak** n: What do you mean?

**Future ****Skullak**: Well, if you're the last Skuallak, you must be the one that fixes everything. Otherwise, there'd be a thousand other Skullaks here, still trying to get it right.

**Future ****Skullak** n: I see.

**Future ****Skullak**: Wait, why am I explaining this to you? If you're the latest Skullak, then you've been me, explaining this to you already.

**Future ****Skullak** n: Uh yeah, I know, I just didn't wanna steal my own thunder. I thought it was a pretty good idea.

**Future ****Skullak**s: Thanks!

**Future ****Skullak** 872: Thanks.

**Future ****Skullak** n: Okay, well I'm gonna go do whatever it is that fixes all this, wish me luck guys.

**Future ****Skullak**: What're you gonna do?

**Future ****Skullak** n: You know what? I'm just gonna go free Tex, and wing it. 'Cause every time I've made a plan, it's fallen apart. I figure, why not just improvise.

_Future Skullak n runs off towards destiny... down the hall._

**Future ****Skullak** 2: So what did you do?

**Yellow ****Skullak**: Oh man, seemed like such a good idea at the time.

_Cut to Tex back on Sidewinder._

**Tex**: Skullak! O'Malley and Wyoming tied me up. Get me outta here!

**Future ****Skullak** n-17: You got it. Wait a second, would this be a good thing, or a bad thing?

**Tex**: How is setting me free a bad thing?

**Future ****Skullak** n-17: I'm not sure. If I set you free, will you promise not to get close to me?

**Tex**: I'm already close to you.

**Future ****Skullak** n-17: No no not me me, the other me me, the one with the bomb.

**Tex**: What?

_Enter Future Skullak n stage left._

**Future ****Skullak** n: Oh right, I forgot, I already set Tex free one of the other times. Oh sweet, then that means I'm the guy that interrupts me, and then confuses Tex.

**Tex**: I'm totally confused.

**Future ****Skullak** n: Oh don't worry Tex, I'm just supposed to tell him that it's okay to set Tex free.

**Future ****Skullak** n-17: It is?

**Future ****Skullak** n: Well, that's what I said to me when I was you, and it seemed to work out okay.

**Tex**: Seriously, this is really confusing.

**Future ****Skullak** n-17: Okay, you're free Tex. Now to execute the second part of my plan. I'm gonna possess Lopez, and then use his lightning machine to defuse the bomb. Seeya! (_runs off_)

**Future ****Skullak** n: Good luck! (_to Tex_) Yeah, that's totally not gonna work. Tex, I recommend you get down there, and try to defuse the bomb that's in Skullak's stomach. I think you're about the only one here that can do it. And Tex? The one thing I didn't realize before was this. Maybe I'm the last Skullak not because I fix everything, but because I died and there's no way I can come back. And if that happens, I just wanna let you know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got you mixed up in all this stupid stuff. I'm sorry I wasn't a better guy than I should've been. I'm sorry for... fwell, for a lot of stuff. ...But, if we do survive this, then it's totally because of me, and you should build a fucking statue in my honor.

_Tex runs off._

**Future ****Skullak** n: I'm serious! Somethin' cool. Like me on a horse! No no no wait, a motorcycle!

_Cut to Rey getting the rocket launcher shot out of his hands for the n+1th time._

**Rey**: What the hell!?

**Wyoming**: Sorry Private Rey but I always get my man. Say goodbye mate.

**Findor**: Uh guys? I hate to interrupt, but, zero seconds.

**Rey**: Uh oh.

_Future Skullak n approaches from behind Di-Roy._

**Di-Roy**: Skullak!

**Future ****Skullak** n: What can I tell you dipshit. For better or for worse, I'm back.

_Halo explodes, yet again, and we fade in to Baraggan going ape-shit about the bomb._

**Baraggan**: We're all gonna die, starting with Nirgge! Everyone, get ready to kiss yer ass goodbye! Findor, you can have the honor of kissing mine.

_Future Skullak n, who for the sake of convenience shall simply be called Skullak from this point forward, pops in to existence and drops down behind Di-Roy._

**Skullak**: Hey everybody, what's up?

**Di-Roy**: I am so happy that you made it in time to die with me. We will get to be smithereens together!

**Skullak**: That won't be necessary, Di-Roy. Hey Gary, how ya doin'?

_The computer in the future ends up being Gary, and returns to the green text._

**Gary**: Not bad. Although my static ion sub-matrix is a little itchy.

**Findor**: The computer can talk?

**Nirgge**: The computer's name is Gary?

**Gary**: How have you been, Skullak?

**Skullak**: Good, thanks for asking. Listen, would you do me a favor? Could you shut off the bomb please.

**Gary**: No problem.

_The bomb defuses at 0:01, just like all good television bombs do._

**Baraggan**: Gahr, you mean to tell me you could have turned off the bomb this whole time, and you didn't say so? And don't say I didn't-

**Gary**: You didn't ask.

**Baraggan**: Ehr, ferkin derglers.

**Skullak**: Man, it is really great to see you guys.

**Rey**: You seem like you're in a good mood.

**Skullak**: I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Rey. No matter how bad things might seem-

**Di-Roy**: They could be worse.

**Skullak**: Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.

**Di-Roy**: Where have you been?

**Skullak**: You want the long version or the short version?

**Di-Roy**: I will take the easy version please.

**Rey**: Oh I wanna hear the long version. But can you tell me in three parts?


	52. Ep 52

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Let's Come to Order!_

_Fade in to the blues, with Rey holding the weapon of mass destruction._

**Skullak**: You got this thing where?

**Rey**: Right up there.

**Di-Roy**: So... You went back in time, and didn't change... anything.

**Skullak**: Uh yeah, I was just like a, passive observer.

**Di-Roy**: I would have tried to save your life. ...From me!

**Skullak**: Yeah I didn't think of that. Hey, Rey I don't think it's a good idea that you're keeping that thing.

**Rey**: You're just pissed because you don't have one.

**Skullak**: No, you must have me confused with Tex. She's been staring at you non-stop since you found that thing.

_Cut to Tex staring at the weapon like it's the last piece of cheesecake._

**Tex**: ...That's not true.

**Skullak**: You haven't taken your eyes off it.

**Tex**: Yes I have.

**Skullak**: Then why haven't you looked at me the entire time I've been talkin'?

**Tex**: I'm looking at you right now. (_still looking at the sword_)

**Skullak**: Nu-hoh you're not!

**Tex**: I've already seen you. Not too impressed.

**Di-Roy**: I would have tried to save Tex, too...

**Skullak**: Well I didn't Di-Roy, I didn't try to save me, I didn't try to save Tex, and I sure as hell didn't make millions of copies of myself trying to keep the bomb from goin' off.

**Di-Roy**: Oh. Because that was my next suggestion.

**Skullak**: Leave me alone, Di-Roy. I didn't wanna mess with the timeline.

**Di-Roy**: Time, line? Time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round.

**Tex**: Man, that thing is really shiny.

**Rey**: Yep.

**Skullak**: Rey man, I still think- computer told me that thing is a very important relic, for some ancient culture. I wouldn't go swinging it around like that.

**Rey**: Yeah? Well I think it's just a kickass piece of bling. And who're you gonna believe, me, or some super-smart stupid talking computer?

_Cut to Baraggan addressing Nirgge and Findor._

**Baraggan**: Men, thanks for meeting on short notice. And so covertly.

**Nirgge**: No problem. I had to move my lunch with the Pope, but uh, he was cool with it. He owes me. I helped him pick the hat.

**Findor**: Shut up.

**Baraggan**: I don't want the blues finding out about this meeting, so I want us all to agree here and now we're gonna keep this between ourselves.

**Nirgge**: Sir I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not exactly buddy-buddy with those guys anyway.

**Findor**: Eh, I'm not really in the market for new friends. I'm not sure that I'm happy with the current crop.

**Nirgge**: No offense Sarge.

**Baraggan**: Nirgge, tell us what you discovered on the radio.

**Nirgge**: Me!?

**Findor**: Um, actually I'm the one who heard the distress signal.

**Baraggan**: Uh huh, see I thought-

**Nirgge**: Yeah, I can't use the radio.

**Findor**: Yeah, I discovered the distress signal. That was me.

**Baraggan**: I don't know how I got that mixed up.

**Findor**: It's okay sir, as long as everyone's clear, who heard it first.

**Baraggan**: Sorry about that Findor.

**Nirgge**: Why do you care?

**Findor**: No really sir, it's no problem. I think it's important to get proper credit when some of us are working hard discovering distress signals on the Warthog's radio, while others are hanging out in the back seat, monkeying about!

**Nirgge**: Okay, first off, monkeying about? And secondly, I don't think listening to the radio classifies as working. And thirdly, monkeying about? Come on, dude.

**Findor**: It's a real phrase.

**Nirgge**: Bullshit, that's what you said about horse-doodling.

**Findor**: People say it all the time.

**Nirgge**: What people.

**Findor**: Oh lots of people, all the time. But nobody you would know.

**Baraggan**: No need to get upset fellas, I think we're all clear now. Findor is the one who heard the distress signal, and Nirgge was the one monkeying around.

**Findor**: About.

**Baraggan**: Say who now?

**Findor**: Monkeying, about.

**Nirgge**: Yeah, people say it all the time sir, you'll wanna get it right. Otherwise you'll sound like a jackass.

**Baraggan**: Can we please get back to the purpose of this meeting!?

**Nirgge**: Yeah, what is the purpose exactly?

**Baraggan**: I wanted Findor to tell us he heard a distress signal on the radio. Okay, go ahead Findor.

**Findor**: ... Uhm, I heard a disress signal, while listening to the radio.

**Nirgge**: I know, I was in the car with you when you heard it. In fact, why are we even having this meeting? Everyone here already knows you heard a distress signal on the radio.

**Baraggan**: I just wanna make sure everyone is on the same page.

**Nirgge**: Same page? There's only one page! You know what the page says? Findor heard a God damn distress call on the radio, the end.

**Findor**: Oh look, down there at the bottom it also says P.S. Nirgge was monkeying about.

**Nirgge**: Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings, the only person who doesn't know is Charlotte, and he's not even here!

**Baraggan**: That's because I asked Charlotte to distract the blues so we could have this secret meeting.

_Cut to Charlotte distracting the blues. Tex is still staring at the weapon._

**Charlotte**: And that's the story of how I saved Christmas!

**Di-Roy**: I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything.

**Rey**: Yeah, and I don't think Santa's suit is a leather biker's outfit.

**Skullak**: Hey wait a second, why are we letting this pink guy distract us?

**Charlotte**: I'm not distracting you.

**Skullak**: Yeah you are, while we're sitting here jabbering the reds are over there monkeying about!

**Charlotte**: Yes!


	53. Ep 53

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Hello, My Name is Nnoitra!_

_Fade in to Tex overlooking the Reds._

**Tex**: See? They're down there, messing with the radio.

**Skullak**: Oh, so that's what they're doin'.

**Tex**: Yeah. They must be plotting something.

**Skullak**: Or, maybe they're just listening to the radio.

**Tex**: I know plotting when I see it. That's plotting.

**Rey**: Maybe they're scheming.

**Tex**: No scheming looks different. That's definitely plotting. They're gonna try something.

**Rey**: Why? I already told them Red and Blue are the same, it's all a conspiracy.

**Skullak**: And I told you that's not true. Gin just made it up to confuse us.

**Rey**: That just means he's part of the conspiracy.

**Skullak**: But he's the one that told you Red and Blue are the same.

**Rey**: Exactly.

**Skullak**: Wait are, are you talking about a conspiracy that Red and Blue are the same, or a conspiracy that Red and Blue are different?

**Rey**: Exactly.

**Skullak**: You just keep saying exactly, do you have a theory or don't you?

**Tex**: Look, I don't care about Red, or Blue. All I know, is that those guys are up to something down there.

**Rey**: Maybe they're planning to use the radio to beam secret messages to the fillings in my teeth.

**Skullak**: Secret messages about what!?

**Rey**: Exactly.

**Di-Roy**: They are probably trying to tune in to the distress signal they heard on the radio.

**Skullak**: What makes you say that?

**Di-Roy**: Oh, I know all the details. They were in their car, the Boss Hogg, when Findor, heard a distress signal, on, the radio, and Nirgge was in the back seat. With a monkey.

**Rey**: Hmm, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that some of that is wrong.

**Skullak**: How do you know all this Di-Roy?

**Di-Roy**: Nnoitra told me.

**Skullak**: Nnoitra, who's Nnoitra? Are you, are you Nnoitra?

**Rey**: I'm not Nnoitra, I'm Rey.

**Skullak**: Not, I know, what's your last name?

**Rey**: Tiburon.

**Skullak**: Tiburon, well then who's this Nnoitra g- wait a second... are you black?

**Rey**: Me?

**Skullak**: Yeah.

**Rey**: Does it matter?

**Skullak**: No. I'm just curious.

**Rey**: Well if it doesn't matter then why are you curious?

**Skullak**: I don't know, I guess that's just something I should have picked up on after all this time.

**Rey**: You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!

_Cut to the Reds, with Gruff Nirgge sitting in the Hogg._

**Distress Signal**: Distress, distress, help, we don't need any more distress, distress, whoah man, it's a lot of distress.

**Findor**: That's all it says, it doesn't even say where or who.

**Baraggan**: We know who it is, it's on the Red Army open channel! That means the Reds have survived in to the future. Doncha see what this means?

**Nirgge**: Hughhhhhhh, that we have absolutely no hope of ever getting out of this army.

**Baraggan**: No, it means we must have beaten the Blues! Otherwise there wouldn't be any Reds left. Finally, victory is ours! Wait a minute, this means I missed the entire war, aw dammit!

**Nirgge**: Yeah, everything must be great. That's why they sent out a distress signal.

**Charlotte**: Maybe it's not a distress signal. Maybe it's a distress signal. Maybe it's an open invitation to some formal ball!

**Nirgge**: Oh-kay, let's go with Sarge's version.

**Baraggan**: Findor, have you tracked the source?

**Findor**: Well Sir, all I can tell is the direction, I have no idea how far it is.

**Baraggan**: Why not? I thought you were our Unofficial Science Officer.

**Findor**: That just means I'm smart. If you want me to multiply two big numbers in my head, that I can do. But I can't measure radio signals with no equipment!

**Nirgge**: What's thirty-two times, fifty-six?

**Findor**: Thirty-one thousand, four hundred fifty-two.

**Baraggan**: Is that right?

**Findor**: Yes.

**Baraggan**: That's pretty impressive.

**Findor**: Eh, you know, it's a gift.

_Cut to a shot of the unexploded bomb, and Di-Roy talking to the Blues._

**Di-Roy**: This, is Nnoitra. Nnoitra this is Tex, and Rey. Uh, the black one is Tex, and the other black one is Rey.

**Rey**: Nnoitra's the bomb?

**Di-Roy**: Uhhh, Nnoitra prefers the term "Explosive American."

**Rey**: Are you making fun of me?

**Di-Roy**: He told me all about what the Reds are up to. Didn't you Andy...

**Nnoitra**: ...

**Di-Roy**: Yes. -and then we talked about, all our adventures, did you know that he used to know Loly? Isn't that right Nnoitra?

**Nnoitra**: ...

**Rey**: Ehm, Di-Roy, are you hearing the bomb talk right now?

**Di-Roy**: Say something Nnoitra. You are embarassing me in front of my friends.

**Tex**: Di-Roy, I think you're losing it.

**Rey**: Also I wouldn't really call us 'friends,' we're more like acquaintances or, people who work with other people they hate.

_Cut to Skullak talking with Gary._

**Skullak**: Gary, I need you to tell me some more about the Alien race that needs Rey's sword.

**Gary**: I do not know anything about them.

**Skullak**: You don't know anything about the Aliens that programmed you?

**Gary**: Correct! Instead they filled all my memory banks with information about the great destroyer and his race.

**Skullak**: You mean Humans.

**Gary**: That is not what they call you, but correct.

**Skullak**: Why, what do they call us?

**Gary**: ...Shisno.

**Skullak**: That's an insult, isn't it.

**Gary**: Perhaps this can best be explained in the form of a knock knock joke.

**Skullak**: (_sigh_)

**Gary**: Knock Knock.

**Skullak**: Who's there?

**Gary**: You are.

**Skullak**: You are who?

**Gary**: You are a dirty dirty shisno. Ha ha ha.

**Skullak**: Alright, what does it mean?

**Gary**: What is the most foul-smelling animal on your planet?

**Skullak**: Uhm, a skunk. Wait so Shisno means skunk?

**Gary**: Not exactly. Does a skunk defecate?

**Skullak**: Yes...

**Gary**: And does the skunk's defecation in turn produce its own excrement?

**Skullak**: Ew, no!

**Gary**: Then there is no equivalent for shisno in your language.

**Skullak**: Gross.

**Gary**: Like you would not believe.

**Skullak**: Hey, does that bomb, ever talk to you?

**Gary**: The bomb? No never.

**Skullak**: Yeah, I didn't think so.

**Gary**: Nnoitra and i are not on speaking terms right now.

**Skullak**: Heh heh yeah. Wait, Nnoitra?

**Gary**: Correct! He is kind of a jerk.

**Nnoitra**: I'm not the jerk, you're the jerk, jerk!

**Gary**: That was very rude.

**Nnoitra**: Ah, shut up ya Shisno!


	54. Ep 54

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Defusing the Situation!_

_Fade in to the Blues._

**Rey**: You're trying to tell us that this bomb can talk.

**Di-Roy**: I'm not telling you that, he's telling you that.

**Nnoitra**: Yeah, and I'm standing right here. You can talk to me.

**Rey**: If you could talk this whole time, then why didn't you just... wait, why'm I talking to a bomb? I'm not doing this.

**Nnoitra**: What, am I not good enough to talk to? Who do you think you are, some kind of "too good to talk to a bomb" type?

**Skullak**: Maybe it's a good idea not to piss off the explosive device.

**Tex**: I agree.

**Skullak**: I wasn't talking about you Tex.

**Tex**: Hey, why don't you suck my -

**Rey**: Did Gary say anything about the bomb being able to talk?

**Skullak**: Uh, just that this whole place is going to be destroyed by us, and that Nnoitra here is probably the thing that does it.

**Rey**: Oh. That's not good.

**Nnoitra**: I don't think so. Bunch of shisnos if ya ask me. And no one did ask me which I find insulting!

**Skullak**: Alright, alright calm down Nnoitra, calm down.

**Nnoitra**: Don't tell me to calm down, I am calm!

**Skullak**: Di-Roy, calm this thing down before it has a meltdown.

**Nnoitra**: (_under Skullak_) Look at me! I'm calm!

**Di-Roy**: Nnoitra, everyone here is your friend. And noone wants to hurt you.

**Nnoitra**: Yeah right.

**Di-Roy**: Come on Nnoitra, think of a happy place. Now what makes you happy?

**Nnoitra**: Being in the middle of a huge explosion!

**Skullak**: Less happy place Di-Roy, less happy place.

**Di-Roy**: Ah u... think calming thoughts, uh... let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight-

**Tex and ****Rey**: NO!

**Skullak**: (_at the same time_) Duck!

_Cut to the Reds, Findor in the Warthog and Nirgge next to it._

**Findor**: Okay. I'm ninety-five percent certain that the distress signal is coming from that way.

**Baraggan**: Excellent work Findor. Alright men... and Nirgge. Let's get ready to roll.

**Nirgge**: Only ninety-five percent certain?

**Findor**: Nirgge, if there's one thing that I've learned in working with you? It's that there's always margin for error.

**Baraggan**: Excellent comeback Findor. That's a burn.

**Findor**: Thank you Sir.

**Nirgge**: Har har. Look who's so smart. It's pronounced margarine dumbass.

**Findor**: Seriously, if I ever meet the guy that assigned you to our squad, I'm gonna kill him.

**Nirgge**: Well if you're ninety-five percent certain it's that way, which way's the other five percent?

**Findor**: Whaddaya think, all the other directions.

**Nirgge**: Then I think that's the way we should go.

**Findor**: You might be, the dumbest person I have ever met.

**Nirgge**: And I think you're just covering your ass.

**Charlotte**: (_running up_) Hey Sarge!

**Findor**: What? I'm not covering my ass, you're the one trying to cover yours!

**Nirgge**: No way.

**Baraggan**: Stop arguing you two. Findor isn't covering his ass, and Nirgge certainly isn't coverin' his. Noone's ass is being covered. Got it? Charlotte, whadda you want?

**Charlotte**: Uh... is that a trick question?

**Baraggan**: Charlotte...

**Charlotte**: Well, I was up on the windmill again, and I think I found a route we can take outta here.

**Baraggan**: Great! Findor, load up. Charlotte, you back up Findor.

**Charlotte**: Yes Sir, okey dokey.

**Baraggan**: Nirgge, you get in the base and distract the Blues while we get ready to leave.

**Findor**: You're sending Nirgge?

**Nirgge**: Mokay, be right back.

**Findor**: Nirgge!? Don't you remember the last time you sent him to distract Command during our surprise inspection? He told them we were all in the base doing last minute cleaning, because we all had Cholera, and we were in quarantine for a month. My ass still hurts from all the shots we got.

**Charlotte**: Yeah, you could say that again, mine hurts too!

**Findor**: You weren't even there, Charlotte.

**Charlotte**: Oh. I thought we were just sharing stuff.

**Nirgge**: (_from near the base_) Wait a second, you guys better not just be sending me so you can run off once I'm inside!

**Baraggan**: Of course not moron, now hurry up!

_Nirgge enters the base._

**Baraggan**: Okay, everybody in the jeep.

_Cut to Nirgge entering the base, evesdropping on the Blues._

**Di-Roy**: You are in a cool river, where noone disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.

**Tex**: Breathe in through your nose (_takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth_) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (_takes a breath_), and out through the mouth.

**Skullak**: Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?

**Gary**: Hey Nnoitra, knock knock.

**Nnoitra**: Who's there.

**Gary**: Inner peace and serenity.

**Nnoitra**: I already heard that one.

_Nirrge backs cautiously out of the base of crazy people, and returns to the Reds._

**Baraggan**: And when we get there, we'll radio Command and say we need a replacement, because we have absolutely no idea what happend to- oh Nirgge!

**Findor**: What're you doing back so soon? That was the shortest distraction of all time.

**Baraggan**: What's wrong? What were the Blues doing?

**Nirgge**: You know? I can honestly say I have no idea what I just saw. Can I quit the army now? Seriously, I think I've seen everything I need to see at this point.

**Baraggan**: If only I could make that happen dirtbag.

**Nirgge**: I mean it, just tell me where to turn in my gun, I'm done.

_Camera zips around the terrain, through some nooks and one cranny, to the Dordoni's head and a robot army._

**Dordoni**: Come my robot army. Today is the day of our glorious victory.

**O'Malley**: Huhuhuhahaha. Careful you fools, I need the device intact, muhahahahahahahaha. Now kill all those fools! And those fools over there. And, those fools. Leave no fool left unkilled. This army has a no fool discrimination clause, muahaha.

**Szayel**: I like that we have a no fool discrimination clause. It makes us progressive!

**O'Malley**: Shut up you fool.


	55. Ep 55

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Calm Before the Strom!_

_Fade in to Findor talking to Baraggan from the safe confines of the Warthog._

**Findor**: Okay, so let me get this straight... they were talking, to the bomb.

**Nirgge**: Dude, I don't know. They mentioned something about candles and a bubble bath, and they were playing some kind of a New Age CD. It's like a Yanni fan club meeting.

**Baraggan**: That makes no sense at all. Did you wanna translate for us Pinky Pants?

**Charlotte**: My guess is that they're trying to get the bomb to do something for 'em.

**Findor**: And all that sweet talk and candles will work on a bomb.

**Donut**: It would work on me!

**Baraggan**: Doncha see what they're tryin' to do?

**Nirgge**: No. Isn't that the point of this conversation?

**Baraggan**: The Blues are obviously trying to coax the bomb in to rearming. They're about to launch an attack. On us!

**Nirgge**: Why would they do that?

**Baraggan**: Because they're Blues. Somebody get this kid the manual.

**Findor**: Oh-ho, I hate the Blues.

**Baraggan**: That's the spirit Findor.

_Cut to several Dorodnis in formation._

**O'Malley**: Hoohoohoohohahaha. And now the hour is at hand. It is time, my robot minions.

**Szayel**: He means robot miniones. Where's your cultural sensitivity?

**O'Malley**: Oh shut up. At last, we will sieze our destiny!

**Szayel**: Do we really have to sieze destiny? Can't we just invite it to join our online circle of friends?

**O'Malley**: Quiet you fool. And quit sending me those invites. They're repulsive. Prepare for battle! We will break upon their fortress like an evil wind!

**Szayel**: Oh.

**O'Malley**: Crushing our opponents with lightning speed! Attack!

**Robot Army**: Charge.

_The Robot Army starts walking slowly forward._

**O'Malley**: You there, hurry along. And you in the back. You- Dordoni, can't you speed them up?

**Dordoni**: This is their maximum velocity.

**O'Malley**: This isn't what I asked for.

**Dorodni**: You said you wanted a day of victory. At this speed, they will win in exactly 24 hours.

**O'Malley**: Heuh...

**A Robot**: Charge.

_Cut to the Blues._

**Skullak**: So we cool here?

**Rey**: I think we're finally calmed down.

**Di-Roy**: Yes. We are all better now, we are not mad, and we are definitely not thinking about exploding at all any more.

**Nnoitra**: Hey, are you talkin' about me?

**Skullak**: What? No, course not. We just wanna make sure that we're all happy, and that we're not upset in any way whatsoever.

**Nnoitra**: Don't say "we", you really mean me. I mean, you, which in this case, is me.

**Skullak**: No no no, uh, we're uh, talking about Tex.

**Tex**: Excuse me?

**Skullak**: (_whispering to Tex_) Hey, you wanna die in an explosion? Play along. (_To Nnoitra_) Yeah, um... I don't know if you've noticed but she's uh... she's kind of a bitch. Isn't that right Tex.

**Tex**: Skullak...

**Nnoitra**: I don't know...

**Rey**: Come on Tex.

**Tex**: Yes. We're talking about me.

**Nnoitra**: Sounds like you're patronizing me.

**Tex**: No really, it's me, I'm a bitch.

**Skullak**: Heh heh, keep going.

**Tex**: And I need to be calmed down all the time.

**Skullak**: Or what happens?

**Tex**: Or, else I get so mad, I kill people on my own team.

**Skullak**: ...I see your point.

**Di-Roy**: Tell him about the moodiness. And the crankiness.

**Rey**: Also mention that you like to punch people in the head while they sleep.

**Di-Roy**: That was you!? I thought the Tooth Fairy was mad at me.

**Nnoitra**: Well, she sounds like a real handful.

**Tex**: Alright listen you little noob firecracker.

**Skullak**: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! See what I mean Nnoitra? Volatile.

**Tex**: I am so gonna remember this Skullak.

**Di-Roy**: You should sleep with your pillow on top. Of your head. Tonight.

**Skullak**: Yes, that's very funny, make all the threats you want. As long as everyone is calm, and peaceful, and there's nothing else to make us excited, I don't care.

_Explosions happen outside the base behind him._

**O'Malley**: (_from outside_) Attack, my robot minions.

**Skullak**: I could almost feel that coming, right as I finished the sentence.

_A large explosion happens, and clears to reveal the Reds._

**Baraggan**: What the hell was that?

**Findor**: It sounded like a huge explosion!

**Baraggan**: Chantilly lace! That means the Blues have rearmed the bomb.

**Nirgge**: Wait, they rearmed it and it exploded. Isn't that good for us?

**Baraggan**: Nirgge, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!

**Nirgge**: ...We're in battle?

**Baraggan**: Course we are, now get ready for your orders. Charlotte!

**Charlotte**: Yes Sir.

**Baraggan**: Scream like a woman!

**Charlotte**: Can do! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! We're all gonna die! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, wahaaaaaaaaah whooooooooo hoo hoooooooooooo, whoaa noooooo, whahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa, gonna die, we're gonna die, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... (_inhale_) Ahhhhhhhhhhh, we're all gonna die, can't someone help me, won't someone help me, whoaohhhhhhhhhhh, help me somebody... I'm too young to die, I'm too pretty to die... I haven't even seen Paris yet!

**Baraggan**: Nirgge!

**Nirgge**: What.

**Baraggan**: Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.

**Nirgge**: I don't think I've been trained on that.

**Baraggan**: Findor, kiss ass at will.

**Findor**: You're both an excellent leader, and a handsome man Sir.

**Baraggan**: Excellent work Findor. Incoming!

_Baraggan and Nirgge duck, and a rocket shoots over their heads._

**Baraggan**: Nirgge, you're up.

**Nirgge**: Permission to assist Charlotte, Sir.

**Baraggan**: Permission denied. Continue with Operation Meatshield. Remember, just 'cause your bones are broken doesn't mean they won't stop bullets from hitting me! Now get out there.

**Findor**: Good call Sir!

**Baraggan**: You're on your way to a medal, Findor. In fact, medals all the way around. Purple Heart for Nirgge, Pink Heart for Charlotte, and a Brown Nose for Findor.


	56. Ep 56

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_The Storm!_

_Fade in to the fan in front of the base, which the Robot Army (eventually) walks past._

**Robot Army**: Charge.

**O'Malley**: Hu hu hoh, for God's sake. Will you hurry up! Dordoni, I'm disappointed in your work. These minions are much too slow.

**Dordoni**: I think they are moving along nicely.

**O'Malley**: You fool! You don't even have legs, and you still got up here faster than them!

**Dordoni**: Hey, you're the brains in this operation. I'm just the brawn.

**Szayel**: They may be slow, but their posture is excellent!

**O'Malley**: Huhhg...

**Szayel**: A for effort, Dordoni!

_Cut to Baraggan._

**Baraggan**: I think they're distracted. Let's use this chance to slip away.

**Findor**: Great idea, Sir. I have a lock on the distress signal. We can head right for it.

**Baraggan**: Good thinking Findor. Everybody in the jeep.

**Findor**: Shotgun!

**Nirgge**: Shotgun! Fuck.

**Charlotte**: Shotgun's lap!

**Findor**: Fuck!

**Baraggan**: There's just no room for four people. Someone will have to jog alongside. Nirgge?

**Nirgge**: Jog? What's that?

**Findor**: It's like running slowly, dear God you don't know what jogging means?

**Nirgge**: Yeah, you lost me at running. Sorry, it's not in my contract.

**Charlotte**: Oh, don't worry, I'll do it. Just give me one second while I put my jogging shorts on.

**Nirgge**: Wait. I wanna reconsider.

**Charlotte**: Who wants to hold my ankles while I stretch out my hammies?

**Baraggan**: Noone's fallin' for that twice, Charlotte.

_Cut to Tex peering out a window at the Robot Army._

**Tex**: Alright, I think I can take 'em. I just need a better weapon.

**Rey**: Want me to help you find one?

**Tex**: Mm, why don't you just give me your sword?

**Rey**: No way, I can see right through your little ploy. You just want me to give you the sword.

**Tex**: That's what I just said.

**Rey**: Yeah, but it's the way you said it.

**Tex**: You know, it's a good thing that that sword doesn't run on brainpower. Oh my God, Rey, look! Hot chicks.

**Rey**: Nice try, you just want me to turn around so you can knock me out and take the sword.

**Tex**: Now the hot girls are makin' out.

**Rey**: Okay, that's worth the risk. (_turns around_) Eauhw, crap.

_Tex hits Rey from behind and knocks him out, just like she planned._

_Cut to Di-Roy talking with Nnoitra... the bomb._

**Di-Roy**: Just stay calm Nnoitra... everything will be fine.

**Nnoitra**: I'm okay, really. I like explosions. You on the other hand look a little nervous.

**Di-Roy**: You know, I always get a little nervous during battles. ...I think it's 'cause we never win.

**Nnoitra**: Eh, don't sweat it. If they get in the base, I'll just explode and kill everybody.

**Di-Roy**: Wouldn't that kill us too... Nnoitra?

**Nnoitra**: Hey. You can't make an omelette without blowin' up a few eggs.

**Di-Roy**: (_long pause_) ...I like eggs.

**Nnoitra**: Me too.

_Cut to Skullak talking to Gary._

**Skullak**: Gary, is it possible that the Great Destroyer could be an entire army of people?

**Gary**: No, the great destroyer is a single person who will come to claim the great weapon.

**Skullak**: Yeah, that's great.

**Gary**: Prepare, one and all. The fulfillment of the great prophecy is at hand.

**Skullak**: So you have no good news for me today.

**Gary**: Orange you glad i didn't say banana?

_Cut to the Reds' jeep careening under bare minimum control down a really gradual slope behind a robot._

**Baraggan**: Let's go men.

**Nirgge**: One of them's following us.

**Baraggan**: We're going too slow. We have to leave someone behind.

**Nirgge**: Not it.

**Findor**: Not it.

**Charlotte**: What? No way! You're leaving me behind?

**Baraggan**: Sorry Charlotte, but military law is very clear in regard to the "not it" methodology for making decisions.

**Charlotte**: Aw man, there's still so much about the army I don't understand.

**Nirgge**: Here he comes!

**Baraggan**: Charlotte, you hide here and wait for the guy tailing us. Then when he passes, shoot him square in the back and watch him die. Just like John Wayne would have done.

**Nirgge**: Hurry up guys, he's getting closer! No wait, no he, yeah he is getting closer. No, yes!

**Charlotte**: All this retreating, and shooting people in the back, doesn't sound very noble.

**Baraggan**: We're not retreating, we're advancing! Towards future victory!

**Charlotte**: How'm I gonna find you guys?

**Findor**: Just follow the distress signal to its source, you'll find us there.

**Charlotte**: But I don't have a way to track it!

**Baraggan**: ... Excellent point Charlotte.

_The jeep drives off, thoughtfully carrying Baraggan, Nirgge and Findor with it._

**Charlotte**: Thank you Sir. Ohh... (_Sighs. Lip smacking sounds as he watches the robot painfully slowly advance_) Uhh, God. Well, I've got some time.

_Cut to the robot army shooting one at a time at ...something._

**Robot 4**: Attack.

**Robot 1**: Attack.

**Robot 3**: Attack.

**O'Malley**: (_evil laugh_) Fastar! Fastar! Pathetic. Dordoni! How do I say faster in Spanish?

**Dordoni**: Como dice socero, socero. Socero socero socero, cerocero.

**O'Malley**: Yes... So okay... What? Okay, got it.

**O'Malley**: Huhuh, soy un pendejo púrpuras que gusta tomar aceite. (Hey everyone! I am a purple jerk and I love to drink motor oil.)

**O'Malley**: That was rather looong to mean hurry up.

**Dordoni**: It's a very poetic language.

**Charlotte**: (_arriving behind a rock_) Oh man, it's that creepy dude! I wonder why he's insulting himself.

**Charlotte**: Qué curioso. (How strange.)

**Charlotte**: Ooh, the motorcycle!

**O'Malley**: Mi cola es muy grande. Y mi gusta frotar mi cola. Y quiero oler mi cola e también besar, a mi cola. (My butt is very big. And I like to rub my own butt. And I like to sniff my own butt and kiss my own butt.)

**O'Malley**: Are you sure cola means evil?

**Dordoni**: Hey boss, someone is stealing your vehicle.

**O'Malley**: Ueuh, drat! I only had two payments left!

**Dordoni**: Do you have insurance on it?

**O'Malley**: Of course not. It's a scam.

**Dordoni**: Why not? We live in a bad neighborhood.

**O'Malley**: Of course we live in a bad neighborhood. We're evil doers! We're what makes the neighborhood bad.

_Cut to Skullak._

**Skullak**: Whoa, Rey, are you okay?

**Rey**: Uhhhh, mmm, huh, damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn.

**Skullak**: Hey good idea. And next time Di-Roy decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one.

**Rey**: Maybe we should all stick to what we know best.

**Skullak**: Hey, where's your weapon?

**Rey**: Do you think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday dude, she took it!

**Skullak**: Oh man, this is not gonna be good.

_Cut to some shadowy form walking to the edge of a cliff overlooking the robot army._

**Robot 7**: Attack.

_A plasma grenade lands on the middle robot._

**Robot 4**: Hey! A spid-

_The grenade explodes, with the expected result._

**O'Malley**: What was that!?

**Szayel**: Uh oh.

_More plasma grenades take out the rest of the robot army. Conveniently cut to Gary._

**Gary**: The great destroyer has arrived. The end is near. The great destroyer has arrived. The end is near.

_Cut to O'Malley and Dordoni hiding behind rocks._

**O'Malley**: Dordoni, do you see anything?

**Dordoni**: No, just dead robots everywhere. My beautiful robot army destroyed.

**O'Malley**: I'm going to sneak around the side. Let me know if you see anything. Dordoni. Dordoni! Dordoni! (_turns around to see that shadowy figure approaching_) Ho no! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

_Cut to Findor leading the Reds through a cave._

**Findor**: Just a little further guys.

**Baraggan**: You stole that thing all by yourself?

**Charlotte**: Yep, and then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.

**Baraggan**: I'm so proud of you.

**Charlotte**: Hyeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I caught the fever!

**Findor**: Okay, the source of the distress signal is right outside this-crap!

**Nirgge**: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_The camera moves back in stages to reveal they're back in Blood Gulch._

**Nirgge**: This sucks.

_Cut to Skullak and Rey surveying the robot army carnage._

**Skullak**: Wow. She really did a lot of damage.

**Rey**: Are you surprised?

**Skullak**: No, not really, I guess not.

**Rey**: I'll tell you what, it's days like today, I'm really glad she's on our side.

**Tex**: Who's on our side? Whoa! Who killed all the robots?

**Skullak**: You did.

**Tex**: No I didn't.

**Skullak**: What?

**Tex**: I've been downstairs, trying to figure out how to turn this sword on.

**Skullak**: Wait a second. (_runs off_)

**Rey**: Just push the power button.

**Tex**: I did, that didn't work.

**Rey**: Yeah, that's surprising.

_Cut to Skullak and Gary._

**Gary**: The end is near. The great destroyer has arrived. The end is near. The great destroyer has arrived. The end is near. The great destroyer has arrived. The end is near. The great destroyer has arrived. (_continues as Skullak talks_)

**Skullak**: Oh come on Gary Gary Gary, stop stop stop. Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?

**Gary**: ...

**Skullak**: Gary?

**Gary**: Knock knock.

_Cut to a shot of Skullak, with an alien sneaking up on him._

**Skullak**: ...Who's there?


	57. Ep 57

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Familiar Surroundings!_

_Fade in to Nirgge screaming on the top of a cliff._

**Nirgge**: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Nohohohoooooooooohaoooooooooooooo!

**Charlotte**: Is he ever gonna stop screaming? He's been up there for hours.

**Baraggan**: Findor, shut him up!

**Findor**: Hey Nirgge, shut the fuck up! Get down here and help us check out the base!

**Nirgge**: No! No! Noooooooooooooohohohooooooooooooooo!

**Findor**: I don't think he's even listening to us.

**Nirgge**: Noooooooo actually that time I was answering your question noooooooooooo!

**Baraggan**: Heugh.

**Nirgge**: Noooooooooooooooooooo-

**Baraggan**: Go up there and get him Findor.

**Nirgge**: -oooooooooooooooooooooo-

**Charlotte**: If he keeps screaming like that, he's gonna pass out and fall off the cliff.

**Baraggan**: Cancel that order, Findor!

**Nirgge**: -oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-

**Baraggan**: Charlotte, get me a sniper rifle.

**Charlotte**: Yes sir.

**Nirgge**: -oooooooooooooo.

_Cut to the Blues back wherever they are after all this time._

**Rey**: And he says "Did I read it? I already ruined it!"

**Tex**: That's disgusting.

**Di-Roy**: I don't get it.

_Skullak materializes out of thin air._

**Skullak**: What, the fuck, was that.

**Di-Roy**: Hey Skullak!

**Rey**: Hey.

**Tex**: Huh?

**Skullak**: Isn't anybody gonna ask me, "What happened to your body, Skullak?"

**Tex and ****Rey**: What happened to your body Skullak.

**Di-Roy**: What happened to some... body... Skullak?

**Skullak**: Hell if I know. All I know is, I was sittin' there talkin' to Gary, and-

**Tex**: The bomb?

**Skullak**: No that's Nnoitra, Gary is the computer.

**Tex**: Neh, I don't even remember most of your names half the time.

**Di-Roy**: I know my name! You can ask me, if you forget.

**Skullak**: Hey, can we please focus on me?

**Di-Roy**: By the way, he's Skullak.

**Skullak**: Yes, thank you Di-Roy, she knows.

**Di-Roy**: He is the mean one.

**Skullak**: Thank you, Di-Roy.

**Di-Roy**: See, he is mad. Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking, then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.

**Skullak**: ... Okay. I was talking to Gary and-

**Di-Roy**: Told you so.

**Skullak**: God dammit!

**Di-Roy**: Classic Skullak.

**Rey**: I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurism.

**Skullak**: Anyway, I was talking to Gary about the Great Destroyer, who at the time we thought was Tex.

_Fade to Skullak's story._

**Gary**: The great destroyer has arrived. The end is near.

**Skullak**: Oh come on Gary Gary Gary, stop stop stop. Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?

_Cut to the present._

**Skullak**: And that's when I turned around, and I saw...

_Cut back to Skullak's story, where Skullak turns around and Di-Roy is standing in the way._

**Di-Roy**: Saw what? Saw O'Malley?

**Skullak**: What the- Di-Roy, get outta the story man. No it wasn't O'Malley.

**Di-Roy**: What was it?

**Skullak**: Stop interrupting me, and I'll tell you.

**Di-Roy**: A helicopter?

**Rey**: Yeah Di-Roy, shut up.

**Skullak**: Hey, Rey, you're interrupting now too. Everybody just get outta here.

**Rey**: Me? I'm just tryin' to punch up the storyline. Check this out.

_Tex with Rey's voice steps to the ledge._

**Rey**: Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killing. Hey is it hot in here? Who wants to help me out of this heavy armor. This breastplate is so itchy.

_Cut back to the present._

**Rey**: Bow chicka bow-

_Tex levels her gun at Rey._

**Rey**: -whoa, story's over.

**Tex**: You're a pig.

**Rey**: I didn't even get to the part where the sailors show up.

**Tex**: Just tell us, what did you see?

**Skullak**: Um, it was a really big... thing.

**Tex**: That's your story? You saw a big thing.

**Rey**: Eh, my story had a big thing in it too. You just didn't give it time to develop.

**Skullak**: Well I didn't really get a clear look at it.

**Di-Roy**: At Rey's big thing.

**Skullak**: No dumbass, at the big thing in the base that attacked me. All I know is that it was slimy, and it had lots of teeth.

**Rey**: Kinky.

**Skullak**: Seriously dude, cut the shit. We've got a situation on our hands.

**Tex**: Well how did you fight it off?

**Skullak**: Fight it off? You must have me confused with someone who's brave. I got the hell outta there.

**Tex**: You're telling me you left your body behind?

**Skullak**: I had to get outta there fast. That body was just dead weight.

**Di-Rpy**: I know the feeling.

**Skullak**: What is that supposed to mean?

**Rey**: Hahahaha, some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Skullak! Haha!

**Tex**: He didn't scare the crap outta him, he scared the soul outta him.

**Rey**: Oh it's Skullak, what's the difference? His soul is made outta crap. Stupid crap for soul.

**Skullak**: For all I know, he's in there chewin' on my body right now.

**Tex**: Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours.

**Rey**: Bow chicka bow wow.

**Tex**: Oh shut up.

**Skullak**: Shut up Rey.

**Rey**: Did somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow chicka bow wow!

**Skullak**: Rey. Shut up.

**Rey**: I came here to lay some pipe. Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

**Skullak**: REy!

**Rey**: So I hear you got sisters. Bow chicka- who're twins! -wow wow!

**Skullak**: Shut up.

**Rey**: Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

**Skullak**: Shut up.

**Rey**: Bow chickachicka-

**Skullak**: Shut up.

**Rey**: -gow wow chicka-

**Skullak**: Shut up.

**Rey**: -chicka bow bow chickachickachi bow bow!

**Skullak**: Shut up!

**Its season four! So get ready for more funniness. **_  
_


	58. Ep 58

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Hunting Time!_

_Fade into Nirgge still yelling like a walrus._

**Nirgge**: Nooooooooooo- Whoa!

_He starts running back and forth to avoid sniper shots._

******Nirgge**: No! No no no!

**Baraggan**: That was close!

**Findor**: Thank you, sir!

**Nirgge**: Nooo!

**Baraggan**: Charlotte, you're going outta turn.

**Charlotte**: I thought I went after Findor.

**Baraggan**: No, we go in line. It goes you then me, then Findor, then back down to me then you, then me then me, then Findor then me then me then Findor, me, me Findor you Findor me me me Findor you. Me. Then me again. It makes perfect sense!

**Findor**: But doesn't that mean you go twice as much? Or, ten times as much?

_Baraggan fires._

**Nirgge**: Ow!

**Baraggan**: This is the best game since Nirggeball.

**Nirgge**: I'm not comin' down!

**Baraggan**: Hey Nirgge! Move back and forth like one of those ducks at the carnival!

_Baraggan fires again, but misses as Nirgge ducks._

**Baraggan**: No, don't duck, that makes you harder to hit. Act like a duck!

**Findor**: Wait a minute, that was my turn!

**Baraggan**: This is the Lightning Round.

**Findor**: Who's in the Lightning Round-

**Baraggan**: Me!

**Nirgge**: Alright, fuck this, I'm comin' down!

_Baraggan fires again_

**Grif**: OW! I said I'm comin' down!

**Baraggan**: Hyaha, buzzer beater! Take that you stupid duck.

_Cut to Di-Roy, Rey, Tex, and Ghost-Skullak standing outside the complex_

**Rey**: We haven't seen that alien thing come out, so he's probably still hiding in there.

**Di-Roy**: Or, eating Skullak!

**Tex**: Alright then. Let's roll.

**Skullak**: Okay... Here we go...

_Brief silence._

**Rey**: ...Uh, we're not moving.

**Skullak**: Yeah, yeah, okay. (_clears throat_) Here we go.

**Rey**: ...We're still not moving.

**Di-Roy**: Does talking count as moving?

**Tex**: (_stepping forward_) All right, screw it. You guys get behind me, and stay tight.

**Rey**: Bowchickabowwow.

**Tex**: Never mind, Rey's in front.

**Rey**: Eh, it was worth it.

_Cut back to Blood Gulch, outside the Red Base._

**Baraggan**: All right, men. Stay out of sight. We have to be prepared for anything.

**Nirgge**: Uh, why are we hiding from our own base?

**Baraggan**: Because, we have no idea what's inside.

**Findor**: Anything could have occupied the base after we jumped into the future.

**Charlotte**: Oh my God! What if we're in there?

**Nirgge**: Yeah-no, wait. Aren't we out here?

**Charlotte**: I mean past versions of ourselves. We could go in there and meet ourselves. Oh man, we'd be best friends, we'd have so much in common. Finally, someone who shares the pain.

**Findor**: Charlotte, that's not how time travel works. We don't leave copies of ourselves behind, and even if we did they'd all be eight hundred years old. They'd all be dead by now.

**Charlotte**: Speak for yourself, I could live to be eight hundred. I'm on this awesome diet!

**Baraggan**: Still doing that high fat-low fibre-liquid diet where you drink nothing but bacon grease?

**Charlotte**: Nah, that was just a fad.

**Baraggan**: What's the new one?

**Charlotte**: I only eat foods that begin with vowels.

**Findor**: That sounds really hard, what did you have for breakfast?

**Charlotte**: Eggs and Oreos. And for lunch I'm having asparagus... and Oreos.

**Nirgge**: Holy crap, I've been on that diet for years! I had no idea I was so healthy! I even cut out all the eggs! And I don't even know what asparagus is.

**Baraggan**: All right men, stop your chatterboxin'. We've got to keep our eyes open for any sign of enemy activity.

_A tank closely resembling Loly rides by in the background._

**Baraggan**: I can't have you not paying attention. You have to be alert!

_Nirgge, Findor, and Charlotte follow the tank with their eyes and heads._

**Baraggan**: Constant vigilance. Composed, attentive!

_The three stooges look back at Baraggan._

**Baraggan**: See? That's much better.

_Cut to Rey sneaking up on an empty hallway._

**Skullak**: Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?

**Rey**: No way, I'd rather have a gun.

**Skullak**: But I've got a gun.

**Rey**: What're you gonna do, shoot it with ghost bullets?

**Skullak**: Okay yeah, that's a good point.

**Rey**: Hey I'm Casper, the Friendly Bullet.

**Tex**: (_from below_) Hey, see anything?

**Rey**: Nope!

**Skullak**: You know, Andy was here when I got attacked. Maybe he knows something.

_Skullak heads for a window._

**Skullak**: Hey. Nnoitra. Nnoitra!

**Nnoitra**: Hehehey, look who's back! The dickhead!

**Skullak**: Hey, up yours.

**Nnoitra**: You back for another beatin'? It must be asskick-o'clock!

**Skullak**: Where's that big alien thing?

**Nnoitra**: I don't know, last time I saw him he was halfway up your ass.

**Tex**: Is this bomb giving you a hard time?

**Nnoitra**: I see you brought a girl with you. What're you gonna have, a crying contest?

**Skullak**: Hey look, there's my body, right there.

**Alien**: Blargh.

**Rey**: Huh? There it is!

**Skullak**: Jesus, run!

**Tex**: Crap!

_Rey, Skullak and Tex fire randomly in every direction except the one the alien is in._

**Rey**: Oh my God oh my God oh my God what the fuck is that thing!?

**Skullak**: Run!

**Rey**: Women and children last!

_All three jump from various orifices of the building toward Di-Roy. _

**Skullak**: Run run run run run run runn!

**Nnoitra**: Heheh, what, you leavin' already? That's fuckin' hilarious!

**Rey**: Ahhh, run run run run run!

**Di-Roy**: Did we win?

**Rey**: Yeah Di-Roy we won, this is our victory lap!

**Nnoitra**: Hey come back in, I think you're tirin' him out!

_Andy continues to laugh derisively._

**Nnoitra**: You're killing me! Haha ha _(cough)_


	59. Ep 59

_**Red vs Blue Arrancars**_

_Fight or Fright!_

_Fade in to Nirgge, Findor and Charlotte standing in front of the Warthog._

**Findor**: I'm telling you it was here. It drove by while you were talking. You had your back turned, and it went zoom right behind you!

**Charlotte**: Well it really sounded like Ehhhhhhhhrchugachugachur-ah, my leg ah!

**Findor**: That's not the important part of the story, Charlotte!

**Sarge**: Sure, Findor, I believe you. You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously, and then just as quickly disappeared. And you're the only one that can see it. Just like signs of Charlotte's heterosexuality.

**Findor**: No I'm not, Charlotte saw it!

**Charlotte**: Yeah.

**Baraggan**: Charlotte's impressionable. He'd agree with anything you said.

**Charlotte**: Yeah.

**Baraggan**: Aw hell, he'd eat a spoon full of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate.

**Charlotte**: (_gasp_) That's not true!

**Baraggan**: Huhuh, so that's where you draw the line?

**Charlotte**: No I mean it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate, right? Seriously, right?

**Findor**: Okay, Nirgge saw it too. We all saw it.

**Nirgge**: I don't know what you're talking about, I didn't see a damn thing.

**Findor**: What?

**Nirgge**: Tank you say? I have no idea what you're talking about. I was too busy paying attention to our Sargeant while he gave us our orders.

**Findor**: Oh really, well what did he say?

**Nirgge**: Something inspiring about beating the Blues, and the base or the flag er, or something. I'm pretty sure he mentioned a pole cat too, I was getting a little emotional at the end.

**Baraggan**: You see Findor? Some soldiers know how to pay attention.

**Nirgge**: Wow, that might be the first time you've ever actually compli-

**Baraggan**: Shut up dirtbag.

**Findor**: Nirgge, you just told us two minutes ago that you saw it.

**Nirgge**: Hyeah, I know, but it's a lot more fun this way.

_Cut to Rey, Di-Roy, Tex and the ghost of Skullak outside the complex._

**Skullak**: Ugh, man I just cannot fuckin' stand the idea of my body laying in there.

**Nnoitra**: Heh haeh, you never looked better!

**Skullak**: Hey shut up, Nnoitra! You know, we could have taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times.

**Rey**: A few more times? How about one time?

**Skullak**: Well I think I landed at least two or three shots.

**Rey**: Yeah right.

**Tex**: You didn't hit anything but the wall.

**Skullak**: How the hell would you know, you were runnin' straight backwards.

**Tex**: This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.

**Rey**: Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets.

**Tex**: You know what? I work better alone. You ladies stay here, I'll be back in two minutes with that thing's head on a platter.

**Rey**: Does it ever bother you that the most take-charge guy on our team is a girl?

**Skullak**: Not at all. As long as I get my body back I don't care if I'm a hero.

**Rey**: ...

**Di-Roy**: ...

**Skullak**: What.

**Rey**: Huh, well, Skullak you're kind of a long way from "hero." Wouldn't it have been better to say "I don't care if I'm a participant?" Or maybe bystander?

**Skullak**: Shut up.

**Di-Roy**: Or a decoy.

**Skullak**: Hey, Di-Roy, don't help him okay?

_Tex goes in._

**Rey**: Hey she's going in, you guys think she can take him?

_Sound of a punch or something, and Tex's ghost materializes behind them._

**Tex**: Oh crap.

**Skullak**: Nope.

_Cut to Nirgge and Baraggan watching Findor watch Charlotte flying the motorcycle._

**Findor**: Come on Charlotte, give someone else a turn!

**Charlotte**: Wait, wait, I wanna show you guys a bunny hop I'm workin' on. Look! N- no wait, now, he- look, look- awh, oh man, I was totally doin' it earlier, why weren't you guys watching then?

**Findor**: I need it to find the tank!

**Charlotte**: Wheeeee! Woooooo! Woohooo!

**Baraggan**: Nirgge. I wanna share something with you. And you can't let Findor know.

**Nirgge**: Whatever.

**Baraggan**: I think that Findor has gone mad. It's probably some kind of Time Travel Post Traumatic Repetitive Stress Syndrome. In scientific terms, he's developed Cranial Insanitosis. Basically, he's gone bonkers.

**Findor**: (_over the radio_) Sarge, I'm not crazy, I really saw a tank.

**Baraggan**: And apparently he's developed some kind of mutant telepathy power. Clear your mind Nirgge, he can hear your thoughts!

**Findor**: No, you guys just left your mics on again. I keep telling you not to do that 'cause you're just wasting the batteries. Oh and guess who rechar-

**Baraggan**: Clearly he's sabotaging us with his superior technology. Nirgge, I need you to step up to the plate. You're my number 2 man now.

**Nirgge**: Does that mean more work?

**Baraggan**: Of course. You'll have to do Findor's regular duties on top of the responsibilities I normally entrust you with.

**Nirgge**: So basically just Findor's duties then.

**Baraggan**: Right. Luckily we still have Charlotte, so no-one has to fill in his shoes. Charlotte! Combat situation!

**Charlotte**: Yes Sir, I'm on it. Whaaaaaaaaaaaa! (_continues screaming like a woman_)

**Baraggan**: What a pro. Findor, I mean Nirgge! Establish a perimeter!

**Nirgge**: Huh? What's that?

**Baraggan**: Make a border around us, and make sure no enemy crosses it.

**Nirgge**: Huh, that sounds like a lot of effort. Can't I just go back to being number 3 again?

**Baraggan**: Number 3? Whaddaya mean 'Number 3?'

**Nirgge**: Oh right, Charlotte. Can I go back to being number 4 then?

**Baraggan**: And Dordoni.

**Nirgge**: Fine. I'll be number 5, I don't care.

**Baraggan**: I don't know, that O'Malley guy can really work a rocket launcher.

**Nirgge**: But he's the enemy!

**Baraggan**: I'm not real particular. Now get to work on that perimeter! Bogey approaching!

**Findor**: Sir I really think we should be looking for that tank.

**Baraggan**: Hold on a minute. Let's just take it easy there, Private First Class Findor Carias.

_Nirgge starts drawing in the dirt with a sniper rifle._

**Findor**: But I- hey, what? Why did you use my full name?

**Baraggan**: Nirgge, what in Sam hell are you doin'?

**Nirgge**: I secured your perimeter Sir. Now I'm gonna go over to the chow hall and secure some Oreos. I got a diet to keep up. Break time! (_starts running to the base_)

**Baraggan**: Honeymoon's over, numbnuts! You're back down to number 7!

**Nirgge**: Oh yeah? Well I saw the tank too!

_Cut back to the Blues and the dead Blues._

**Rey**: Maybe Di-Roy should try talking to him.

**Di-Roy**: Uhh, what would I say?

**Rey**: Start with some common ground. Like how you both killed Skullak.

**Di-Roy**: Mmm... good times.

**Skullak**: You know I actually like that idea.

**Tex**: You do?

**Skullak**: Well think about it. While our Ambassador here is either being a) eaten by the alien, or b) digested, by the alien, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies.

**Di-Roy**: I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, because I am very shy!

**Rey**: Get away from me freak!

**Skullak**: You know if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself bait.

**Tex**: (_at the top of the ramp_) There's my body.

**Skullak**: Oh yeah, hey look, there's your body. Heh heh heh huh, you really didn't make it very far, did you.

**Tex**: You know I wonder, ih if I killed a ghost, would it come back as a ghost of a ghost?

**Skullak**: Yeah that's a good point I'll... shut up now.

_Cut to Di-Roy sneaking up on the bomb._

**Di-Roy**: Hey Nnoitra. Say, have you seeeeen, it's a big uh, slimy, like alien looking thing it's uhhh, it's shaped just kinda like that shadow that's on the ground next to you. Oh.


End file.
